Days Twelve and Thirteen

Didn't get a chance to blog yesterday. I ended up going to see my osteopath. I luckily got a ride from a volunteer that sometimes gives me rides to the cancer community center. I love my osteopath, shes wonderful. I'm so glad i went with my gut to go yesterday, instead of thinking of all the excuses of why i shouldnt go. i felt better when i left there. I'm planning on going once a week for the next three weeks. I'll figure out payment later. luckily my insurance pays for most of the sessions.

No big news to share about radiation. My skin is starting to show redness, i still have some swelling and i'm incredibly sore. The fatigue and feeling a bit ill is still an issue, but not overwhelming all the time.

I'm still walking to my treatments. I plan on walking tomorrow to the farmers market. The weather turned hot and humid today and supposed to be hot again tomorrow. I really need some veggies, so i'll at least walk there and maybe take a bus home.

Today when i went into the hospital, there was a man on a gurney, waiting outside the "chamber". I can see him clearly now in my head. He was probably around 85 years old. No one with him. He was out of it, with his mouth wide open. I hate to say this but if someone were to say that the man was dead, i would have believed them. It was a really sad sight to see. I heard one of the techs tell the nurse that she needs to check how his mental state is before they bring him down for treatment. If he's not in a good place, to not bring him down. Interesting.

I noticed people today. As i'm walking to the hospital, i wondered how i looked walking. Was i walking a straight line, was I swerving due to my poor equilibrium? I noticed others walking. I love people watching. One lady had her arms out from her sides as she walked, like she could attack you at a moments notice. A bit scary. One guy walked with bowlegs, as if he had just got off a horse. One man walked with his back hunched over, looking at the ground. What kind of energy do you project when you walk? Do you look at people in the eyes? Do you give a small smile to people or actually say hello? I find some people will smile at me, sometimes its a pity smile but most often not. I really try to make a point of looking at people in the eyes most of the time. You never know how one small gesture can change a persons mood. I know it helps me when i'm feeling low.

Today is my moms' birthday, Happy Birthday Mom!
Love you!

Only 20 more to go!

Day Eleven

Really cool morning today, fall is here.

The farmers market was downtown today. I noticed the orange chinese lantern flowers for sale. I think they are flowers. They remind me of halloween. The orange and red colors are coming out. At least i havent seen any christmas ads yet, thats when it gets depressing.

I was walking down the long hallway to the radiation department and ahead of me was a guy being guided on a gurney to a different room than where i go. I noticed he was reading a book as he was being pushed down the hall. I thought "Well, he must not be that sick if he's reading a book at this time", but then i realized thats not necessarily true. Sometimes we need an escape from whats happening around us.

I wish i had had an escape today.

I dressed as if i was going into battle. My camoflauge shorts, purple bandana, black t-shirt. I was ready for action. I knew i'd be seeing my radiologist and I knew that i'd be confronted with opposition. Lately i've felt i have to fight for validation or understanding of what i'm faced with. After my treatment i waited to see if my radiologist had time to see me, the nurse wasnt sure she was even going to show up. When she did show up i heard the nurse ask the doctor if she had time to see me, her reply was "yes, but not on a regular basis", very stern tone of voice.
Great, cant wait to see her now. I followed her into the room, I told her my symptoms or side effects i've been experiencing. She proceded to tell me that my symptoms were not radiation related and that its stress and i should take some yoga classes. I told her that other survivors i had spoken to have had similar symptoms and that i'm sensitive etc.... She told me again that there was no way those symptoms were related. She was close to my face when she was telling me this. I wanted to yell at her or start crying. But i just looked away.

You know, its hard enough going through treatment but when you have to argue with your doctors to get them to take you seriously, it just takes a lot out of you, the little reserves of energy you have left is sucked out.

I just need to shake it off and tomorrow's a new day.

Only 22 more to go!

Day Ten

I did not want to go to treatment today. It felt like going back to school, wanting to stay in bed, having my mom yell up to me, saying i better be out of bed, when i heard her footsteps coming up the stairs, i'd sit up and say, "I'm up i'm up!" then fall back into bed. It was one of those mornings today. My cat doesnt let me sleep in however. He has gotten into the habit of catapulting off of me, using all of his 15 pounds of strength. Then proceeds to get into mischief knowing it will get me out of bed. stinker!

I walked to radiation, cool morning. I noticed the clouds as i was waiting for a light to change. They were amazing! The shapes this one bunch had were almost like as if someone manufactured them, stuck them into the sky, the shapes were repeated like an ocean wave. I was hypnotized and almost forgot to cross the road when the light turned red.

I got to the hospital with five minutes to spare. Mr. A was there. We chatted for a while. come to find out he used to work as a parts engineer for an aviation company, and used to fly planes i believe. He also owned a photography store, loved/loves to take pictures. We have something in common.

Miss V came to get me, R is off today. It was only Miss V and L-man today. Everything seemed a bit off today. maybe it was R being gone, or the fact that it was a long weekend, things were just different. maybe i'm more of a creature of habit than i realized.

I saw nurse C afterwards, she wanted to check out my skin. She told me that the swelling is normal and that i can take advil if i want to to reduce the swelling. I'm just glad its not a sign of lymphedema. Feeling a bit lopsided today....:) ...and sore.

Saw the orange cat i had seen last week. He is definitely skinny. I may contact HART and see if they will come get him, or try to anyway. They are the all cat shelter i got my cat at. A no kill shelter.

Only 23 more to go!

STEWIE

Day Off

No rads today.....thankfully....
feeling like i'm coming down with a cold.
Hope not.
I ate lots of fresh garlic and some fresh parsley from my dads garden.

maybe that will kick any sickness coming my way.

need to stay strong for my treatments.

Hope every one had a great long weekend!