Friday, August 31, 2007

Day Nine

Walked to rads today, it was incredibly foggy out. I live near the ocean so sometimes the air is thick with moisture. The smell of the sea can be refreshing, take you back to some other time and place. When a friend of mine was visiting last weekend, she mentioned how much she could smell the sea. I hadnt noticed it too much, i guess i get used to it. I appreciate how some people would give their right arm to live where i do. Its easy to take some things for granted. After being diagnosed I’ve noticed things I am greatful for that I may not have noticed before, the little things, and the big things.

The older man whom i saw yesterday was there when i got to the hospital. He is very sweet. I found out he is a volunteer there, to talk to people, help out when he can in some little way or another. We chatted for a while before i went into the “chamber”. He spoke of how its so important to have a good attitude and good support system. “There are people who are older and they live alone in these condos, they get rides from taxi drivers or volunteers, then go home to what? nothing, no one. They dont vent about it, wont talk about it to anyone, just let it fester and build and build”.

He went on saying that it looks like i know that attitude is important. I wanted to say that i’m not as positive as i may seem to be, that i’m good at putting up a front when i need to., but i didnt say that. He said that he had a conversation with a man and told him “ya know when you are in a storm and if you look at the trees, the branches have to bend, if the branch doesnt bend it breaks, thats the same with people, we have to bend in the storm to get through it, if we dont we will break”, i liked that example. Any story with a tree in it is a story i’ll like. He then told me that there was one time thats been the hardest so far for him to let go of. When there was a seven year old girl with brain cancer who died, she battled it for some time. He had sent the girl a book for christmas and got a call from the girls mom telling him that she had passed away two weeks before that. He told me it took him a good month to let that go, very difficult. He said that she at least had a good family with her for support. He said that they aren't supposed to get too close to people for obvious reasons but that he cant help it. I’m so happy that there are people like Mr. A who still exist in this world. Just having a small chat with him helps me more than he probably realizes. I’m sure i’ll see him again, he’s in twice a week.

Nothing happened during treatment to speak of, i was pretty sleepy, just zoned out pretty much. i’d like to try and put a positive spin on the terms i’ve been using. I know i’ve said “torture chamber, and so on...”, so maybe a better way of looking at it is the healing table, or healing room. But sometimes i just need to joke sarcastically and sometimes negatively, it helps me get through it all. I can be positive some times, and other times i just dont want to. I get tired of trying to put a face on, when all i want to do is kick and scream. But i’ll keep putting the face on most days, its my survival.

I had to come home after i went to the library today, due to sudden nausea and light headedness. I guess i needed to eat some protein. I had a piece of cold chicken i had cooked yesterday. That seems to have helped some.

I have three days off now!! whoooo hooo! time to chill out and not get zapped...oh, i mean healed :)
Only 24 more to go!

Thursday, August 30, 2007

Day Eight

Walked to radiation today, nice out, a bit humid. Felt a little queasy this morning. My cat woke me up around 4am, so I'm a bit tired. Nothing too exciting happened today. Met this man in the waiting room who looked to be in his early eighties or so. He asked how things were going for me. He told me that about four years ago he went through radiation and had to go twice a day. He remembered it was once at 8am and then back again at 3pm, and during the winter. He said he made it to the hospital through sleet, snow, and bitter cold. He said "I made it through ok, i'm sure you will too" Puts my situation into perspective.

Before I had gone into the hospital I had some time to kill. I decided to walk to my favorite tree. It has been way too long since i've seen it. The climbing tree. i asked the tree as i leaned against it, one hand on its trunk, to help me, to give me some strength that i know it has, to help with my healing. Trees have amazing energy if you stop and listen and feel it, its there.

I took a bus home and relaxed for a bit before i was due to get a ride from a volunteer who occasionally gives me a ride to the cancer community center. Shes really nice, and has a sweet dog who sometimes comes along for the ride. I wasnt feeling too hot by the time she showed up but i hadnt been to the center in a couple of weeks, so i decided to go anyway. I felt some benefit from the meditation and was feeling pretty good.

Then i went to the knitting class. After a little while, i wasnt feeling so hot. Nauseous, and feverish feeling, couldnt concentrate well, just all around yucky. A couple of women told me that they had heard about radiation sickness, that it is real, maybe thats what i'm feeling? I wanted to leave the center but had to wait for my ride to come back. I got dropped off around 2:30 at my place. I cancelled plans i had had with my step sister. I wasnt up for a visit. One more treatment this week then three days off, thank god!
Only 25 more to go!

Wednesday, August 29, 2007

Day Seven

Ok, i'm finally up to real time, finished copying my journals into this blog, so today is actually
August 29th. Hopefully from now on i can continue blogging on the actual day.

It's "hump" day! Only 2 more treatments this week, then i have a three day weekend. Labor Day is already upon us.

Woke up this morning feeling "heavy". I haven't had many hot flashes lately, maybe my ovaries are deciding to wake up? Maybe i'm hormonal? It's so hard to determine what my body is going through, how to guess the symptoms' cause. I don't know how doctors do it. Its really guess work.
You just hope that the doctors get it right most of the time.

I'm sitting at another cafe, waiting for my next appointment nearby. I ordered a cup of decaf. Its luke warm and tastes like its been sitting since yesterday. I know decaf isnt popular but come on! Food was pretty good. I appreciate food so much more since I am on a restricted sodium diet. I dont eliminate all foods i'm not supposed to have, i just eat a couple of bites and leave it at that. I savor each bite.

I know there are people right now, fighting cancer, that arent able to swallow at all, arent able to taste food, and if they can eat, they can get nauseous after eating. I know i'm lucky to be able to eat, swallow and taste the food and drink i ingest.

I was able to walk to the hospital today. Nurse C didnt even stop talking to her co-worker to look at me when i smiled at her. When i left later on, I said bye to her and she barely acknowledged me.

The techs were nice. R and V definitely were trying to cheer me up a bit. It was nice to get the attention.

An older man and i'm guessing his daughter, were in the waiting room. He didnt have to put on a gown, he mentioned to his daughter that he would just take off his shirt when he got in there.
Lucky. I havent noticed too many younger people in the waiting room yet, maybe i'm in too early to see too many people.

I make sure my head is turned a bit to the left before they start the radiation now. V said to me the first day she worked with me, that I needed to get my neck out of the way. No one else had told me that before that time. Makes me wonder if my neck area was affected the week V wasnt around, when my head wasnt turned, or if it doesnt make a huge difference. All of these unknowns.

Faith has to play a part in all this. Even if you are an atheist, you must have to put some faith in your doctors and the path you've chosen for treatment. Letting go, trusting.

As the day went on I started feeling pretty awful. I got home after picking up a Rx. I was feeling nauseous again, and quite out of it. I layed in bed for a couple of hours, not wanting to move. Maybe i overdid it with my walking around town after treatment today? not sure. Hope i feel better tomorrow. Only 26 more to go!

Day Six

I’m sitting at a coffee shop that i don’t like supporting due to its "chain" energy, but i was under the impression that they had wireless access for my laptop. Now that i’m using it, i find that not to be true. strange, you’d think the big guys would have the capability. This is the first time i’ve taken my laptop out of my house and possibly the last unless i’m using a car to lugg it around. My shoulder and back are killing me. Well, i didnt mean to go on about that.

I was running late today and took a bus into my radiation treatment instead of walking. I knew i’d be walking enough downtown to make up for it. I met the mysterious L guy who works in radiology who keeps walking in and out of the room where i’m getting my treatment. He’s a funny guy, i laughed a lot. You tend to remember the times you laugh these days, felt good. No issues during treatment, i almost dozed off at one point, havent been sleeping well for a while now. My eye was twitching yesterday due to lack of sleep.

I left the hospital..... and a few blocks from the hospital i came across a cat who looked pretty skinny and not so good. It could possible be he was just old, but it didnt seem it to me. I wanted to do something, but all i did was pet him and talk to him, he then walked out into the street, i was so nervous, but he made it ok, he and i kept looking back at one another, he stopped in the middle of the road and looked back at me like he wanted to follow me but couldnt decide if he should. Not having a car and not sure if he was a stray, i didnt take any action but if i see him again i may do something about him. I'll keep an eye out for him.

Next I went to a cool little breakfast/ lunch cafe. It was so hot in there, no a/c, whew! But they have good food. There are probably 10-12 tables in there and not many were filled but its usually pretty busy. After a while i look over at one table and notice a young woman with a scarf on her head. I think i recognize her from the other hospital i went to for my chemo. she looks like she is in her late 20’s. shes with a man having her breakfast. I kept looking over at her, i wanted to make eye contact, say to her, “I know”, or “how’s it going?”, but we never made eye contact, i know she knew i was there, but maybe she wasnt in a place to connect like that. I respect that. What are the chances that another woman, young woman, is in the same small restaurant going thru the same issues, Cancer? I guess its not that strange, unfortunately more and more young people are getting cancer. Its the kids that I cant get my head around sometimes. When i see a young child who has no hair, i wonder what they are going through, if they are suddenly growing up way too fast, or if they can somehow retain their childhood, hold on to it tight.
Only 27 more sessions to go!

Day Five

I had the use of my moms car, so decided to walk down to the beach near me, walk the boardwalk like i used to do before i started radiation.
It was so beautiful and peaceful at 6:30am. I love to see the dogs playing on the beach, they have to be off the beach by 8am. I realize i’m out of shape when i huff and puff up the hill on the last leg of my walk, i used to be able to walk it without struggling too much.
I went off the wagon, so to speak, this past weekend, eating some junk, but boy was it good, didnt walk either. I figured i deserved a couple days off after getting through my first week of rads. Now its back to business.

I found a decent parking spot near the hospital and checked in at the
front desk. I found out that one of the techs was only filling in for another woman while she was on vacation, so the woman i liked the most is now gone, unfortunately. Bummer. The woman now in her position is nice but she talks too much, i was actually getting used to the silence and being able to zone out a bit, not that you can actually zone out really, not with the table going up and down, back and forth, adjusting...... but to an extent. Tech V is very nice and I dont want to complain, its just that you get used to someone and have it set in your mind that they are there to stay, and thats how things are going to be for a while, and now its different. I’ll get used to it soon enough, i’m sure.

I then saw the radiologist on duty, the same one i saw last week. He wanted to see my wound from the mole removal, i told him about my symptoms friday and he told me that basically it couldnt be the radiation that caused those symptoms, "not after only 4 treatments." I had found others who have had the same symptoms as me, so i know its not just me and not a virus as he suggested. Some doctors think they know it all, so frustrating! I’m not falling into that pattern. I know what my body is reacting to, i know the truth. It's being assaulted by radioactive rays, of course the rest of my body is going to react.

I then left and went to the old hospital i had had my chemo at. I wanted to hug the old crew and tell them how greatful i am for the care i got from them. I saw my nurse and one lady who worked at the desk, i gave my nurse a hug and it was so good to see them. They were a sight for sore eyes for sure.

I then went to my osteopath, shes wonderful! She said after my treatment that my body was definitely freaking out, that maybe the new treatment was shocking to it. My body is adjusting and getting used to the radiation. I’m feeling pretty good now, at home and had my protein lunch, a bit tired but doing good. Only 28 more sessions to go!

Day Four

No dramas today. Walked to radiation like usual, i made a point
of telling S that i had had an off day yesterday, she told
me that i was entitled to have one.

Only one thing out of the ordinary happened during treatment. At one point when the machine was moving around me, it hit one of the devices that holds my arm up. I remembered that they can hear me out in the other room, so i said, "uh, R...R..... and looked towards the machine. i didnt want it to radiate me wrong if it moved me off of position. S and R made sure iwas in position before they proceded.

Afterwards i met with a woman who is also a survivor. We went to have coffee at a fairly new coffee shop/cafe near my place. This woman is an inspiration to me, a really down to earth, generous, very sweet person whom i’m so greatful to have connected with. I was able to ask her some questions about radiation and vent a bit about my experiences. Very helpful. We also parked at the ocean for a bit, i all of a sudden didnt feel so well, was really really tired, my eyes were struggling to stay open and my stomache was feeling a bit nauseous. She took me home.

i felt really off for most of the night. really hot and radiating heat, seemed like everywhere. not hungry but made myself eat anyway. trying to drink lots of water. i layed down for about an hour or so and may have even slept for a few minutes, which is unusual. I hope i feel better tomorrow. i have two days off, thankfully, no "cooking" happening for at least 48 hours. Only 29 more to go!

Tuesday, August 28, 2007

Day Three

Well, today started off poorly to say the least. First i woke up to the smell of garlic and onions. I wondered if my neighbor was up early cooking, sometimes she'd be up late cooking, so it wasnt totally out of the question. It wasnt my neighbor, i discovered that when i opened up my fridge. A wall of garlic and onion smell hit me in the face. I had forgot that i had cut up the garlic and onions the night before to use later in some chili, apparently hadnt covered it up well and the whole apartment reeked. I quickly put the container in the freezer and opened up the windows and put the fans on. My eyes were practically watering from the smell. Next, as i was speaking with my friend on the phone, i noticed my cat was freaking out, running all around the apartment making lots of noises. I assessed the situation and found that part of his newly evacuated feces was dangling from his butt hairs. He tried to free it from his behind by dragging himself and his butt on the floor, which now had a smeared trail on it. That didn't work for him, so he was upset, wanting it off! I didn't want him to have an asthma attack, so i needed to resolve the issue fast. I quickly got off the phone, got a washcloth and slowly approached Stewie. He's a large Maine Coon Cat who had been abused so its taken me a long time to gain his trust. Finally, after many attempts he let me wipe him off. I then had to hurry and clean the floor, get ready and walk to my radiation appointment. In between the garlic and onions and poop episodes, i had spilled a glass of water. It wasnt starting out to be the best day. It was only 8am. I had woke up at 4:30, i was not awake for all this. When i arrived at the hospital I was sweating and frazzled, great time to be cooked. I had about 5 minutes to cool down before i went into the chamber. R and S informed me that they were going to attach a device, that looked like a plug for a walkman, to my chest area at some point during the treatment. Its meant to test the amount of radiation that is affecting my skin, to see if my skin is handling the radiation ok. I'm sure there is a more technical explanation, but thats what i gathered was happening. I wondered if the radiation would affect the device and possibly absorb into my body. There is metal and plastic on it, why wouldnt it absorb? Some people say that using plastic in microwaves isnt good due to the plastic absorbing into the food, thus ingesting the plastic when you eat the food. Of course there's some controversy with that, but i tend to believe it to be true. I use glass when i am able to. I didn't have a microwave until i got cancer, which i find a bit ironic. My mom bought me one so i could heat up meals and have an easier time when going through chemo, it has helped a lot i must say. I had woke up this morning feeling really blue, heavy sluggish like. By the time i had got off the torture table i was ready to burst. Too much had happened in such a short time. S had noticed something wasnt right with me. She picked up on it, asked if i had friends and family to support me, she said "let us know if we can do anything." I was fighting back the tears, desperately. When i got to the dressing room i burst into tears, the flood gates opened up. I sat on that bench a long time crying. I felt like i was in some bad soap opera. I took my time getting ready, almost forgot to apply the aloe. When i got myself together and went to the front desk to see the doctor, nurse C thought i had left. I had to wait while she had a tense moment with the radiologist, can you say awkward? I was not in the mood to see the doctor at all. I just wanted to go home. The radiologist introduced himself and asked how things were going. I wonder what he would have done if i had told him the truth? He looked at my wound where my mole was and told me that it would probably get worse and not heal during the whole time i'm in treatment. I was upset because i had asked two doctors before i had had it removed, and got the ok, and now i hear this? grrrrrr.....I left the office pretty quick after that. I was going to go to the other hospital i had gone to for my chemo, to see my old crew, tell them how wonderful they are, tell them i miss them, how lucky i was to have been there, but i didn't have it in me. I needed to get home, to prepare for a visit with an old friend. After getting a burrito, putting up some flyers for the cancer community center, i took a bus home. Not the best day for me. Only 30 more to go!

Day Two

I was just about to leave for the hospital, brushing my teeth when the phone rang. I figured it was my mom and continued brushing. I would listen to her message, call her back. It was the hospital. Apparently the radiation machine is not working properly. They put a call in to someone to come fix it. I found out later that the guy had to drive 3 hours, there are no technicians close enough who know how to fix the machine. I'm not sure how i feel about all this. Part of me wonders if the machine was working properly for my first session yesterday, "is that why i felt so bad last night?"....."maybe it malfunctioned while working on me?",..."did i get the full benefit from the machine?"....all these anxious thoughts go through my head. I wonder if when it is supposedly fixed if it really will be, should i trust it? is it going to burn me badly next time? I know it doesnt help to think these things, but thats how my mind works, most of the time.

so, i have to call them back at noontime, see if the machine is fixed, if i can get a treatment this afternoon. I also wonder if this is going to affect the treatment, how it works for me. We'll see......................Thats all i can do, wait and see.

I had counted the days, to see when my last day is due to be, if i miss today, then it will mess up my plans. i am due to have my last session on october 5th, on a friday, my birthday is on that following monday, columbus day, i dont want to have more sessions after my birthday, i want to celebrate being finished with treatment, finished with cancer. Later on the same day...I went to see my grandmother at the assisted living center she is at. Afterwards I called the hospital to see if the machine was fixed, it was. R, one of the techs, asked if i could come asap. So i did. I took a bus and walked to the hospital. I ended up waiting a half hour before i went in, all my hurrying for nothing. I joked with the techs later, or at least attempted to joke with them, asking if i was the guinea pig for the newly fixed machine. The techs went on to explain how there are so many safety features on the machine, that it shuts down if the littlest things happens. I said that i was relieved it did that. I got the feeling the techs are annoyed by that, saying that it took only a few minutes but they lost 3 hours. They went on to show me what exactly was replaced in the machine. It was the plates/rods that block the radiation and make designs to precisely aim the beams to where they want them on the body They also showed me how it looks when the plates/rods move and change shape, very thorough. I was appreciative of that. Most interesting. I then assumed my position on the table. I was thinking about the conversation i had had in the waiting room before then, with 3 generations of women. They were waiting to hear about their grandfather/father/husband from the doctors. The wife said he had stage four lung cancer, not looking so good. He's older and seems like its pretty serious. when I had first seen the couple, he was on a gurney bed in the hallway, i had just arrived and wanted to let the techs know i was there. The older man was crying, his wife softly speaking with im, holding his hand. I didnt want to disturb them, intrude on their moment or make the man feel embarrassed. so, i quickly did what i needed to do, not looking at either of them and quickly went into the waiting room. I got the feeling that i had witnessed a moment i wasnt supposed to. When i was speaking with just the wife a little time later, the mood was light hearted and almost jovial, she had left her husband with nurses. She is probably in her late seventies early eighties, was attacking the candy dish they have in the waiting area, maybe she wanted to fill a place in her heart that was hurting too bad, make her forget what just happened in the hallway. Sugar can help with that sometimes. CNN was on the t.v., the hurricane update in mexico, we chatted about that for awhile until her daughter and granddaughter walked in. Her daughter had had a lumpectomy, chemo and rads about nine years ago. She told me that the rads were so much better than the chemo. We joked about wigs and eyebrow hair, scarves and baseball caps. The older woman asked me what stage I was diagnosed with. Her daughter seemed embarrassed, telling her that she shouldnt ask that etc....
I told her i didnt mind. The granddaughter just smiled and laughed most of the time. I told the older woman that i used to be stage two, but that after surgery i was stage three. The daughter was three as well. She told me that she IS stage three, like she still has it. I dont want to say that, after my radiation, i'm saying I used to have cancer, now i dont. i told my grandmother today that i used to have cancer and now i'm cancer free. why not? I could be, after all the chemo, i hope so. I also dont want to think that my radiation treatments are all for nothing either, that i'm doing this for a reason, they they will kill off any remaining cancer cells lingering around my breast and armpit. After i finished my treatment, i saw the nurse, nurse C, she seemed so casual about everything, asking if anything major was going on with me now. "major?", i asked, "no, i guess nothing major". She didnt take any vitals or anything like that, just asked if i had any questions. i thought she was going to go over things more with me. I asked a couple of questions. Nurse C told me that i was going to see the Radiologist on duty, not my assigned one. I am due to see one every five days or so along with having an x-ray taken. I felt strange leaving the room with the nurse, it felt like something was missing, like they werent telling me all i needed to know. I wanted to say "Hey, wait a minute, what are you keeping from me?" I had asked about the major protein intake i'm supposed to be following, you take your weight, divide it by 2, and thats how much protein grams per day you are supposed to eat. so i'm around 73 grams per day. Nurse C told me that its supposed to help me get through my radiation. Thats it? There must be more of an explanation? I felt like i had to pull teeth to get the full story from her. Next time i'll have to ask again for more details. I dont believe anyone should accept a mediocre response if thats not what you wanted, not enough details. Ask again till you get the amount of info to satisfy you. Lance Armstrong says on his site that he asked questions, all the time, bugged people so much, but he says you have to do that, even if you feel uncomfortable or you think you are upsetting or bothering the medical people, it doesnt matter. you need to advocate for yourself, get the answers you need, no matter who you piss off. Its your body. You are worth it. It makes sense, but its still not easy to do. I put on some aloe before leaving the hospital, some sunscreen as well. Nurse C said that after a few weeks the area will turn red, in patches, where i get the radiation at, and that thats when i need to use the slimy, very expensive ointment i purchased per my radiologists orders. She said the radiation starts working from the inside and then surfaces later to the skin. Great. Nurse C also measured my arms, just in case I get lymphedema, she said that not every one gets it, that even some people who have had lots of nodes out dont get it. I hope i'm one of those people who dont get it. So right now my arm is burning a bit, i wonder if its the nodes working hard since they arenet at full capacity? Its not the radiation causing the burn since i havent had radiation on my arm. Interesting sensations happening. I just need to drink lots of water and keep my salt intake down, lather on the lotion and hope for the best. Tomorrow is number 3, only 31 more to go!

Monday, August 27, 2007

Day One

Day One

Nervous day, the unknown. i read a quote on the writers almanac the other
day that said something along the lines of....Fear is the strongest human
emotion and fear of the unknown is the strongest cause.....i believe it!
So, I put my newly purchased sling bag on with supplies packed away, such as
aloe gel to apply after my treatment, sunscreen, water bottle, and of course
my knitting, not that i was able to knit at all today, but you never know
when the opportunity arises to knit.
I was off walking around 8am. My first appointment was at 8:45. I made
it there in about 35 minutes. I was told not to wear deodorant or any kind
of lotions before treatment. I arrived perspiring quite a bit, I walk fast. So, i
thought to myself, "i hope they arent too offended with my non-deodorant
armpit up in the air." My radiologist wanted me to walk to treatments, so i am.
it's her fault if i'm smelly.
I knew how i was going to be positioned in the torture table due to the two
appointments i had previously at another hospital when i got my tattoo dots.
They called the appointments "mapping", and "dry run".
The technicians working on me, getting me in line with the radiation machine,
put marker dots on me as well, i get to smell a sharpie every morning along
with the machine smells.
The two techs that are working with me are nice, R and S. They made
sure i was as comfortable as you can be in this situation, a pillow case under
my left arm, a pillow case cushioning part of my right arm in the cups holding
up my arm. I'm laying on a hard table, my head resting on a hockey puck-like
surface. My feet are together with a rubber band so they dont twitch.
I was impressed with the artwork on the ceiling.
A metal works display of vines and insects cover most of the ceiling above the
machine. Quite elaborate for sure. I want to ask who the artist is. There
are butterflies, a dragonfly, ladybug, and a caterpillar, all made out of different
types of metal. I told the techs I was nervous. R explained what was going to happen, trying
to calm me down, reassure me.
I had gone to a cancer support chat room the night before for some support. I
had mentioned to the people there that I was nervous. Instead of support i got
horror stories about bad experiences they had with radiation.....yeah, that
helps...thanks guys! So, I wondered about lymphedema and infections.
Rand S tried to reassure me that most people who are going to get lymphedema
already get it by the time they see them, but thats not what i heard can happen.
i dont say that to them of course, I just nod and act reassured.

I was told that the incredibly loud and annoying buzzing sound will be
longer than the dry run was, thats when the radiation is actually being
administered. The whirring noises are only for the adjustment of the
patterns mapped out for each treatment area. Its controlled electronically.
I was told not to tense up when the buzzing happens, to just breathe normally....
sure, no problem!
I decided to go to a happy, calm place when the buzzing is going on.
I pictured myself sitting on a picnic table at a park i love, next to the ocean.
I am sitting there in a cross legged position, finger on thumbs in meditation mode,
eyes closed, and when the buzzing starts i imagine myself saying
"OoooooohhhhhhhMmmmmmmmm", and picture a blue healing light
cooling my body off along with the radiation beams.
Helped some.

After i got finished i found my mom waiting for me. The techs brought her
into the room to show her the machine and what happens when i get the
treatments etc...

They monitor me from t.v. monitors in another room, they told me they
can see and hear me if i needed them, so they could shut down the machine if
need be.

my mom brought me home and I got some lunch. I then decided to walk
back into town, i needed to go to the library, got some movies and a new
book to read. I decided to take a bus home. I was pretty beat.
when i got back, i crashed out on the couch pretty much. I was definitely feeling
like i had a bit of a sunburn feeling, feverish and hot.
I will see the nurse tomorrow after treatment, shes supposed to go over
things with me.
i really hope that this isnt a bad sign, that the burning i felt today doesnt get
worse. I also have an open wound, semi open, from a mole being romoved, on
my breast, i hope that doesnt get infected too. Well, i'm off to bed now, 2nd
treatment tomorrow, only 32 more to go!
Yikes! i was walking to the hospital, i noticed all the people
who were going to work, so many people with a cup of coffee in one hand,
usually balancing a briefcase or paperwork in the other, maybe a jacket thrown
over one arm, ....the looks on peoples' faces were not happy, not eager
to go to work. I held my head up high, i wanted to show them all that i was
strong and i was ok. They could see my scarf, my lack of eyebrows. I got looks
of all kinds. Most were taken aback a bit by me it seemed. Almost like their
reaction is "people with cancer are out and about in the world?" Like we
should all be quarantined in some hospital or bubble.....stay at home till we
are presentable to the world. We wouldnt want to make anyone feel uncomfortable.

I stood at the intersection, waiting for the light to change. I saw about a dozen
Japanese students across the street, also waiting for the light. Their expressions
were mostly frowns and scowls. I took it as they were sleepy. It was early
in the morning and i remember being a teenager, not wanting to get up early.
As they crossed the street their expressions changed. They were doing something, they
were moving, so its like their bodies restarted, booted up again, smiles and
lots of chatter, all of a sudden got loud. Quiet to loud, frowns to smiles, in a matter
of a couple of minutes.
I thought to myself, "what do they have to frown about?"
Then i remembered my teenage years. They have lots to frown
about, it was a hard time for me. Being young is not easy, so much
pressure from everyone, especially your peers.
I wondered what their stories were, why were they in Maine?
Visiting the art school?
The woman leading the students didnt look at the students, she walked
in front of them, leading the way with determination. She strode almost
military like. It seemed like she wasnt part of the group, considering how far
away she was from them.

Then the light changed and I was on my way to my first radiation appointment.

Welcome to my Blog!
I wanted to post my experience with Radiation Treatment.
I hope there is someone out there who can benefit from
this page, whether it be you, a relative of yours or friend
who may be about to go through radiation. I also wanted a place
for my friends and family to go to if they were interested in how
I was doing, or wanted information on what the treatments were
all about.....