Well I've had an up and down kind of weekend so far.
I felt the urge to write about it.
The pain I'm having on my ribcage has gotten much worse. So I went up on my meds I think it was Friday? So that adds more memory issues and more fatigue until my body gets used to the change.
I have noticed my memory over all, even before the up in medication, has been challenging.
Well, this morning I spoke with someone who I treasure my time with and she told me we have a visit scheduled for this week and on my paper schedule I have nothing written down. So my mind went into overdrive when I was half asleep as well, to try and find the memory of when we decided on this visit. I couldn't put the pieces together of when that was. I can't tell you how upsetting that is to forget something important as a visit with a friend is. It's one thing to forget a name of an actor or a street name. That happens to everyone. But to remember a visit planned? To me that ups the ante of stress in my brain. I am someone who is/was super organized. I would remember the phone call or email or whatever it was that occurred in making that appointment. Not now. Wow! It's like someone took some tweezers and plucked out that memory completely. It's like I want to find the person responsible for causing this. Ahhhh, that's right....CANCER! Fatigue, med increase, stress, feeling beat up at the DMV two days ago because I didn't have my nurses medical license number on the form so she yelled at me over and over until i was shaking uncontrollably and my brother had to step in to help, lots of emotional triggers lately......who knows? It's all connected like a spiders' web to CANCER being in the middle.
I love that I can still schedule my time, MY TIME, still. But lately things have been happening. Not every day and still under the normal of 'people making mistakes and its ok' category. I will be so incredibly sad when scheduling will be in someone elses' hands.
I know it will happen some time. I walk with a cane now. I have a disabled placard to use in anyones car, which is helpful but its still one more thing to show people that I have something going on with me. Something not right. Different.
I wish I could plan on how I will feel each day. What to do.
My brother came up for a short visit. It was great to see him. He wanted to make plans before he came up and I had to tell him, like I have to tell everyone, that I just don't know how I'm going to feel at each visit. I can't make reservations at a restaurant. Most restaurants are too loud for me to go to now. There is a wonderful Tea House that is lovely and usually very quiet. I do get a little tired of having the same small choices of food. The Tea House is mostly for tea but with some yummy pita bread with different options such as olives and tomatoes and hummus, feta cheese or goat cheese with scrumptious spices on them such as cardamon.
I guess, I just wanted to express my sadness for not being able to do certain things as good as I could before and how things are declining once again.
It's a rainy Sunday and I suppose it fits my mood.
5 comments:
Hi Jenn,
I'm sure others have said this already to you personally, but I just wanted to echo the idea that as you know the meds are probably one of the top reasons for memory issues. I have a terrible memory myself, and find that people are turned off by my scatter brain, but I just keep plugging away and remind myself that those who love me will understand.
As for the pain, I'm so sorry it is increasing again. I truly hope the change in meds will help, but of course the trade off is the mental side of things. Healing thoughts are coming your way :)
You know, you mentioned how the cane and disabled car thingy tell the world that you are different. We are all different. I know you value the fact that I speak my ind, and so I felt inspired to say that today to you. The world is made up of billions (trillions?) of unique individuals with their own challenges.
I reject any attempts by "society" or even people I personally know to try to put a label on me or put me in some kind of box for their own comfort. People are of course welcomed to think what they like about me, but I myself will not wear a label or conform to anyone else's ideas of what "normal" or "usual" are, you know?
Remember, it is your heart that is important. That is what we all see when we look at you or read your words. Anyone not able to do that simply does not matter. That opinion may sound cold, but it is how I am trying to live my life.
You are beautiful and perfect in every moment. Truly. Your cane, your med friend Bob, and anything else that may be perceived as "out of the ordinary" is simply a garnish on the side of a gourmet treat that is you.
Love you and your cane ~ Val
Hi Jenn,
You are loved just the way you are, cane and all. Thank you so nuch for sharing your experiences. Sending you warm hugs from accross the miles.
Liz
NYC
Thinking of you today, Jenn, as you return home from the hospital. Sending you healing vibes and lots of love, Val
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