Thursday, May 8, 2008

Over doing It

When do you know when you've overdone it?

Back a few years I was working out at a fitness club. I didn't go regularly. I couldn't seem to get into a routine. I know i'm not alone. When I did go I usually worked out hard. It was almost like I wanted to get it over with and get in shape asap. I'd go home feeling sore and exhausted, sometimes i injured myself.

When I was writing for fun and working on a novel, that I can't find today, I would sit for hours at a time without a break, no bathroom break, no drinking or eating, just focusing on my writing, I was determined to get it done, go with the flow and not stop. My hands would cramp up and my neck and shoulders would scream at me. I seem to do that a lot with most things.

Lately i've been walking quite a bit. I get impatient and dont want to wait for the bus and I also think i better walk off that doughnut i ate yesterday. I wouldnt say I was obsessive with my walking but more determined.

I end up paying for it physically though. I missed the bus yesterday and had to practically run to my appointment. This was after I had already walked an hour to another appointment. I ended up getting to my appt all sweaty and miserable. I was overdressed and overheated. A beautiful day but I didnt enjoy it while i was running around town.

I went to my radiologist check up appointment. The Doc said everything looks ok. She was a bit concerned with my weight loss and some pain i've been having but otherwise she will see me again in 6 months.

I got home after having walked (power walked) over 2 hours.

Exhaustion kicked in big time.

I remember when I could do that kind of thing and not blink an eye about it. Now it seems my body can't deal with it the same way.

I wonder how long i'll be feeling this way? Will I slowly get my strength back? Or will I always have this kind of fatigue.

Time will tell I suppose.

I have that same determination in me but its not the kind that is productive. Its the kind that brings frustration when I can't do the things I want to do and keep going. Its hard for me to give in and accept where i'm at right now.

Mothers Day is coming up. It has always been hard for me to allow society to tell me when I need to honor my family. I want to honor them on my own time and in my own way. Theres this pressure to do things when you are "supposed" to. Thats not how I work.

I love my mother and am so grateful for her. I know i'm lucky to have a mother now. Some people don't have one anymore or never did.

There are alot of mothers around me. My wonderful stepmom whom I love dearly. My stepsister who has an amazing daughter. My stepbrother and step sister in law who have two beautiful children. My brother is a mother sometimes as well as a father. There are many more.

Theres another layer of emotion for me this year. The fact that I cannot bare children. I know I could still be a mother to an adopted child or some other persons child but its the fact that i'm not going to have children that touches a certain place in me.

I know I'm ok with not having children, but it comes back to society. Society tells you that there must be something wrong with you for not wanting children. I love kids. I could go on about all the social and economic reasons for not having children. On a personal level I just don't think its in the cards for me. Some people are just not meant to have children and I believe people shouldnt be judged for not wanting that life choice.

So, this mothers day i'll honor all the mothers out there, especially mine. I'll also try to forgive myself and accept the fact that I wont be having children and its ok.