Differnt kinds of tired

I got up at 6:30 this morning in order to get to PT on time. I have to take fosamax once a week for my osteoporosis. In order to do that i have to take it first thing in the morning with a full glass of water, stand for 30 minutes and not eat or drink anything for at least that amount of time. When you are very tired it's especially hard to stand up first thing and keep busy, waiting for the timer to run out.

I then went to PT and had to muster up some energy to do my workout. The last week or so i've been experiencing extreme fatigue. Part of me worries about the cancer being back. Fatigue is a big sign of cancer. I know its silly and i need not worry about it. Fatigue can mean many different things. I can't help but wonder though.

I see my cat sleeping most of the day and get envious. Maybe my next life i'll come back as a cat.

There are different kinds of tired i've learned this past year.

When i was in chemo treatment I discovered a whole new tired. The kind where your body is desperately wanting to sleep but your mind won't let you. When you do sleep it doesnt make you feel better like when you take a nap and feel refreshed. Nope, not the case with chemo fatigue.

This kind of tired i'm experiencing is the kind where my motor skills are off and i am bumping into things, real clumsy. I have dry eyes and squint to keep them open.

I have things to do and places to be, ...so being tired just isnt in the plan.

I've heard that recovery from treatment can take a year or more. I suppose I have an excuse now. Maybe I AM still recovering? Frustrating. I want to be back to my old self and be able to do all i want to do without having to take a nap.

When i hit the one year mark of being finished with treatment then maybe i'll have my energy back.

fingers crossed

Windy Spring

It has been so windy lately. The spring winds are coming in. I just wish it was warmer as well.

There is still snow on the ground and the temps are below 40 most days.

Spring is still coming forth even with the un-spring-like conditions.

The birds are singing and making nests. I saw a crow making his/her nest in a tree outside my window yesterday.

It reminds me of how life still moves forward even if your surroundings tell you otherwise.

I added a new site to my list of websites i go to regularly. Its a site mainly for young survivors under the age of 40. I still qualify. The people who run the site are really great! They have a radio show you can download to your MP3 or ipod for free. I may be on one of the segments in the near future. Their motto is Stupid Cancer! And its true....it IS stupid, but its also smart, it takes over even when we do all we can to stop it. What the I2Y crew is really saying, i believe, is that we can look down at it and not let the C word take over our lives, its about continuing to live and making sure we live well, not let it bring us down.

I had a day of intense testing on friday. I drove through a small snowstorm to get there at 8:30am. I met with the Neuro Psychologist and he asked me a bunch of personal questions, getting my "history". Its just an outline of course. How can one tell their history in a matter of minutes? After the questions we got right to work with the testing.

I decided to get the test done because of my memory and other brain functions being off since treatment. I wanted to see if I have any kind of learning disability and to see where my strong learning abilities are. It was exhausting and quite emotional. I didn't expect that at all. I had an hour off for lunch, but thats it for breaks. I was there from 8:30 till about 3:30, testing non stop. He tested my memory and motor skills mostly. I didn't do so well on the math problems. Math has always been a weak part of my learned skills. I did really well on the part where you see what is missing from a picture. I've always been good at details.

I had two words in my mind when i got home that afternoon. Brain Bootcamp! Thats what it felt like. My brain was so fried afterwards i couldnt do anything but relax.

I do know one thing, I do not want to be a neuro psychologist. No thank you.

I should find out my results in about 2-3 weeks. It will be interesting to see what the doctor says. I got to hang out with his dog named Cowboy for a lot of the testing. He's very sweet. I don't get much dog love lately. Its always good to get animal energy. Good for the soul.

I wonder if the "chemo brain" i've experienced really comes through with the test results. We'll see.

For now i'm just blowing in the wind, seeing where it will take me.