V-Day

Hi Ya'll

I just wanted to share how my Valentines Day went today.

I think I've mentioned that Valentines Day is not a favorite holiday for me. At least not in past years.

So, I thought I'd try and make today be about LOVE and being with friends. It doesn't have
to mean being with a boyfriend or romantic partner. It can be a wonderful day to remember what love means to so many people in so many ways.


I made lots of new cards with my photography and a friend is selling some (hopefully) at a great event happening tonight. She offered to put some of my cards in a basket. I hope they got seen and maybe some are out there in the world. So nice to think that they will be here even after I"m gone. I know most will be recycled or thrown away, thats what we do with most cards after a while right? I've saved some over the years. But they add up! Especially being a cancer survivor and getting cards all the time, which at the time was beautiful and very much appreciated. Its just that over the last 6 years especially, I would have boxes of them. Some people that have passed, I've kept some of their cards so maybe others will do that with mine? Makes me smile to think so.

I got to hang out with my mom this morning and that was fun! She gave me some special items and one was a small painting of some mourning doves! I had taken a bunch of pictures of "my" doves out my window during the last snow storm and she took a couple pics. I had no idea that she was planning on giving me the painting. Its so precious! I really love it. I feel the love she put into making it too. Thank you mom!

I then had a really good time with my dear friend Gen. We were delayed in getting out and about this afternoon partly due to my intestinal issues still hanging on a bit, and then my sink needed repairing, so by the time we got out, the sun was getting ready to set in about an hour or less. It ended up being the perfect time of day for some wonderful pictures. I didn't have a huge amount of energy so maybe having the light go away was a good thing because I really wanted to keep going. I remember saying to Gen, just a little bit more..... to the corner. Lets cross the street........ and then I looked up the street that has a bit of an incline and knew.....nope. Not a good idea. I did do quite a bit anyway.

Gen was so flexible with our plans. She bought us both a hot beverage and a fancy schmancy cup cake. They are known for having expensive cupcakes so we were both reluctant to a point. I tell you what....that was an amazing cupcake. I think it may be worth the price. YUMM! I feel like John Travoltas character in Pulp Fiction. "Thats the best five dollah milk shake I ever had", or something along those lines. Happy Birthday tomorrow Gen!!

I was sent some fun pics on my phone of my step siblings out on their Valentines' dates. It was so joy-filled and I saw LOVE. So great! I know this sounds like I"m on ecstasy or something, but I assure you i'm not. I just sometimes feel like I'm getting it for the first time. Some say that as you get closer to the other side that you gain bits and pieces of the reason why we humans are here on Earth. What the real purpose is. That bits of information come at you and then when you DO die, then you get a LOT more info on the big picture. I don't know if it would be ALL of the "picture'.

Who knows but something inside me feels like this is true. I keep having these moments of just "getting it".

As Oprah says...."an Ah-Ha moment"

Thank you all for reading and for posting comments

Happy V-Day Everyone!

Happy V-Day!

Happy Valentines Day! I took this shot during a blizzard the other day. Its hanging from my window

I love that I can still take photos and create my art even if I'm snowed in my apartment. :)

So I've never liked Valentines Day. I may have mentioned this before and I'm sorry if I'm repeating myself. I've had other friends along the way who also hated it so I used to have Anti-Valentines day parties and go the nine yards...wearing black, can't touch one another if you are a couple, i passed out hand made hearts with cracks thru them for people to wear. Played love stinks in the back ground....you get the idea.

I think back then I was just sad that I rarely had a boyfriend on THE DAY. And all the pressure that goes with getting presents and receiving presents. I remember when I worked as a bank teller a million years ago, we'd all see the flower delivery person come in and try and guess who they'd be for and how good the arrangement was. Like it was being judged and then if they weren't all that...then the relationship would be judged. Are you kidding me!? wow!

Such pettiness.

The last few years I've tried to embrace it a bit more and not be so scrooge-like and angry about it.

I'm determined to look at things differently on my last valentines day. No I don't have a boyfriend who will buy me roses or make love to me by candle light, but I CAN think about love in general. Love for ALL beings who exist in my life and not.

So, ok....

Love.....

I love that most mornings I wake up to see my cat next to me on my bed even though he can barely fit due to his size and me being in a hospital bed that is a twin size. I love that.

I love that most mornings the mourning doves out my window are waiting to get fed by me and just sitting on the tree out my window staring in at my window when I pull up the shade. I love that.

I love that there is a secret valentine post-er who posts regular sized white pieces of paper with a big red  heart on it, all over town. EVERYWHERE!!! I love love love that! You never know where they are going to be. On every business and window and store front and usually there are some challenges. Last year I think it was, there was one way way up high on our local museum, it would take a very high ladder or maybe theres a door up there that I can't see and this person has connections? The challenges are most fun. But it makes people smile so why not? Its been happening for years and years now.

I love that my digestive system is almost calmed down today, so i'm not in severe pain and exhaustion that i was for almost two days straight.

I love that I will be seeing my mom today. She already let loose that she painted me a picture of two of "my"mourning doves. I can't wait to see it!! My mom is a wonderful painter.

I also love that I will see my friend Gen to go do whatever. We are both photographers so we both, being single, have vowed to try and focus on LOVE when we shoot today. Maybe finding some heart shaped rocks or shooting what love looks like? Its also her birthday tomorrow, so I will be so happy so see her open her present and I hope she doesn't already have it. Fingers crossed.

I love so many people in my life who love me even though my brain isn't cooperating too well lately and has caused me to be cranky and irritable.

I love my hospice team who are there for me lovingly and not judging me or being rude to me. Compassionate. So important.

I have to say that I REALLY will be happy when its over. But for today I will try my hardest to let the negative feelings go about V-Day and enjoy it for what it is.

I hope you all have a great day too!

I'd love to hear any posts you may want to leave. Even if its just that you are reading the blog, would be wonderful. I'd love to visualize who is reading it. Thank you!

I also took this photo during a blizzard on the inside of my icy window  <3 p="">

Stress

I'm feeling a LOT of stress lately.

My hospice nurse and social worker both have mentioned that it will most likely be
harder for me to not have a primary care giver to help with SO many things and I'm
definitely feeling it and getting stressed out about it. I'm at the point where I want to throw up
my hands and say I"M DONE!!!

It seems that the scheduling that is happening on my eHope site is getting out of control

Also there are people who I REALLY want to see who don't seem to want to book any time at all. I don't want to pressure anyone......

but.....

I am dying and running out of time. I wish I could see some people and make some more memories BEFORE I become bed bound which I feel is coming in a few weeks or so. Makes me so sad that some people don't want to see me and maybe they are scared? Maybe they don't think its that crucial and they are waiting to see me WHEN i'm bed bound? I wish they wouldn't wait. Maybe they are done with the happy moments and only want to see me when i'm in bed. Is that easier on them?

I want to visit while I'm still ME, while I can still laugh and be silly and have good conversations. That is starting to change lately. My memory and finding words to express myself is getting harder.

My Buddhist Chaplain woman from Hospice says that as soon as you say "want", that a barrier goes up. It's not accepting whats happening and letting it unfold naturally. Easy to say when I am the only one to do all the nitty gritty scheduling and figuring things out.

I wish I COULD just sit on my meditation pillow and just let life swirl around me and not care so much. If I did that, then things would fall apart. My cat wouldn't get fed and my chores around my apartment wouldn't get done. And everyone would disappear.

I feel like I can't please everyone. No matter what I do, it seems to be not enough, or the wrong way.

I'm so anxious if you can't tell, LOL, and I don't want to be. I want to just tell everyone "forget it! I'm done", is that what you all want from ME?

Maybe I just need to crawl into bed and start the dying process? Then maybe people in my life would have it easier. I would shut up and be quiet and then they can start grieving my imminent death. Is that what I "should" do?

I still have a voice, I still have opinions, I still have art to create, I still have fun moments to be had if I can find certain people to spend those times with, I still have a lot more to do, soon I WILL be bed bound, but until then, I want to see people and not see other people due to being stressed out. I don't want to feel like a project  that has to be done. Nor do I want fake relationships. We can't make up for lost time and repair relationships. Thats over. That will not happen in the way that some want it to.

I'm dying.

Its really happening and I think some people out there aren't realizing this and want to just go about their business and not look at it.

That just makes me so incredibly sad. Deep Deep Sadness.

I don't want this to be it. I want to create more happy memories. Why is that so hard to understand?

Why are some people overwhelmed by whats happening with me and taking off and saying goodbye in their own way?

I take it so personally, like I'm just too much for them to handle. Like I've done something wrong. Its the FUCKING cancer that has done this. Not me. Please don't leave me. I'm scared and want people around me that want to share love and joy. Not stress and demands.

This is IT for me. No,..."I'll get to it later on this year." Not for me. This is the time. NOW.

I'm so tired and the pain is increasing every day.

I don't want to be a burden on anyone. I just want to share love and happiness. Thats all.

Why is that so hard to do?

When demands are put on me, I push back and will continue to and if i get pushed too much, then the visits will stop.

I can't have toxic energy around me. I just can't . No matter who it is. No matter what their title in my life is. Blood or not blood related.

This may sound harsh and some of you are wondering if this is about you.

I need to express myself and I try not to use names and I try to come from a me place but today, I at least need to express why i'm stressed out by still not using names.

I DO LOVE so many people in my life who are willing to wait in line and see me when they are able to.

Thats it for now......

I think I need to nap and try and calm down.

I think relationships in my life are changing or will be drastically changing soon.

I need to do whats right for my stress level and for what little time I have left here in this body.

Blessings to you all.