Wednesday, November 14, 2007

Is it enough?

I'm starting to feel better, the cold is moving on out and the menstrual issues are what they are. I got to thinking about what i'm doing right now, day to day.

I added a new link from a friend of mine, her blog(starcat). She is someone who is usually working on several projects on top of being a mother who helps homeschool and works full time. I know its not healthy to compare and judge, but its hard not to and can sometimes motivate me.

Today however, i am beating myself up a bit. I've worked through some of it and am learning not to do that. I am just not as settled with where i'm at right now. I try to remove myself from the situation and think, if i was a friend saying these things, and acting all upset, what would i say to her? Would I judge her and think that shes not doing enough? would i tell her shes doing a lot right now and needs to recover? I'm not sure.

I'm a month out of treatment. I still have pain in my arm and chest area, still have a tan from the radiation, my body is starting to build up its muscles again. I know i need to be gentle with myself and take this time to rest. I have a hard time with that. I want to look at each day and see that i've accomplished something, be able to check off items from a list. Theres something satisfying when you cross off your to-do list.

My day, yesterday, consisted of knitting, watching movies, cleaning a bit, going to the supermarket with my dad, and the best of all was finishing a Sudoku puzzle. I'd never attempted Sudoku before. I was able to figure out how to play and then figure it out, it took me a couple of hours to do two of them, but once i got the idea it fell into place. I was close to giving up, its so frustrating, but i was challenged, i didn't want to give up. That felt good, i finished what i started, completed the task. Months ago there would be no possible way i'd be able to do one of those puzzles. So in a huge way for me, it was a big leap forward. My mind isnt all mush still, its waking up, and i'm able to take on challenges.

I read up on hysterectomies and it was pretty scary the risks and possible side effects.......... "especially for women under age 45", yikes! I had to stop reading at one point. Too scary. One of the possible risks/side effects is that i could have cognitive problems and early altzeimers disease, along with many many other risks. The cognitive bit said the phrase i listed above. What it comes down to is that being in my age group is much more risky than the older age group when it comes to getting any kind of disease or physical condition, theres no way around that. I will just have to do the best i can and hope for a great outcome. What else can i do?

At least i'm alive today, i have today.

Monday, November 12, 2007

Day of Rememberance

There are a couple of things i wanted to write about today.

what this day means to me, and jealousy.

First off, its November 12th, 8 years ago my boyfriend Stuart died in a motorcycle accident in England. It feels like a lifetime ago sometimes. I miss him still.

Second, I decided to make today my cats birthday, Stewie, yes, in honor of Stuart. I had adopted him about a year ago. It was a couple of weeks before i found my tumor. The vet i took him to said he thought he was around 2 years old. So today he is 3 years old. I may buy him a cat toy if i make it to the drug store to get some juice and decongestant for me. Also its my friend Pauls birthday, Happy Birthday Paul!

Its also the observance of veterans day. I believe in remembering people who have died in war on all days of the year, not just one day. Its a nice reminder though, that there are people right now at this very moment, fighting for a cause they believe in. Even if i dont believe in their cause, they believe it and they are fighting for their country. On both sides, all sides of the wars being fought all over the world. In Sudan, Iraq, Afganistan, Pakistan, Israel, Burma, so many places all over the earth.

It would be a perfect day if we all just stopped, sat in silence and did nothing, took a deep breath and just sat in silence. Just one day, all beings on the planet. Wouldnt that be amazing?

Ok, on to my second topic.....Jealousy.

Its hard to even type the word. It jumps off my fingers like sticky taffy. Not natural.

There is so many types of jealousy. Its hard to admit that I am jealous at times. There are different levels of jealousy i believe. There is the natural envy kind of innocent jealousy, like when you see someone with a house you'd love to own someday, or a family you'd like to create in the future. Then of course theres the toxic kind of jealousy. The kind that you can feel in your body. I was reminded of when i was around 18 or 19 years old. I was friends with a coworker and i really thought we were becoming good friends. Then one day it all ended over her jealousy. She accused me of flirting with her boyfriend and said i flirt with everyones boyfriend. She continued to accuse me of more things i wont get into. I was absolutely floored by her accusations. I was in no way shape or form flirting with her boyfriend. I even went to a friend of mine and asked her about it, asked if thats what i do and just didnt see it. She was laughing so hard, she said that i'd be the last person she knew to do something like that. I was relieved that she validated that for me. This was a case of this girl not seeing what was really going on. I couldnt convince her otherwise and she ended our friendship over it. It clearly affected me. I never had any resolution from that experience, no closure.

I've been jealous of people, mostly of friends. Theres one friend that started hanging out with an old school mate and in turn spent less time with me. I found myself wanting to tell my friend that this new friend didnt treat her as well as i do and that she takes advantage of her, etc... I realized i was acting jealous. Luckily i didnt say any of those things, i was able to process those thoughts on my own before i vocalized them. Jealousy is a powerful dis-ease of the mind that can take over if we let it. We've seen the news where someone kills another person over jealousy, its a powerful thing, but only if we give it the power. Just like fear, which could be a cousin of jealousy.

I know i've gone on and on in this blog today. I felt the need to do so. When i'm sick and have nothing else to do but ponder things, i have thoughts to express.

Do you ever notice a jealousy in you?

Sunday, November 11, 2007

Sick

Well, i caught another virus of some kind. I suppose my radar isn't on like it was during chemo, i was so careful with washing hands and staying away from crowds etc... i'm in with the general population now. Its been a relief to not think about it so much, but now i'm sick more.

Most of me wants to walk and socialize. Move my body. If i do that i could end up bed ridden for a while, so i need to rest. I get stir crazy. I've been resting since friday afternoon. I want to be well now. Things to do, people to see. I'm not the most patient person when i'm sick, not that i'm the most patient to begin with. I'm working on it.

I took a yoga class friday morning and realized how my muscles are atrophied from all the sitting around all year. I have been walking but that only uses certain muscles. During a couple of "easy" poses my muscles wanted to spasm and seize up. Scary feeling. I have to start all over again i guess. Start getting my muscles back in shape.

I had been in the doctors office the other day and noticed how these six kids were entertaining themselves with common objects. There was one parent and six kids in a doctors office. Usually that combo could be intense on the noise level. These kids were basically quiet. Two young boys were making their paper cups into sailboats, putting them on the ground and blowing the "sails". They were racing the boats. They did this very quiet. Another boy would crawl under seats and find small areas to challenge himself with, to see if he'd fit. One girl was reading. One boy sat next to his mom and watched her read. They all made little sound and yet were doing something. It amazed me. They didnt need hand held video games or loud toys to entertain them. The childs mind is so creative, i think we adults forget that sometimes.

I look at my cat who loves to play with milk rings and pieces of crumpled up paper.

I'm not sure why i chose to write about that, it has been on my mind. Creativity.

oh, and i made my decision on thursday after i met with my oncologist. I am going to have a hysterectomy, hopefully laproscopically, then go on Aromatase Inhibitors about two or so weeks after the surgery. I should find out next week when the surgery is. My gynecologist will hopefully be performing the surgery at the hospital i like. She said i'd be at the hospital one night. I'm hoping to still be able to go to London for New Years. Fingers crossed.

Now, back to bed.....ugh.....