Saturday, December 1, 2007

Another thought

I know i just posted yesterday but have some more thoughts to share.

For some strange reason i've noticed a theme around me lately. Hair cuts. Its the oddest thing. Everyone seems to be getting their hair cut lately. Is it the time of year? In one day i had 4 conversations with different people about hair cuts and then even on t.v. there were shows about hair styles and cuts.

My hair isnt long enough yet to really style or cut. I suppose i could have a little trim around my ears or shave the light hair on my neck area. Theres really no way i could get a real hair cut. My friend from NH said that it must seem a bit like someones rubbing it in my face, that i cant get a cut.

At least i can save time and money on not having to do much other than wash my hair. It takes no time to style. I bought some hair goo thats supposed to help spike it or give it body. Thats the extent i'm going right now.

Its such a simple thing but yet it seems the major focus around me lately.

I'm reminded of some thoughts i had a little while ago when i was deciding about my hysterectomy. Since i made my decision i've noticed babies everywhere. It is all around me. I am really ok with not having children but of course theres a part of me that wonders about it. Giving birth and what the whole experience would be like. I am a woman after all, its in my genetic makeup to procreate.

When i got diagnosed with cancer it was the same idea. I saw cancer everywhere. It was around the time the whole Elizabeth Edwards news story hit. I saw cancer patients and info all around me. Overwhelming. I still see it everywhere but i dont have the same fear, its changed shape.

I suppose its like anything else, once you focus on something you notice it everywhere. It was always all around, we just dont notice it.

Friday, November 30, 2007

Catching up

Been a while since i blogged. It seems i'm busier than i used to be. It feels good to be active again. Its almost like being part of society and not just in the cancer world.

Update on health......I went in to the Lymphedema clinic to have my arm measured. Before i started radiation i had my arms measured. Sometimes rads can cause lymphedema. Luckily it didnt for me. Maybe it was due to my walking everyday, or drinking lots of water, not being overweight, who knows, ....maybe i just got lucky. I still have to be careful. I can get lymphedema at any time for the rest of my life. Knowing that causes me to be more aware of what i'm doing and eating. I'm not so sure thats always a good thing. I feel i'm more intuned to my body, which i appreciate. I just don't want to stress over the little things. I thought i was doing pretty well with that aspect of it. I ate pretty much what i wanted to, adjusting salt or having smaller amounts, drinking water, walking a lot. After i got measured i found out i have some swelling under my arm. Not lymphedema thankfully, but the early signs of what could be. I went into the clinic today for a lymphatic massage. I'll be getting about 4 sessions total. They are going to try and reduce the swelling and also wake up the other lymph areas of my body. Maybe they can take up the slack that the missing lymphs cant. I am also going to learn how to do some lymph work on my own.

The session was very relaxing, like a regular massage, but different.

Other than that i have some pain and tightness in my arm and chest area. could be due to the swelling or radiation side effects, not sure.

I made a big decision as well. The idea was for me to have a hysterectomy on Dec 12th, then go to London for new years. The more i thought about that i realized that wasnt going to happen. What was i thinking? I get exhausted normally when i go overseas by the jetlag and long travel time alone, then i would add recovery from a major surgery and being thrust into menopause?

I can see it now. Theres me waving my arms around and screaming at someone due to the hormones swirling around my body, and then drinking too much to compensate, they'd have to land the plane in Ireland and protect the other passengers. No....not a good idea. I'm not super woman. Although sometimes i wish i could fly away on a moments notice.

So, i've decided to have my surgery in January. I checked with my Oncologist and he gave me clearance. He told me that the chemo was supposed to kill the aggressive cancer cells and that getting rid of the estrogen sooner rather than later is a good idea for the long term. To wait just a month or so would not(should not) make a difference. I was looking at my life this year and how many times i've said no to people, not being able to do things, go places. I was diagnosed January 26th, nearly a year now. I want to have some fun! I didn't want to say, one more time, i'll go to london next year. What if, goddess forbid, i have a recurrence next year? Then i wouldnt be going to london most likely. I have to live for now. I also want to be somewhat realistic and do what my docs say, so after getting clearance i booked my flight!

I'm going to London for christmas and new years!!

I can't wait! I'll go and have fun, then come back and have my surgery and be able to recover properly without having to go anywhere, just tuck in to a cold winter in maine, and heal. Get ready for spring.

ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

Sunday, November 25, 2007

Poem

I wanted to copy this poem into my blog today, it really hit somewhere deep for me.

Poem: "If You Knew" by Ellen Bass, from The Human Line. © Copper Canyon Press, 2007. Reprinted with permission. (buy now)

If You Knew

What if you knew you'd be the last
to touch someone?
If you were taking tickets, for example,
at the theater, tearing them,
giving back the ragged stubs,
you might take care to touch that palm,
brush your fingertips
along the life line's crease.

When a man pulls his wheeled suitcase
too slowly through the airport, when
the car in front of me doesn't signal,
when the clerk at the pharmacy
won't way Thank you, I don't remember
they're going to die.

A friend told me she'd been with her aunt.
They'd just had lunch and the waiter,
a young gay man with plum black eyes,
joked as he served the coffee, kissed
her aunt's powdered cheek when they left.
Then they walked a half a block and her aunt
dropped dead on the sidewalk.

How close does the dragon's spume
have to come? How wide does the crack
in heaven have to split?
What would people look like
if we could see them as they are,
soaked in honey, stung and swollen,
reckless, pinned against time?