Anger and Listening

Anger is such a taboo subject for lots of people I know.

In my little world, anger is not acceptable. I've grown up to learn that only certain people

in my family are "allowed" to be angry and express it. When I do, it is met with worry, concern, a temptation to make it go away.

Anger is a human emotion. I didn't grow up at a Buddhist temple after all, far from it.

I have had a lot of anger around me growing up and therefore it scares the hell out of me most of the time.

I am angry now. I'm frustrated and impatient. I'm angry with certain people for not even trying to understand me or get to know me. Those same people preach about subjects they know nothing about and try to preach it to me. Not helpful!

When I was going thru cancer treatment and people who have not had cancer try to give me advice and tell me to be positive etc.....that would really make me mad. People should not assume they know about something when they have not had the experience themselves. Everyone is different in how they can handle situations too. Everyones' bodies are individual. Cancer treatment affects everyone differently. Just like other things, like depression or trauma and grief.

I try to come at the irritation from a psychological view as well. Why is this person or that person judging me or others on subjects they know nothing about? Is it their insecurities rearing their heads? Is it frustration with how their lives are going so they feel the need to tell others how to live?

I am not exempt from doing this too. I've told people how to do things, but i mostly try and say it in a way that is coming from a place of what worked for ME. Lately I'm even stepping back from that and just trying to listen unless the person really asks for my help and advice. Sometimes people just want to be listened to.

Life can be so overwhelming. Lately with the situation in Japan and events all over the world....life is hard enough. When you feel like you don't even have the support of your family it can make life even harder and more challenging to deal with. Very isolating.

Yes, i'm ranting and I suppose I needed to do so. This is an especially hard time for me. Spring is coming and most people are really happy and uplifting about that fact. Did you know that April is one of the most popular months for suicide?

It is a time for growth and also for lots of change, anxiety, stress. The pressure that you are "supposed" to feel energetic and happy that Spring is here when in fact it is a very hard time emotionally. The guilt of feeling bad when others feel good can be consuming at times.

So, I guess my point of todays post is to remind people out there that sometimes people just want your time. They don't need your advice or judgments or fixing. Just listen and maybe you'll learn something about someone you didn't know before.

And .....anger is OK, as long as we don't get stuck in it.

Any comments....? if anyone is out there that is :)

November Rain

I haven't blogged here in months and months....i'm sure no one is still checking for posts but i wanted to write today

I have never liked the Fall and especially November.

There is always sickness and/or death at this time of year. Very depressing.

It's the time of year when the leaves die from trees, the crops have all been harvested (most of them) and the sun has weakened in strength.

Introspection

The last year or so has brought death to two friends of mine and some other people I know of thru cancer.

Last Sunday another friend died of cancer. Jennifer Willey(blog listed on left). She was only 31 and had been dealing with the hell of treatments and such for at least 5 years.

I only met her once in person and have followed her blog for over 3 years. We were supposed to try and have lunch sometime, hang out. That never happened.

Today I'm going to her wake

A good friend of mine is also dealing with major pain and issues from cancer. I went to see her in PA with my best friend who has been friends with Lina for years and years. I have only known her for a few years now. She is a wonderful, extremely giving, thoughtful, magical, beautiful person. I hate to see her in so much pain and discomfort.

I haven't been able to cry. I'm feeling emotional but no tears come.

I wonder if the wake will release the flood gates? It may be the trigger.

I try to look at all the beauty of this time of year as well, but lately its been really challenging.

I did cook my first ever turkey yesterday. I was on my own with my cat Stewie. That way no one is disappointed if it didn't come out ok. It turned out alright. Being on my own was actually pretty nice. Mellow day.

I am thankful and grateful for all the abundances in my life, including all my family and friends.

I just wish i could appreciate the Fall better. I"m working on it.

Todays' Horoscope

Libra, Monday, 24 May 2010

Daily, Yesterday, Weekly, Monthly, Year Ahead

Everyone on Planet Earth is going through deep psychological change of one kind or another now. None of us are able to hang on to the way things once were. The changes happening in your life now represent a significant opportunity. You don't have to stick with an old idea of who you are, who you must 'pretend to be' and how you must limit your expectations for the future. You're coming out of a shell and into a state of mind that is more vulnerable in one way â€" yet, in another, far more likely to bring you real power.

Kite Flying

I went to a kite festival today. It was incredibly windy...almost too much for the kites. It was still a lovely day. I attached a picture of one of the kites I saw.

It got me thinking about flying.

I love to watch the birds in the morning and seeing them fly from tree to tree talking to one another.

We humans say we are more evolved than birds and other animals but I have to wonder about that. They have a system that seems to work pretty well with one another. They have predators and such but otherwise it seems they live pretty peacefully.

I think we could learn from the birds and other animals. How we treat one another and how we treat the earth and its resources.

I walked a lot today and now my legs and feet are aching. On my way back from the festival I sure would have rather flapped my arms and flew the last leg home.

I am grateful for being able to walk as much as I do. I know there are many people who aren't able to do that. There are people that are bed ridden from illness or disability. I have a friend who is still recovering from a brain aneurism and is learning how to transfer from a chair to the bed or another chair. Its a huge effort she has to make to do so.

I do realize I am lucky to have pretty decent health over all considering all my body has been through over the years.

Lately, however, I have been feeling pretty old. I know part of it is just getting old and part of it is my recovery from cancer treatment and of course the other part is that I am out of shape and could do more to take care of myself.

I do miss being able to do certain things without being in pain and having to recover from it. I carried two heavy bags with a backpack as well, yesterday, and I'm recovering from that. The bags were too heavy and my back, neck and feet are really hurting.

I'm trying to keep a positive grateful approach about it all. Some days are harder than others.

Maybe I'll dream of myself flying over the ocean tonight in my dreams.

Happy May Day!

Today and this weekend some folks celebrate Beltane and/or May Day. It's when Spring is at its fullest. A time to celebrate fertility of not just becoming pregnant literally but to fertilize projects you may have been working on during the Winter months. A time to move forward with new ideas. Letting go of past hurts that you may have been working on releasing. Watch things grow and be an active participant in doing so. We have to water the plants and make sure they get enough sun.

Today is also my good friend Nancys' birthday! Happy Birthday Nanc!

I also found out some upsetting news about another friend of mine whose cancer has come back after only a year or so since her first treatment was ended.

I really try not to think about whether or not cancer will strike me again, but reality is that I think of it quite a bit. I don't believe I dwell on it, its just there. I relate it to having that fear of something....like dogs or snakes etc.... You don't dwell on it but it's there.

I get so angry when I hear the news of yet another wonderful person getting bad news. I just want to throw a fit and scream!

On a positive note....I am back online due to a generous house warming gift from my friend Dan! He sent me a new laptop! Its about 6 years old but its still newer than my old one, so its new to me! :) I am so grateful! Thank you Dan!!

I'm going to a May Pole/Beltane ritual celebration tomorrow at a local beach. We dance around the May Poles with ribbons and have our ritual then share a potluck meal. All at the beach. I hope its a nice day out.

I started yoga classes up again. Its been years. Theres this self consciousness I get when I can't do all the poses and have to take care of certain body parts. Its like I'm less-than. Which logically I know isn't sensible. Emotionally there is no real logic.

Lots of changes happening. Perfect time of year.

New births and celebrations of many kinds and also a time of bad news and people in need. Is there someone you know that would benefit from your kindness in some way?

Blessed Be!

Less Connections

Happy Earth Day everyone!

It's also my step sisters' birthday, which is so perfect because she's such an earth mother goddess!

I am at the library now since my computer is sick and I can't afford to buy a monitor and certainly not a new computer right now. So, here I am with the 20 or so other people typing away on a public computer that is ergonomically incorrect and my wrists and back are already yelling at me...but who's complaining? :)

It is a newly renovated library that's really nice to hang out in. Nice and bright. Not the dark quiet libraries of the past. It's very inviting.

I have had an almost phobia towards libraries. Recently I've thought about that and pondered why that is. My friend Nancy said she remembers being brought to the library as a child and having a regular visit and introduction with her class. I don't remember that. I don't believe I was ever taught how to use the library. If I was then it didn't stick.

I get overwhelming anxiety going to the library. All the rows and rows of books with the dewey decimal system to figure out.

Some people love hanging out at the library for hours on end or going to an overcrowded bookstore and peruse. Not me. It is anxiety making.

I'm learning to like it here and someday I hope I can love it here. For now i'm using the computer and taking out a fiction book or two, maybe a dvd. I leave as soon as possible.

I'll keep coming back and giving it a try and hopefully I'll stay here for hours and enjoy myself.

Did you know they have magazines to read here? A whole wall of them, all the latest ones I can't afford to subscribe to.

Health update........I saw my oncologist a week ago and all is clear cancer wise. yay!....I had a bone density scan recently and unfortunately my low back osteoporosis has gotten worse. Its always been tricky. I have lordosis (curvature) and arthritis, now my osteoporosis is worsening.....not good...felt very old getting that news.

I started yoga again, i got the ok from my breast surgeon to do so. I will see a specialist as well, in July. So, i'm still plugging along....

tip toeing thru the spring tulips

Death and Rebirth

This time of year is about the rebirth of plants, animals and the sun being higher in the sky for a longer period of time. It's also a letting go time. Letting go of past regrets and starting fresh, a time of putting into action what has been "hibernating" all winter. Ideas and plans put into place and starting to move forward.

I'm noticing so many changes lately. I recently moved into a new apartment. In doing so I've purged a lot of material things that I don't use anymore and have no use for now. It feels really good to let go of things.

There is also some death. My friend Linda as I mentioned in my last post and now my friend Eve. She passed away on February 25th in NYC. I got to see her in Maine before she left for the city. I held back tears when I saw her. She had lost so much weight and was in pain. She was able to walk around and be active. For Eve, however, it was a huge set back.

I had wanted to go to NYC and see her before she died but wasn't able to and her husband politely encouraged me not to. It just wore Eve out too much to have visitors and it just didn't make sense to push her.

This past Sunday there was a memorial gathering at her home in Maine for all the Maine friends and family to pay their respects. The house was overflowing with I'd say about 100 people going in and out. Eve touched so many lives for so many years.

She was a big sister and was very active with play writing and acting and so much I don't even know about.

What I do know is how much of an impact Eve had on my life. She listened without judgment and asked questions that drew out emotions and personal details of my life. It always made me feel better to talk with Eve. We laughed a lot too. We were able to joke about our cancer experiences and side effects. I think Eve felt she could complain about her discomfort to me and it was o.k. I wasn't going to try and fix it or tell her to just be positive. Sometimes you just need to complain to someone who gets it.

I would get these thoughtful and joyful cards hand written to me from Eve. I felt guilty for not writing back as much as I wanted to. I looked forward to her cards and even received one a couple of days before she died. I could tell she was struggling but she kept busy till the end.

We played Bingo at the Cancer Community Center and made May baskets and crafty things that Eve doesnt usually like to do but humored me. We just wanted to hang out and so we did silly things together. I'll never forget it.

Eve was a fireball of energy but she also could just be quiet and listen.

I will miss her and love her so much and can't believe I won't see her again in this lifetime. Not getting her emails or letters or meeting for lunch. I wish I had had more time to get to know Eve.

Its a time to let go of people and things and regrets...look forward, but never forget the good times or the wonderful people who affect and transform our lives.