Radiation Daze

Anger and Listening

2011-03-18T06:51:00.000-07:00

Anger is such a taboo subject for lots of people I know.

In my little world, anger is not acceptable. I've grown up to learn that only certain people

in my family are "allowed" to be angry and express it. When I do, it is met with worry, concern, a temptation to make it go away.

Anger is a human emotion. I didn't grow up at a Buddhist temple after all, far from it.

I have had a lot of anger around me growing up and therefore it scares the hell out of me most of the time.

I am angry now. I'm frustrated and impatient. I'm angry with certain people for not even trying to understand me or get to know me. Those same people preach about subjects they know nothing about and try to preach it to me. Not helpful!

When I was going thru cancer treatment and people who have not had cancer try to give me advice and tell me to be positive etc.....that would really make me mad. People should not assume they know about something when they have not had the experience themselves. Everyone is different in how they can handle situations too. Everyones' bodies are individual. Cancer treatment affects everyone differently. Just like other things, like depression or trauma and grief.

I try to come at the irritation from a psychological view as well. Why is this person or that person judging me or others on subjects they know nothing about? Is it their insecurities rearing their heads? Is it frustration with how their lives are going so they feel the need to tell others how to live?

I am not exempt from doing this too. I've told people how to do things, but i mostly try and say it in a way that is coming from a place of what worked for ME. Lately I'm even stepping back from that and just trying to listen unless the person really asks for my help and advice. Sometimes people just want to be listened to.

Life can be so overwhelming. Lately with the situation in Japan and events all over the world....life is hard enough. When you feel like you don't even have the support of your family it can make life even harder and more challenging to deal with. Very isolating.

Yes, i'm ranting and I suppose I needed to do so. This is an especially hard time for me. Spring is coming and most people are really happy and uplifting about that fact. Did you know that April is one of the most popular months for suicide?

It is a time for growth and also for lots of change, anxiety, stress. The pressure that you are "supposed" to feel energetic and happy that Spring is here when in fact it is a very hard time emotionally. The guilt of feeling bad when others feel good can be consuming at times.

So, I guess my point of todays post is to remind people out there that sometimes people just want your time. They don't need your advice or judgments or fixing. Just listen and maybe you'll learn something about someone you didn't know before.

And .....anger is OK, as long as we don't get stuck in it.

Any comments....? if anyone is out there that is :)

November Rain

2010-11-26T08:10:00.000-08:00

I haven't blogged here in months and months....i'm sure no one is still checking for posts but i wanted to write today

I have never liked the Fall and especially November.

There is always sickness and/or death at this time of year. Very depressing.

It's the time of year when the leaves die from trees, the crops have all been harvested (most of them) and the sun has weakened in strength.

Introspection

The last year or so has brought death to two friends of mine and some other people I know of thru cancer.

Last Sunday another friend died of cancer. Jennifer Willey(blog listed on left). She was only 31 and had been dealing with the hell of treatments and such for at least 5 years.

I only met her once in person and have followed her blog for over 3 years. We were supposed to try and have lunch sometime, hang out. That never happened.

Today I'm going to her wake

A good friend of mine is also dealing with major pain and issues from cancer. I went to see her in PA with my best friend who has been friends with Lina for years and years. I have only known her for a few years now. She is a wonderful, extremely giving, thoughtful, magical, beautiful person. I hate to see her in so much pain and discomfort.

I haven't been able to cry. I'm feeling emotional but no tears come.

I wonder if the wake will release the flood gates? It may be the trigger.

I try to look at all the beauty of this time of year as well, but lately its been really challenging.

I did cook my first ever turkey yesterday. I was on my own with my cat Stewie. That way no one is disappointed if it didn't come out ok. It turned out alright. Being on my own was actually pretty nice. Mellow day.

I am thankful and grateful for all the abundances in my life, including all my family and friends.

I just wish i could appreciate the Fall better. I"m working on it.

Todays' Horoscope

2010-05-24T06:48:00.001-07:00

Libra, Monday, 24 May 2010

Daily, Yesterday, Weekly, Monthly, Year Ahead

Everyone on Planet Earth is going through deep psychological change of one kind or another now. None of us are able to hang on to the way things once were. The changes happening in your life now represent a significant opportunity. You don't have to stick with an old idea of who you are, who you must 'pretend to be' and how you must limit your expectations for the future. You're coming out of a shell and into a state of mind that is more vulnerable in one way â€" yet, in another, far more likely to bring you real power.

Kite Flying

2010-05-15T17:14:00.000-07:00

I went to a kite festival today. It was incredibly windy...almost too much for the kites. It was still a lovely day. I attached a picture of one of the kites I saw.

It got me thinking about flying.

I love to watch the birds in the morning and seeing them fly from tree to tree talking to one another.

We humans say we are more evolved than birds and other animals but I have to wonder about that. They have a system that seems to work pretty well with one another. They have predators and such but otherwise it seems they live pretty peacefully.

I think we could learn from the birds and other animals. How we treat one another and how we treat the earth and its resources.

I walked a lot today and now my legs and feet are aching. On my way back from the festival I sure would have rather flapped my arms and flew the last leg home.

I am grateful for being able to walk as much as I do. I know there are many people who aren't able to do that. There are people that are bed ridden from illness or disability. I have a friend who is still recovering from a brain aneurism and is learning how to transfer from a chair to the bed or another chair. Its a huge effort she has to make to do so.

I do realize I am lucky to have pretty decent health over all considering all my body has been through over the years.

Lately, however, I have been feeling pretty old. I know part of it is just getting old and part of it is my recovery from cancer treatment and of course the other part is that I am out of shape and could do more to take care of myself.

I do miss being able to do certain things without being in pain and having to recover from it. I carried two heavy bags with a backpack as well, yesterday, and I'm recovering from that. The bags were too heavy and my back, neck and feet are really hurting.

I'm trying to keep a positive grateful approach about it all. Some days are harder than others.

Maybe I'll dream of myself flying over the ocean tonight in my dreams.

Happy May Day!

2010-05-01T04:43:00.000-07:00

Today and this weekend some folks celebrate Beltane and/or May Day. It's when Spring is at its fullest. A time to celebrate fertility of not just becoming pregnant literally but to fertilize projects you may have been working on during the Winter months. A time to move forward with new ideas. Letting go of past hurts that you may have been working on releasing. Watch things grow and be an active participant in doing so. We have to water the plants and make sure they get enough sun.

Today is also my good friend Nancys' birthday! Happy Birthday Nanc!

I also found out some upsetting news about another friend of mine whose cancer has come back after only a year or so since her first treatment was ended.

I really try not to think about whether or not cancer will strike me again, but reality is that I think of it quite a bit. I don't believe I dwell on it, its just there. I relate it to having that fear of something....like dogs or snakes etc.... You don't dwell on it but it's there.

I get so angry when I hear the news of yet another wonderful person getting bad news. I just want to throw a fit and scream!

On a positive note....I am back online due to a generous house warming gift from my friend Dan! He sent me a new laptop! Its about 6 years old but its still newer than my old one, so its new to me! :) I am so grateful! Thank you Dan!!

I'm going to a May Pole/Beltane ritual celebration tomorrow at a local beach. We dance around the May Poles with ribbons and have our ritual then share a potluck meal. All at the beach. I hope its a nice day out.

I started yoga classes up again. Its been years. Theres this self consciousness I get when I can't do all the poses and have to take care of certain body parts. Its like I'm less-than. Which logically I know isn't sensible. Emotionally there is no real logic.

Lots of changes happening. Perfect time of year.

New births and celebrations of many kinds and also a time of bad news and people in need. Is there someone you know that would benefit from your kindness in some way?

Blessed Be!

Less Connections

2010-04-22T09:05:00.000-07:00

Happy Earth Day everyone!

It's also my step sisters' birthday, which is so perfect because she's such an earth mother goddess!

I am at the library now since my computer is sick and I can't afford to buy a monitor and certainly not a new computer right now. So, here I am with the 20 or so other people typing away on a public computer that is ergonomically incorrect and my wrists and back are already yelling at me...but who's complaining? :)

It is a newly renovated library that's really nice to hang out in. Nice and bright. Not the dark quiet libraries of the past. It's very inviting.

I have had an almost phobia towards libraries. Recently I've thought about that and pondered why that is. My friend Nancy said she remembers being brought to the library as a child and having a regular visit and introduction with her class. I don't remember that. I don't believe I was ever taught how to use the library. If I was then it didn't stick.

I get overwhelming anxiety going to the library. All the rows and rows of books with the dewey decimal system to figure out.

Some people love hanging out at the library for hours on end or going to an overcrowded bookstore and peruse. Not me. It is anxiety making.

I'm learning to like it here and someday I hope I can love it here. For now i'm using the computer and taking out a fiction book or two, maybe a dvd. I leave as soon as possible.

I'll keep coming back and giving it a try and hopefully I'll stay here for hours and enjoy myself.

Did you know they have magazines to read here? A whole wall of them, all the latest ones I can't afford to subscribe to.

Health update........I saw my oncologist a week ago and all is clear cancer wise. yay!....I had a bone density scan recently and unfortunately my low back osteoporosis has gotten worse. Its always been tricky. I have lordosis (curvature) and arthritis, now my osteoporosis is worsening.....not good...felt very old getting that news.

I started yoga again, i got the ok from my breast surgeon to do so. I will see a specialist as well, in July. So, i'm still plugging along....

tip toeing thru the spring tulips

Death and Rebirth

2010-03-16T14:54:00.000-07:00

This time of year is about the rebirth of plants, animals and the sun being higher in the sky for a longer period of time. It's also a letting go time. Letting go of past regrets and starting fresh, a time of putting into action what has been "hibernating" all winter. Ideas and plans put into place and starting to move forward.

I'm noticing so many changes lately. I recently moved into a new apartment. In doing so I've purged a lot of material things that I don't use anymore and have no use for now. It feels really good to let go of things.

There is also some death. My friend Linda as I mentioned in my last post and now my friend Eve. She passed away on February 25th in NYC. I got to see her in Maine before she left for the city. I held back tears when I saw her. She had lost so much weight and was in pain. She was able to walk around and be active. For Eve, however, it was a huge set back.

I had wanted to go to NYC and see her before she died but wasn't able to and her husband politely encouraged me not to. It just wore Eve out too much to have visitors and it just didn't make sense to push her.

This past Sunday there was a memorial gathering at her home in Maine for all the Maine friends and family to pay their respects. The house was overflowing with I'd say about 100 people going in and out. Eve touched so many lives for so many years.

She was a big sister and was very active with play writing and acting and so much I don't even know about.

What I do know is how much of an impact Eve had on my life. She listened without judgment and asked questions that drew out emotions and personal details of my life. It always made me feel better to talk with Eve. We laughed a lot too. We were able to joke about our cancer experiences and side effects. I think Eve felt she could complain about her discomfort to me and it was o.k. I wasn't going to try and fix it or tell her to just be positive. Sometimes you just need to complain to someone who gets it.

I would get these thoughtful and joyful cards hand written to me from Eve. I felt guilty for not writing back as much as I wanted to. I looked forward to her cards and even received one a couple of days before she died. I could tell she was struggling but she kept busy till the end.

We played Bingo at the Cancer Community Center and made May baskets and crafty things that Eve doesnt usually like to do but humored me. We just wanted to hang out and so we did silly things together. I'll never forget it.

Eve was a fireball of energy but she also could just be quiet and listen.

I will miss her and love her so much and can't believe I won't see her again in this lifetime. Not getting her emails or letters or meeting for lunch. I wish I had had more time to get to know Eve.

Its a time to let go of people and things and regrets...look forward, but never forget the good times or the wonderful people who affect and transform our lives.

Remembering......

2010-02-07T04:52:00.001-08:00

I woke up this morning remembering a friend who I recently found out has passed.

Her name was Linda and she was an amazing woman. Her husband called me a few days ago. I think he must have gotten a message from Lindas' coworkers that I had emailed her wondering how she was doing. It had been since November that I had seen or heard from her. We would go months without contact then we'd have lunch and it was like no time had passed between us.

Linda passed about a month after we had had lunch. I had no idea. Lindas' husband said that her service was overflowing with over 400 people. I wish I could have gone and I really wish I had been able to say goodbye to her and let her know how much she meant to me.

I first met Linda when I was newly diagnosed with breast cancer. I was struggling with the decision as to whether or not to get genetic testing. A woman from the Cancer Community Center had connected us. Linda had first been diagnosed with the same exact cancer as I had and had been cancer free for 15-20 years? From our first conversation we hit it off. She was extremely supportive and inspirational. Her cancer came back in her bones and she went a few years keeping "it" at bay but the damn C took over.

We had lunch many times. Sometimes we would just sit in her car by the ocean and talk. One time we talked for over 2 hours. I felt like she really got what I was going through. She listened and didn't judge or try to fix it. We laughed about silly things and I felt so comfortable with her.

She affected so many peoples' lives.

There is a brochure that comes out every year at the Cancer Community Center and every year they have different peoples' pictures in it. People who are or were dealing with the big C. I was asked if I could be one of those people. I later found out I was on the cover! Linda laughed and said we were "cover girls" because the year before she was on the cover too. Linda took me to the program at the center that gives you free makeup and teaches you how to draw on eyebrows and put on makeup so you don't look overly made up. Its a great program called Look Good, Feel Better. She had already been to it years before but she took me anyway. It really meant a lot to me. We laughed as we put on our makeup and tried to not look like clowns.

I'm going to really miss Linda so much.

I have another friend who isn't doing so well right now. She is in a lot of pain and has lost a lot of weight. I hate to see her suffering. She has been and is still a huge support for me. A great friend. I wish I could do something to help.

I have another friend who had a major brain aneurysm and is in rehab. She is only 42 years old but she is a fighter. She is making huge strides. I went to visit her the other day and brought her a tulip.

Sometimes the pain of others is so overwhelming. I am really trying to look at the beautiful things in the world and appreciate what I have. Be grateful. Today however....I'm sad and I'm finding it hard to not feel the pain and grief.

I'm moving at the end of the month and I'm mostly excited about it. There are so many details to figure out and worries to overcome.

I suppose I'm just feeling overwhelmed this morning.

It will pass I'm sure.

I just wanted to express my feelings about my sadness this morning.

I AM very lucky in many many ways....I'm also very sad today.

Winter in Maine

2010-01-23T03:29:00.000-08:00

January is a challenging month in Maine.

Winter is definitely upon us. If its not snowing its frigid cold temperatures.

The light is starting to come back but not fast enough for me. Combine all those things and more and it becomes tough.

Then lets add in the devastating situation in Haiti. I am trying not to watch the news too much. It is overwhelming. I tend to soak it all in and become a bit paralyzed with sadness and grief. I wish I was in a position to go help out somehow. I don't have any money to give and don't have the physical strength to do much. It's that helpless feeling.

It seems like most people I know are going through something....sickness, death, money problems....it goes on.

I'm going to have to move from my apartment soon. My living situation isn't good. I have a neighbor who is being very difficult and disrespectful to the point where I've had enough. I'm working on my 4th year here and have had to deal with her. For the most part I've been able to be friendly with her and tolerate her paranoia and hostility, but now she's directing it towards me. It's not a healthy environment for me in every way possible.

I am not sure how i'm going to afford to move or whether my landlord will let me out of my lease early etc....I've got to do something. The energy of my place isn't good anyway, and I need more light and space. Change could be good. Its just not the best time to be moving. Winter in Maine.

I'm also starting a writing class soon. It's more of a therapy-type-group. I have to pay a deductible towards it and do some volunteer work for the rest that my insurance won't cover. I'm sure I'll look back at this time and realize it was a good thing but right now I'm in the midst of the chaos and it feels very unhealthy.

I know there is so much I should be grateful for but it's hard to see that at the moment. I'm really trying to look at the positive.

Maybe I need to start playing the lottery?

Most days lately I wake up and wonder what the point is of my life. Why do things like Haiti and Sudan and so on and so forth, happen? Wrapping my head around it all is too much at times.

Deep breath......

My Horoscope today....

2009-12-26T04:56:00.000-08:00

Let's get the worst-case scenario out into the open. You keep looking at some gloomy picture of how things could all go wrong, but you're not exploring this fully enough. You only get half way down the dark road and then, seeing something you feel you can't face, you scamper back to the safety of a tender hope. Finish that mental journey. Look the imaginary monster in the eye then force yourself to envisage going right on past it. A pleasing destination awaits you. Regardless of what happens, you have nothing to fear - but the worst is not going to happen. In fact, this week is due to be pleasing and liberating. (from Jon Cainer--astrologer in England)

More a bit later........

Bah Humbug!

2009-12-10T04:44:00.000-08:00

I can't believe it's been so long since I've posted here.

I am doing my best to try and get into the holiday spirit and not having too much luck.

I really don't like the holidays too much. Growing up it was always stressful and not much has changed. I never have enough money to buy presents for people, no matter how crafty or economic I try to be. I love being able to buy gifts for the people I care for but when it feels "forced" then it gets all crazy.

I've never been a real crafty-type person. I've learned some skills over the years but never felt like I was that good at it and it didn't give me much joy. I told myself that "This year I'm going to make things for people!". Hasn't happened and its two weeks till Christmas.

It's not going to happen.

There have been some illnesses and death lately. That doesnt help either. November seems to always bring bad news.

My Osteopath that I see said that about 80 percent of her clients lately are not in the spirit either and she wished that we could have an alternate world where the people who didn't like the holidays could go and the people who DO like the holidays can go to another world. Sounds good to me.

I DO like some things about the holidays. Some of the Christmas movies are sweet and nostalgic. The good foods that are made at parties are fun. Some of the music is sweet. I especially love A Childs Christmas in Wales.

The overall emotion at this time of year is heavy and sad.

The commercials on t.v. remind me of things I don't have in my life. That special someone to share memories with. The inability to buy the gifts I want to buy for people. So on and so forth. It's all just so depressing and I look forward to December 26th. New Years Eve doesnt seem to bother me too much. Sure it would be nice to have someone to kiss at the stroke of Midnight but I am mostly o.k. with that. It passes pretty quick.

I know this post is un-festive and depressing.....but I figure I'm not alone. There are many people that are lonely this time of year.

I guess I'm one of them.

FALL ALREADY?

2009-10-17T03:49:00.000-07:00

So, it's Fall now....feels like Winter with the unusually low temps. Supposed to get back up to normal next week. I'm just not ready. Short Summer, short Fall....I want to fall to the ground and throw a huge tantrum about it!

I am now 40 years old. My mom said that now she can't say she has any children in their 30's anymore. My brother is 6 years older. She does have step children in their 30's.

I have mixed feelings about being 40. Mostly I feel it's just a number and I'm glad I am not in my 20's anymore. The 30's were pretty rough, so mostly I'm looking forward to the 40's. However.....looking at where I'm at in my life it can also be depressing at times.

I spoke with one woman about it the other day and she said that when she hit 40 she thought to herself that finally she can just settle in and relax. She had her marriage and children plus career and now could feel she's entitled to not strive for something more. Just be.

For me? Well, I'm still striving for something and someone.

Not married, no children, no boyfriend. No career. hmmm....a bit depressing huh?

I know that just because one is married with children doesn't mean all is blissfully right in their world. I recognize that some marriages are very challenging and exhausting and some career choices aren't all wonderful too.

The grass is always greener right?

I would just like to look back at my life and be o.k. with what I've accomplished. Ummmm, not so much.

I'm still here and still searching. Maybe my 40's will be full of happy surprises?

Fingers crossed.

Been A Long Time

2009-10-01T02:20:00.000-07:00

I have that Led Zeppelin song in my head now...

So, I don't know if anyone is even checking my blog anymore but thought I'd write anyway.

There has been a lot going on but for some reason I haven't felt inspired to talk about it.

There has been camping at music festivals, visiting with friends and family and mostly just trying to stay afloat.

Major computer issues that have mostly been fixed, put me into a panic state for a while.

How can one feel pretty good one minute then something seemingly insignificant happens and all hell breaks loose?

I know of a couple of people who are having a really rough time in treatment. It's hard to witness and not be able to fix or help in some way. All I can offer is an ear.

When I was in treatment that was mostly what helped me the most. Someone to just listen. Not fix or judge, just listen.

I met a new survivor the other day. She's young. I'm guessing in her 20's. I gave her my email. She expressed that her "buddy" isn't really compatible with her. I'm really hoping she contacts me and I can be of some help. She had just had her first chemo and her energy and expression reminded me of ME when I was in the beginning of the cancer journey. Its a bit like a deer in headlights. You go through the motions and sometimes it feels like sleep walking through a nightmare.

I would love to be more social but it's hard when I feel I don't have much positive to say and not much to tell people of what I've been up to. So, why put myself in that uncomfortable situation?

I'm working on my inner self now and that's not always acceptable in our society. Its a lot of "what do you do?'s" and "what have you been up to?"'s.

Since I'm not currently in treatment I think its' hard for some people to understand why i'm not working now.

One woman whom I haven't seen in months and months, who also went through cancer treatment said to me..."I wish I didn't have to work". (strong emphasis on the I), A bit sarcastic and judgmental. I wish I could explain to her that it's not a walk in the park. I am not just sitting around and doing nothing. Not having fun or living it up. No.

I had an interesting experience with a baby Ram the other day. I used my massage therapy skills and gave him a neck and face massage while visiting him at this farm I camped out at. He was so blissed out he almost fell over. His eyes closed to slits, head falling to one side, smile on his face. What a great experience to have. So sweet. I wish he lived closer so I could visit him again soon. Animal therapy can be so powerful. Animals are so responsive and open to love.

Just put one foot in front of the other......

Four Leaf Clovers

2009-08-05T11:21:00.000-07:00

I was waiting for the bus today in the shade of a tree, it's very hot out today...and I noticed a huge patch of clovers.

Do you remember looking for four leaf clovers when you were young? Or maybe you still do? I started looking for them but lost patience and my bus arrived. There are hundreds of clovers in those bunches they grow in. When I was younger I would spend a good deal of time trying to find one. I was very determined.

I never did find one. I saw someones' once and was very jealous.

It reminds me of lucky charms. I also had a rabbits foot when I was a wee child. It was one of those that was on a key chain and was dyed some horrible color like electric blue or pink. Maybe the dye was to make it fun looking and take away the reality that you are holding a poor rabbits limb? Who knows. Who started that idea anyway?

Did someone one day say... "Hey, I bet if you cut off a rabbits foot and carry it around with you, you'll have good luck!" Hmmmmm....

What other so called lucky charms are out there I wonder?

There's the horse shoe over the doorway, Bridgets Cross over a doorway as well, and many others.

I could really use some luck right now, so I'm keeping my eyes open for that four leaf clover.

Hospice

2009-08-01T15:54:00.000-07:00

I want to volunteer for Hospice. There is a Hospice Home about 20 minutes from me. I saw it when I was there for a meeting with the Cancer Buddys from the Cancer Community Center not long ago. The Home is almost 2 years old, very nice.

I got some volunteer information, such as there is a 40 hour training program required before you can start. I also got the volunteer coordinators' name and number.

I have been witness to two deaths. My good friends' mom from England, died while I was giving Reiki to her. It was a powerful experience for me. The other passing was from another of my good friends' mom. I arrived at about an hour after she passed.

Some people can look at Hospice Care as being too depressing but I see it differently.

Why is it that a birth of someone is more celebrated than a death? Other cultures celebrate a persons' life instead of being all sad and hidden. Look at New Orleans. People will parade down a street and play instruments. I'd love to have that kind of funeral procession.

Unfortunately the volunteer coordinator left a message saying the next training is full. That's in September. The next training session isn't until next Spring.

I will try to get on a waiting list. I suppose it's a really good thing that there are lots of people wanting to be involved with Hospice Care. At least there aren't a lack of volunteers

What Would You Do?

2009-07-20T11:04:00.000-07:00

I was in a pretty good mood the other day. It was finally sunny out and I decided to go for a walk downtown.

I was listening to some music on my iPod, soaking up the sun.

I see a bird on the sidewalk. It looks like it's a young seagull. Still has its fuzzy head with brown and white speckles of feathers. It was balancing on one leg and had one wing hanging close to the ground. It was injured.

What do I do now? I can't just walk on by and pretend I didn't see an injured animal in need of help. I watched the bird for a while, hopping along on one foot, chirping with its young voice.

I called 411 and got the number for an animal shelter. They gave me the police department which deals with animal control issues. The police man I spoke with was not very friendly or helpful. He asked what kind of bird it was and then I could tell that I was just wasting his time. He said the animal control person was dealing with a dog and didn't know when they would be back. I asked if there were any bird rescue places I could call and his reply was "Not for seagulls".

I was standing in the hot humid sun, watching this bird, trying to decide what next to do.

When I got close to the bird I would hear the adult seagulls yelling at me from above. There were probably a dozen seagulls on the roof of the building I was next to. They were looking down at me and the injured bird. I guessed that the bird must have fallen out of his nest and injured itself, or maybe he thought he was ready to fly and couldn't manage it?

I then thought I'd try and get some food or crackers or something for it. The only thing open nearby was a book store that specialized in cookbooks and books about food but no food for sale. The owner was very nice. He said he'd seen the bird the day before and went to give him some water. When he put the water dish down the other birds from above came swooping down on him. I asked if he had a box that I could try and put the bird in, at least keep him from walking on the injured leg too much. If the animal control people did show up they could use the box to carry it in. The bookstore owner taped up the sides of the box and also gave me some water in a plastic container.

When I approached the bird it got really freaked out. It started to hobble away as fast as it could and then the birds above me were yelling up a storm.

I knew the box idea was not a good one. I didn't want to upset the bird and possibly cause more injury to it. I also didn't feel like getting attacked by seagulls.

It pained me to do it, but I walked away. I told the man at the bookstore that I couldn't help the bird and he said he'd let the animal control person know (if they showed) where it was.

I finished my walk and went home.

If the bird had been a hawk or eagle or a bird near extinction, there would be some place that could help the bird, but because it was a seagull, no one cared.

Why is it that certain species get all the attention and others don't?

I watched people walk by the bird, looking down at it, maybe pausing for a second, visibly upset by the pitiful scene, then kept walking.

If it had been a cat or dog limping around, people would have acted sooner, i'm sure of it.

Who am I to judge when I couldn't follow through with helping the bird? Maybe it was the birds' journey to go through that fall? Who knows for sure.

When most people see pigeons, seagulls, small birds, or squirrels injured, they think nothing of it.

I lived down south for a bit and I remember being so disturbed by how much "road kill" there was there. It was very common to see several possums, skunks, or animals from the rodent family killed on the road daily.

I suppose if you are used to seeing something every day, it becomes common place.

I still get upset when I see animals dead on the road. No matter what species it is.

All life matters.....well, maybe not mosquitoes......ok....even mosquitoes I suppose.

This experience just got me thinking about how we as humans put a kind of value on certain species. Like that police officer said.... "Not for seagulls".

I went by the same place the next day and there was no sign of the injured bird. I really hope the animal control officer DID come by and maybe it's getting the help it needs. Or maybe.....I don't want to think about the other option. I choose to think it's getting help.

...more on MJ

2009-06-30T05:46:00.000-07:00

I didn't expect to be thinking so much about MJ's passing but I have.

I was speaking with my friend this morning and we tried to remember the last time a universally known celebrity died. When was the last time the world mourned for someone?

When Diana died there was huge response. If you think about the last big musical celebrity that died I'd have to go back to John Lennon and then Elvis. Sure there was Kurt Cobain but his life ended way too soon. He wasn't known all over the world like MJ was. My friend said "Its' like our generations' Elvis".

I mentioned in my previous post the obvious music and video explosion that MJ had influenced but what about his dance moves and fashion?

There's the moonwalk and the pelvis gyrations. ( I could have done without those personally) MJ was influenced by Elvis and James Brown for sure, but he also had his own moves.

Then theres the one sparkly glove and mirrored sunglasses that turned to just dark sunglasses. The red leather jacket with studs on it. Even his hairstyle was copied.

MJ had so much influence, more than I imagined.

I'm finding myself listening to his songs. I downloaded 6 songs that I like. One of my favorite is "Dirty Diana". Sure the Jackson Five was amazing and talented and had some great hits, but they weren't from my generation. I don't relate to those songs. I can listen to the Thriller album or the Bad album and remember the 80's. The videos and styles.

I wonder about his kids. What are they like? Will they reveal years from now who MJ really was? What was he like as a father? Curious.

I also wonder if Michael Jackson is looking at all the outpouring of love and smiling his child like grin.

Reflection

2009-06-28T07:16:00.000-07:00

So, another huge music celebrity has passed. Michael Jackson was quite the interesting person from what I've seen and heard of him. I loved his Thriller album when it first came out. I really really loved the videos. I was of the age to appreciate the new t.v. show called MTV and with MJ's videos it made it that much cooler. I think my favorite is "BAD" when they are dancing in the subway station. I couldn't help but be hypnotized by him. My eyes wouldn't move off of him at all. There was something about him that you just couldn't ignore, no matter how hard you tried.

As a person, well....I'm sure there are so many judgments about him. We as outsiders really didn't know much. We only got what the media told us. I wanted to assume that he had molested those boys and was mistreating his kids but do I really know that? No. He had some very strange behavior, but what if he was just a big kid in an adults body? If a child did the things he did, people may have forgiven him easier. What if the alleged abuse from his father really distorted him and he was just doing the best he could? We'll probably never know what was really going on in his mind.

So, what I wanted to do was to appreciate Michael Jackson for his music and the major contributions he gave to the music industry and video industry.

There is also the passing of Farrah Fawcett. She was a fellow cancer survivor and what the survivor she was! From what I've heard about her video documentation of her journey, she didn't give up for anything.

There are many people dying every day. When someone famous dies it causes people to stop and reflect.

RIP MJ and FF!

Reading Minds

2009-06-14T06:42:00.000-07:00

I was thinking about how it would be so amazing to have a device that could read minds. This one would be different than being a telepathic reader. This device would be hooked up to your head, and when you are thinking, the device would transcribe the words onto a screen. You could see all that you were thinking. I bet there would be some scary results, especially from my brain.

What if you could hook up the device at night when sleeping and the images would be put onto a DVD, all your dreams would be recorded like a movie that you could watch the next day. I'd love to see my dreams and maybe analyze them from a Jungian point of view. Some would be scary for sure but wow, wouldn't that be incredible?

I've always been intrigued by what the mind can do. Experts say we only use a small part of our brain. Most people anyway. Why is that? Why haven't we been able to open up the other parts of our brain and explore the other possibilities?

What about hypnosis? How does that work? How can you tap into the past part of the brain and retrieve information that doesn't seem to want to be consciously known?

What if there is a future part of our brain that everyone has the ability to tap into and we just don't have the ability to do so? Similar to Mediums who can see the future or know things that others can't.

I've been wanting to write again. I would like to try to put my crazy thoughts into some kind of comprehensible order.

Maybe I'll take a hypnosis training course?

My mind could be opened up to all kinds of possibilities.

Sounds

2009-05-18T15:43:00.000-07:00

Side effects, what a joy!

I've been experiencing some side effects and I at first thought maybe it was due to lack of sleep but i'm thinking now it could be medication related.

My left eyelid has been twitching. It's not unusual to have an eye twitch off and on especially if a person is stressed out or over tired. This eye twitching isn't going away. Its not 24 hours a day but its every day. It can be quite annoying when you want to read a book or do Sudoku as i've been doing lately. It's almost like when you hear a sound that continues on and on. A bit crazy making.

I have also been dealing with some shoulder pain that doesnt seem to want to go away either.

I try not to go immediately to "the cancers' back!" place, but it's a challenge.

I saw this interesting movie the other day called "Seagulls Laughter". Its a foreign film. Icelandic language with English subtitles. Have you ever heard Icelandic? What an interesting sounding language. The tones used along with the expressions was so interesting to me. I've seen probably 10o's of foreign films in my lifetime and so i'm used to many different languages but i'm not sure i've seen an Icelandic one. I highly recommend it. If anything, just to listen.

I'm finding sounds to be a focus for me for some reason, lately.

I'm noticing sounds all around me. Its funny because I have a hearing loss in my left ear, so you'd think I wouldn't notice sounds as much.

I went to the local beach near me on Friday. I closed my eyes and just listened to all the sounds around me. Kids playing in the water. Dogs splashing after sticks. People rollerblading or riding their bikes. Many types of birds. Cars parking. Tug boats transporting cars to the local islands.

The most calming sound is of the ocean waves. So cliche' but i've always loved it. Even as a child I would go to the ocean when I was upset about something. Usually teenage angst over a boy. I would always feel so much better on my walk home.

I picked some dandelions and put them in a vase. They are considered weeds and dont last but a day or so, but they are still pretty. Their bright yellow is welcoming to the eyes after a dark winter.

So, side effects or not, things are pretty well for me right now. Its spring and there are so many sounds to help distract when the physical pains are annoying.

Sunrise Memories

2009-05-08T03:24:00.000-07:00

I haven't been sleeping all too well lately.

This morning I was up at around 5:30am. I watched the sun rise with all its fiery colors. A memory came to me of when I used to work for a baking company. I had to be there very very early. I would walk to work every morning when the streets were quiet. I loved that walk. It was a great way to start my day. I would protest getting up so early but in the end I loved it. Walking into the bakery and greeting the sleepy bakers who have been there for a few hours by that time. The smells of freshly baked bread and pastries filled my nostrils. I would start the coffee pots and organize my post as customer service person.

I have memories of enjoying a warm just out of the oven brioche roll or a scone. Once in a while, and I mean once in a while...I would enjoy a sticky bun, called Morning Buns. They were deadly but tasty.

I would be out of work by 2 or 3pm and have all the time in the world to enjoy the day. When it was summer time it really made a difference. I felt I still had a good portion of the day left.

All of this came to me this morning by looking at the sunrise.

I posted a picture from a May Pole celebration, Beltane ritual, on a popular beach in Maine, this past Sunday. It was cold but still a pretty good time.

I've been having a rough week emotionally. Maybe it's the time of year? Spring time brings up all my insecurities. Not having a partner, not having children.....Spring and Beltane is about fertility and creation. Love and Joy.

The Beltane ritual highlighted my losses and what i'm lacking in my life. There were lots of children and families there. Lovely to see the kids dancing and making sand castles.

I AM happy for all my friends and family who have their own little family and relationships, I really am. It just feels like someone turned on a spotlight thats blinding me and forcing my loneliness out to the surface.

Summer is on the way....I think of Summer as a time for single people.

Can someone just turn down the lights a little?

Goodbye Ruby

2009-04-21T15:49:00.000-07:00

I got some very sad news today that my favorite dog in the world had to be put to sleep today. She was not in good shape due to an ear virus of some sort and it was the humane thing to do. She was getting up there in age and i'm sure it was harder for her to fight off the virus that was attacking her. Now she is in peace.

Her name was Ruby and I first met her when I lived in NYC when my brother adopted her. We had many wonderful walks together and a moment of fear that was an experience I feel bonded us in some way. We witnessed a man abusing a small dog and both of us were screaming at him till he ran into his apartment. Ruby didn't bark much at all so when she freaked out like that I knew it was serious. I just wish I could have rescued the small dog.

Ruby was then adopted by my wonderful step brother and his wife. They have loved Ruby for many many years. Every time I would see Ruby, even if it was many months since i'd seen her, she would make this whining noise of excitement, she did this with a few people. I was honored that she even remembered me after long periods of not seeing her. Everyone that met Ruby fell in love with her immediately. She had such a gentle soul and an enormous heart.

I'll miss you Ruby!

Happy Ostara!

2009-03-21T08:27:00.000-07:00

Yesterday was the first day of the Spring Equinox! yea! I am SO ready for spring its not funny!

Ostara is another name for the Spring Equinox, Equinox meaning same amount of day to night. With the time change the days are longer and its very much obvious.

I read my last post and realized I didn't post my mammogram results. They came out fine! I don't have to get another mammogram for a year now! I've been waiting for the day to come when I can wait longer and longer to get tests. I still have to see my Oncologist every 2 months or so, but we just have a quick check in and sometimes he draws blood, but no scans! whoo hoo!

I've been feeling pretty well over all. Some fatigue and anxiety, but otherwise my health is pretty good. (knock on wood)

Tonight i'm going to an Ostara ritual/party with my bestest friend Nancy. There will be a big bonfire, which I look forward to the most.

The hosts of the party just adopted two kittens! I can't wait to meet them and hopefully have some play time. Theres nothing like kittens to make you laugh and entertain you.

I just took out two chocolate pies that I made to bring to the party, its my moms' recipe that i love!

I hope where ever you all are, you are enjoying Spring as it makes its way here!

Timing

2009-03-02T05:25:00.000-08:00

As I write this there is a big snow storm out my window, what we call up here in the North East, a Nor-easter. I am grateful for the power that is still on and especially the heat coming through the vents. My cat Stewie and I are toasty warm.

Lately I've felt like the big C is all around me. I've met with two friends who are both dealing with their tumor numbers going up, meaning things aren't so great right now. Changes have to be made with their treatment.

I also got the very sad news that a cancer warrior died last Sunday. She was quite the cancer survivor. She had a rare type of sarcoma cancer that she had for over 16 years! If you had any questions about sarcomas and most questions about treatment or cancer related questions, she was the woman to go to. Kathy, I hope you are on the other side free of pain and in peace. I'm sure you are helping so many people right now in your own way. I send out my condolences to Kathys' family who have to put the pieces of grief together and try to make sense of it all.

I went to the Cancer Community Center on Saturday for Buddy Training. I am officially now a Cancer Buddy! I had a Buddy when I went through my treatments and it was very helpful. I am so grateful for Becky! I hope I can help someone who may just need an ear to listen or a few kind words of encouragement.

A wonderful woman whom i've got to know through my dear friend Nancy, just got diagnosed with breast cancer recently. She is in her 40's and lives alone. It brought back so much for me, to that day of when I was so overwhelmed with having to make many life changing decisions. I hope I can be of some help to her as well.

Timing is interesting. I go months without any real bad news on the cancer front, then BAM!, there is a whole lot going on.

I am also having a mammogram tomorrow and seeing my Oncologist and breast surgeon. I'm not too worried about the results but of course I'm not at total ease either. There's always the chance that they will find something. I have to believe that the timing of whats going on around me is a sign that I am here to help and not going to be on the other side again.

I want to give back. Its time to focus on helping and not receiving as much.

So, I'm going to make myself a cup of tea and look out at the storm brewing all around me. Knowing I am safe and sound and I am lucky!

Acceptance

2009-02-19T07:19:00.000-08:00

Sorry for the delay in writing.

I'm not feeling inspired to write too much at the moment.

Lately I've been trying to find acceptance with my situation and where I'm at.

That's been challenging.

I met with a good friend yesterday for lunch, she is also a cancer survivor.

One thing we discussed is how other survivors have mentioned how things will never ever go back to where they were before the big C. Its something that changes you in some way that can't be explained.

Maybe it's the facing of death so possibly near?

Maybe it's the poison flooded through veins that changes you?

Who really knows for sure

I've been dealing with frustration of wanting things to go back to the way they were years ago, when I could work several jobs and go out late at night.

Lately I've been dealing with major fatigue and am usually in bed by 10pm.

Tomorrow night I'm going bowling with a friend. Theres a lot of people meeting at the alley who are survivors. The Cancer Community Center is hosting the event for the young survivors ages 18-45 or so. The problem for me is that is starts at 10pm, thats right...starts at 10pm!

I just hope I can make it. I really want to go and have been looking forward to a possible bowling night with the group.

I'm sure my friend who is coming up from NH will keep me awake and we'll get there no problem.

It's just frustrating when I have to think and wonder about this.

I want my energy back, I want a piece of me that I feel I've lost with cancer, I want it back damnit!

I know I have lots to be grateful for, and I do try to remember that. I'm human and have frustrations and challenges too.

Right now it is taking all the energy I have to get out of bed each day and face each small challenge that comes my way.

I know I'll get through it all.

Faith is hard to see at the moment.

2 Years

2009-02-01T04:56:00.000-08:00

Hello Cyber Folks

January 26th marked 2 years since I heard those dreaded words "You have cancer".

On the one year anniversary I got a wonderful tattoo from my old friend Erick who co-owns a great tattoo shop in Cambridge, MA called Redemption Tattoo, I highly recommend getting inked there.

This year I didn't even remember the day.

To be honest, there isn't a day that goes by that I don't think of cancer in some way, so missing the actual day I was diagnosed doesn't seem all that big of a deal.

It seems like many many years since I was in treatment for the beast, but its only been 2 years.

I have learned quite a bit about myself and way too much about cancer, more than I really wanted to know.

Lately, I've been struggling with the other "beast" called depression. This time of year is very challenging. I don't get out much due to the weather and icy sidewalks, not much power walking had. Cancer has taken a back seat and that's o.k. with me.

I'd just like depression to take a seat in the nose bleed section for a while, but for now its staring at me from the front row.

The last week or so i've been waking up and saying "i'm still here, i guess theres a reason for that".

I'm working on trying to be grateful for all that I have, but some days it's extremely challenging.

I'm still here, I dont know why, but I am.

Maybe I don't need to figure it all out right now?

What Would You Do?

2009-01-23T05:32:00.000-08:00

Recently there has been discussions of whether or not President Obama needs to charge the Bush Administration with crimes committed while in office.

I have a point of view that people may or may not agree with and that's o.k., but I felt I wanted to share my opinion today with you.

Imagine there is a huge room with four corners in it. Each corner has a small helpless baby crying. One baby is called Environment, One baby is called Economy, One baby is called Health Care System, and the last baby is called Education. There are also lots of other babies crawling around the room and not very happy. Each of the four babies in the corners are neglected and have been upset for a long time. Each one needs attention. The cause of their neglect and upset is a toddler that reeked havoc. He is responsible for upsetting the babies and causing so much trouble. The toddler is now out of the room and can't do any more harm.

My belief is that the toddler needs to be punished or taught that what he did was not ok, and action needs to be taken. However, the babies are screaming their lungs out and in need of immediate attention. Do we focus on punishing the toddler and use much needed resources to do so? Or, do we look at the pressing needs in this moment?

I believe we need to take care of what is most important right now. The toddler is not going to go unpunished, but it doesnt have to be today. He can't do anymore harm.

Let us focus on repairing the damage done right now and deal with the unruly toddlers tomorrow.

Thats my opinion.

President Obama!

2009-01-20T05:35:00.000-08:00

I just LOVE typing that title!

Today is a day of hope, change, history making ....and about time!

History has finally come around full circle.

Slaves had built the White House and now a black man is going to be the leader living in the White House! It's such a wonderful thing!

More than just being a black man, Obama seems to be a man who is many things. I could list them all but unless you've been living in a cave, you know what he's about. We don't really know Obama, not like his family does, but we do know how he speaks in public, the messages he has conveyed to us all. We see him with his wife and children, we see his human side. I don't see any hostility or inflated ego as with G.W. Bush.

I can finally be proud to be an American and that feels amazing!

Thank you Barack H. Obama!

Jet Lag

2009-01-11T04:15:00.000-08:00

Hi Everyone, i'm back in the States again....

As the title suggests, i'm experiencing some jet lag.

"Jet lag, also jetlag or jet-lag, is a physiological condition which is a consequence of alterations to circadian rhythms; it is classified as one of the circadian rhythm sleep disorders. Jet lag results from rapid transmeridian travel, as on a jet plane.

The condition of jet lag may last many days, and a recovery rate of "one day per time zone" is often mentioned as a fair guideline."

Last time I traveled to the UK, it took me about a week to feel like I was back in my body again.

I'm hoping it will be less time this go round.

I tend to get a bit whiny and depressed until I am myself again, so i'll try not to complain too much.

My trip was wonderful and filled with lots of interesting adventures.

Mostly visiting with my friends' family. If I had to pick one moment of fun i'd have to say Games' Night. The English love to play games and I made sure that I was included in some game playing.

My favorite one to play is a game called Articulate. Its similar to some American games where you have to describe to your partner the subject given to you depending on what category you land on. The Person category was not my favorite due to having mostly British people to guess or explain.

One night we got to go to London for a surprise event that my friend Dan had arranged as everyones' Christmas present. We had a lovely meal that we had cooked hours before, including Lamb shoulders with many roasted veggies, then some champagne followed by a stretch limo bringing us to London. There were 11 of us. The surprise event was a show involving a stand up comedian named Bill Bailey. He is well known in the UK. Very funny chap.

Apparently John Cleese was in attendance as well, though I never set eyes on him. When Bill Bailey mentioned Obama I couldnt help myself from shouting out. He heard me and made some comments on my lack of volume. He heckled me back. Very funny.

One special moment was when I was included in the scattering of Dans' mums' ashes around a beautiful tree in one of my favorite parks, called Bushey Park. It was a cold morning. Seven of us walked to the tree that Dans' step dad and Dans' mum used to sit under to gaze at the river and wildlife. I was extremely honored to be there and be a part of this ritual. Emotions took over more than I had imagined they would. It was a last minute change of plans. I believe things work out the way they are supposed to. The people that ended up scattering Annies' ashes were the exact people who were present at her passing.

We went for breakfast afterwards at a cafe Annie liked to go to. I got to have my Full English Breakfast which is basically a heart attack waiting to happen. Boy is it good though. There is one fried egg, ham, sausage, beans, mushrooms, grilled tomato, and toast, yum yum!

I drank so much tea on my trip over but what I loved to have was a Shandy. I like the Bitter Shandys the best. I only had 3 on my whole trip. Its basically beer with a lemonade mixture. Its not like our lemonade. Its a syrupy lemon/lime concoction added to beer. That may sound gross but its actually really refreshing.

I will write more about my trip soon.....part two to come.....back to napping and getting grounded in my body....

cheers all!

Happy New Year 2009!

2008-12-28T05:51:00.000-08:00

I leave for London today. I woke up at 4:45am and realized I hadn't checked in online last night.

So, I got a not so good seat. Could have been worse. If anyone does any kind of traveling, especially over 5 hours, you'll understand that whatever you can do to make the flight more relaxing the better.

Getting an aisle seat is important to me. I have to wear my compression sleeve and glove, which I hate, and so I also need to get up quite frequently to stretch and keep my lymph system moving.

I also requested a low salt meal. The benefit of ordering a special meal is that you get it before all the regular passengers. People look at you and wonder why you are getting your meal before them.

Once I get there, I'll be able to relax, but until then I tend to be pretty nervous.

I will focus on New Years Eve and being in London.

2009, a new year, a new President (thank the goddess!), another birthday, another new year of holidays to come. Its a time to reflect the past year and all the events that occurred. Both personal and public memories.

I won't be too sad that 2008 is over. I am certainly looking forward to 2009. Nine is my favorite number so it HAS to be a good one!

Happy New Year ! I'll be posting after the 8th when I get back to the states.

Boxing Day

2008-12-26T17:27:00.000-08:00

Happy Boxing Day!

I remember celebrating my first Boxing Day in England. It was my first trip there and I had just met Stuarts' best friend (he was holding a sign up with my name on it), we went directly to his Dads' house for Boxing Day celebrations.

I knew no one and they were so lovely, very inviting. They were in the middle of playing games. The British are big on playing all sorts of games.

They got me to play as well. There was one game that involved some kind of charades (pronounced Sher-Rahhds). I had to get up in front of everyone and try to get them to guess what was on my card, or get my partner to guess it. Most of the trivia was of British history. I didn't know the majority of the subjects given. Such as Queens and Kings and the history behind them. I knew I should have paid more attention in class. It was quite funny but also embarrassing.

From what i've gathered, Boxing Day is usually spent eating and drinking way too much, oh and of course playing games. What I love is the wonderful Port and Cheeses that are served after a big meal. Port is a great digestive. The cheeses are stinky but in a scrumptious way. I found a new appreciation for moldy cheeses. Stilton is fantastic!

This year I introduced English "crackers" to my family. Not the edible kind, the type that involves a popping sound and wearing funny paper crowns. Another interesting Britain tradition. They look like big pieces of fancily wrapped candy. Two people tug on the cracker to see which one gets the bigger half. When its broken in two, the cracker pops like a firecracker (hence the name). Inside are little gifts or jokes or both. There are different levels of crackers. If you pay a lot of money you get nice presents inside.

I do love seeing family during the holidays, but to be honest i'm pretty glad they are over with. I'm looking forward to relaxing in England and perhaps drinking in the New Year with a glass of champagne. Maybe i'll even have a funny paper crown on.

Cheers!

Snow A Flying

2008-12-22T06:01:00.001-08:00

Well, I made it through another blizzard. Yesterday was quite the storm. My area got at least 13 inches of snow. The winds were over 30mph. A Nor-Easter for sure!

I am grateful that my power didn't go out. It would have been very cold seeing that it was only in the teens outside and wind chills way below zero.

I am cozy and warm and very thankful! I hope all of you readers out there stayed warm and cozy too!

This cold is certainly giving me a run for my money. Where does that saying come from I wonder?

I was able to go to a holiday party that involved a Yankee Swap, or some people say Chinese Gift Giving. I wonder if the Chinese really do give gifts that way?

There are so many expressions that we use and I'm betting most people don't know where they came from, how they started.

Lately the new expressions seem to come from famous people who start the trends.

I love the stories of how certain things come to pass. Some local guy in some small English town had a couple of pints and decided to say something that someone wrote down and there you go, it stuck!

I appreciate the fact that some sayings are kept local. I live in Maine and there are many Maine expressions. Wicked Good was a popular one when I was growing up.

I wonder if someone is writing a book documenting all the popular sayings of the past?

Is there an expression you find yourself saying a lot?

One that I tend to say that I'm trying to stop is "Cool!" I'm getting older and it's not exactly fitting my age group anymore. I need to come up with another expression to replace that one.

Maybe I can use "Fantastic!"

Happy Yule! Happy Christmas! Happy Kwanzaa! Happy Hanukkah! Happy Holidays!

Snowflakes Are Falling On My Head

2008-12-17T07:33:00.000-08:00

Hi ya'll

I'm still sick.

So tired of being sick. It's a waiting game.

I ventured out to get a small Christmas tree, fake one this year, and took some pics. Stewie loves to sit under the tree.

The snow is falling outside, luckily not on my head. I was supposed to go to my Oncologist today. I don't have a car and with me being sick and all I thought better of it. Don't want to get even more sick or delay my getting well.

I'm going to London for New Years! I'm very excited!

Every year my friend from London and I go somewhere for New Years. This will be our 9th year!

I HAVE to be well for my trip! I am determined and stubborn!

Cold cold go away! Come again some other day! Or year! :)

Hope you all are staying warm and toasty!

Sick :(

2008-12-14T07:15:00.000-08:00

I've been sick for almost a week now and i'm going stir crazy! It stared out as a sore throat and then progressed to my sinuses and now my lungs. fun times!

Here's a link I hope you can check out! I had fun doing this one! I believe you'll have to copy and paste the link...sorry, i'm still learning how to add things to my blog. I've got foggy brain today.

I wish I was in a snow mans' outfit instead but oh well. its still fun!

http://www.dancingsantacard.com/?santa=199398

Dancing Tonight!

2008-12-06T05:09:00.000-08:00

I am going to see a show tonight to see one of my favorite musicians, Mike Doughty!

I'm looking forward to dancing and having a great time!

My physical issues can take a back seat for now.

It's nice to have an escape from reality once in a while.

Let's hope my physical issues won't get in the way tonight, I want to live in the moment and have a good time.

Fingers' crossed!

Physical pain getting in the way

2008-12-04T05:22:00.000-08:00

So, i've been experiencing some physical aches and pains recently that seem to be getting worse and worse. I woke up this morning barely able to make a fist with either of my hands, this has been going on for a few weeks now. Most of my muscles and joints are achy. It could be the Femara drug that i'm taking, but of course I immediately think " its back!".

My body has recently become weaker as well. It reminds me of when I was in treatment. Every move seems challenging. I'm not able to move as quickly as I have been able to in recent past. I was walking my friends' dog and we usually jog a bit to get him tired out so he won't pull me quite so much and my body just couldn't do it for long or very well.

I woke up this morning and it really hit me. What next? If i go off the Femara there is only one other drug in the class of 3 available and if that doesnt work then i'm offered Tamoxifen which I really don't want to take. I know thousands of women who take it with huge success but my body is resisting it.

Other drugs that i'm currently taking are also pooping out or have awful side effects. I'm running out of options there too.

It all just makes me want to throw my hands up and crawl into bed for the winter. why can't we hibernate like the bears do?

Then i came across this video a little while ago and it cheered me up, i hope i was able to post it here. I LOVE Ani Difranco and seeing her LIVE is quite the experience if you ever have a chance, go see her!

enjoy and peace out,.... i'm going to go hide my head for a while but i'll be back out before Spring, no worries!

Todays Poem on the Writers' Almanac

2008-11-29T05:39:00.000-08:00

Purgatory Is Nearer in November

by Josephine Jacobsen

November is beautiful as the word sounds, is gray, is bare,
Is compact of wind, of leaves blown and the thin, tall rain;
Brought back to our care are the dead in November,
and the air of these days is charged with their pain.

For these are not the free dead, not the remote, bright crowd
Of our picture-book, or our image of nebulous heaven:
These are caught, tangled in a web comfortless as a shroud—
These have not familiar place, nor flight, nor oblivion, even.

They have not escaped yet-they are close in the clouds massing
together;
At the cold first drop you will stare on the dark ground and remember.
They are the accent of autumn, they are the source of the tone of this
weather.
The heart is reached by the waiting dead, in their month, in November.

"Purgatory Is Nearer in November" by Josephine Jacobsen, from Contents of a Minute. © Sarabande Books, 2008.

Blah Day

2008-11-25T06:42:00.000-08:00

I have once again been hesitant to post due to not being in a very good space, but here we go....

I believe it's this time of year that gets me down. There always seems to be a lot of death and illness all around. Maybe that's why having holidays distracts us from all the sadness?

The last few weeks have certainly been a challenging one for me.

I really am trying to keep a positive spirit but lately that little engine that could is losing the battle, burning it's wheels trying to make it to the top of that mountain.

Today is the actual burial of my good friends' mom. Her ashes will be buried along with her cats' ashes today at 11am. Its a rainy blustery day here and seems fitting for a burial.

I hurt my shoulder, recently, raking leaves at my moms' house. I totally overdid it. I raked for over 5 hours straight! What was I thinking? I wasn't. Now I am dealing with the repercussions.
A shoulder that has bursitis and sore muscles all around. My Osteopath just shook her head in disbelief when I told her of my latest injury. I then got very sad and disappointed in myself for one...not listening to my body when it told me to stop or slow down, and two....that I am not at the same place physically as I was 2 years ago or so. I am still regaining my strength and recovering from some pretty damn intense treatment.

I just get frustrated sometimes and that leads to depression of sorts.

I am feeling better today but this weather is making it hard to find that extra bit of energy to keep moving forward.

This is also a lonely time of year. It's been quite some time since I've been on a date or been dating someone.

It's like when babies are left alone too long they get sick and crave that touch. Humans need that physical touch, that love and caring, just to survive.

I'm feeling like that baby sitting alone in the dark, just crying out for some love and for someone to just hold me.

So, theres my sad post for today.

I am doing ok, even if it seems i'm not. I just have some sadness around me at the moment. I'm sure i'll be back to my hopeful self soon.

Todays' News

2008-11-21T17:27:00.000-08:00

I'm very happy with this recent news!

Boston Globe said..."WASHINGTON — Hillary Rodham Clinton has decided to give up her Senate seat and accept the position of secretary of state"

Ritual

2008-11-16T04:49:00.000-08:00

Sorry for the long delay in posting.

I hope you all are doing well and adjusting to this fall weather with the time change and new President-elect! yea!

I have been thinking about rituals lately and thought i'd post my thoughts on that subject.

Recently I attended a wake and funeral. I also attended two bonfires. One of them was to burn old paperwork of my friends' mom who died.

Rituals of all sorts are interesting to me.

We all have our own rituals, even if we don't realize it.

There is something that we may do every day without thinking twice about it. Maybe we wake up and the first thing we do is brush our teeth? Maybe it's feeding the animals? Maybe its putting on reading glasses? Then the rituals go deeper and become more personal. Some people pray or meditate when they wake up, or write in a journal. Whatever it is, it's a ritual.

Ritual can be such a loaded word. Ritual can mean religion to many people, or a cult even.

I watched one of my favorite movies last night called Baraka. I highly recommend it! Part of the movie shows different cultures using ritual. Praying in a certain way to a certain God or Goddess. Honoring a sacred item by kissing it or rubbing it or cleaning it. Bowing down in front of an altar or in front of a statue.

How did rituals begin? Some person at some time in history decided that a particular way of doing something was of significance. Was it during some horrible plague or famine? Was it during a time of strong religion that rituals were formed? Was it to honor the elements and cycles of the moon?

Obviously I could write about ritual forever. I just wanted to touch on it. To recognize that there are cultures all over the world that dance or pray or honor some spirit or God in some way. We all have the desire to honor something or someone in our lives and we all do it differently. Even if you don't believe in a God or a Higher Power, I bet there is something that you do to honor someone that has passed on or to honor the people in your lives right now.

Last Wednesday was the marking of my boyfriend Stuarts' death. Nine years ago he died. I wanted to honor that day by going to the climbing tree we had climbed so long ago. I wanted to do so many things but didn't. I ended up just putting up his picture in a place where I could see it better. I thought of the happy memories I have of him. I played a song that reminded me of him. That was my ritual this week.

This is a time of death and dying. The leaves are falling, the wind is howling, the air is cold and crisp.

After the death and dying phase there is rebirth and growth.

This time of year is important but it can also be challenging.

For there has to be death in order to have rebirth. As child labor can be painful and scary, so can death.

It's appropriate that the Presidential election is during this time as well. It is a time of change, the metaphorical dying of one way of thinking or acting to another way of looking at things. A new administration may bring a rebirth of sorts that we are all craving right now.

What rituals do you have in your life?

VOTE!

2008-11-03T18:51:00.000-08:00

I couldn't let this important day go by without saying something about voting.

Tomorrow is voting day. I know it's going to be long lines and long waits. Taking time to vote can be a pain. What if it's raining? That can also be annoying.

Think about the places in this world where there is no voting. Other people decide the rules of the game. People that live in dangerous places literally risk their lives to vote.

So, when you are complaining about the inconvenience of voting, maybe think of a person who is willing to risk their lives to vote. That's how important this right to vote is. Every vote DOES count. Bring a book, iPod, magazine. Make your grocery list or list of meals you want to cook this week. Make plans for this weekend. Do whatever it takes to make it to the polls and stick it out in line. It's worth it.

This election is very very important. It could be history changing. This could be a day that goes down in the history books that your grandchildren will study in school.

No matter what you believe in, VOTE!

There are many life challenges for many people right now. My good friend Nancy is currently packing up her moms' life into boxes. She is going to take the time tomorrow to vote. I know one woman who has been told she may only have months to live. She is voting.

Please take the time to vote.

Thank you

Highs and Lows

2008-10-29T05:50:00.000-07:00

I hope you all haven't forgotten about me. I haven't forgotten about all you wonderful readers out there. I've just been out of town and very busy.

This may be a long post, so sit back, get comfy, hold onto your hot cup of joe, and enjoy the ride....

First the Highs...

The weekend after my birthday week I went to a wonderful music festival. I got my camping wish. The festival was in Harmony, Maine. My good friend Nancy and I went there on a Saturday. It was another gorgeous fall day. The leaves were at their peak, the sun was shining and the air was crisp and clear. Nancy and I love road trips. We have the best memories when we go away somewhere. There's something freeing about getting away. Letting all our problems sit on the side lines for a while. All our responsibilities take a holiday too.

Our friend Quester set up tents for us and had the campsite all ready upon our arrival. Thanks Quester! He was playing in his band Freakwitch that night. The music of all the bands was wonderful! I've discovered some new music and found them on MySpace. There was good food, good music and my favorite part of the weekend, (other than the wonderful company I was a part of) was the bonfires! I got my bonfire! yea! We needed fire for sure! It was COLD! If there was one negative thing I had to say about the weekend it was the cold! Camping was challenging but I didn't freeze to death to thats an accomplishment for sure. The temps were down in the low 30's overnight.

The best day for me was that Sunday. We danced, hula hooped, and laid in the grass. No worries. Such a freedom feeling.

Then it was back to reality once again.

Nancys' mom was in the hospital and she needed to get back to her. Her sister was with her mom but it was Nancys turn to sit with her.

Now to the Lows....

Nancys' mom died last Thursday night. I got the call late that night and was able to get a car to go be with her around 11:30pm.

Sitting with someone who has passed away is such a surreal experience. I've had one other experience like it, even more profound. I was with my good friends' mom when she passed. I had been giving her reiki when she let go.

I am so grateful to be a part of this hard time for Nancy and her family. I am grateful for Nancys trust and faith in me to be there with her in her pain.

I am going through some emotions myself. I have the urge to want to take all the pain away from my dear friend. I know thats not possible and not fair to Nancy either. She needs to go through this her way and in her own time. I'm just a witness holding the space for her and what she needs.

I spent most of the weekend with her and am now home for a couple of days to recharge my batteries. I'm going back down there to be with her this weekend for the wake and funeral.

I think its appropriate that her moms' funeral is on All Souls Day. It's a day to honor the dead. To honor those who have passed. Honor the ancients. Honor the Saints. Some religions look at this day as a dark day, a depressing day. I look at it as a day of celebration. Remembering those who are not with us anymore. Remember the happy times, the times of joy.

Its a time when the "veils" of the worlds are thinnest. When communication with souls is easier to do. If you believe in that way of thinking. I do.

So, i've caught you all up on my adventures of late.

I hope you all have a safe and joyful Halloween/Samhain.

Maybe sometime this weekend, you can light a candle, say a prayer, put a picture out of your loved ones who have passed. Honor them, remember the joy and love you shared with them.

I know I will.

Blessed Be

(The Heart Rock Pic I took in Bar Harbor, Maine)

Back to Reality

2008-10-15T16:59:00.000-07:00

Well, i've had quite the week of celebrating.

My friend from London and I spent the week running around town and then up the coast for my birthday on wednesday. We went the long way so we could see the rainbow of leaves that are now at their peak of color.

My friend had rented a red mustang convertible, so of course we had the top down most of the way.

We ended up in Bar Harbor and spent the night at a gorgeous Inn on the ocean. We had an amazing meal with expensive champagne! I haven't eaten that much in months! It was worse than thanksgiving as far as the fullness factor went, but well worth it! I had wanted to go out dancing afterwards but couldn't manage it. I think my friend was content with not going anyway. He's not much into dancing.

I got my fix however. I got to go out dancing on friday night. Some friends went out with me to let it all loose on the disco lit dance floor. I had a blast!

I've noticed the last couple of days that my jeans are barely fitting me. I've eaten way too much this week. A bit glutenous.

Its back to reality. Back to eating a bit better and walking more. I don't have the fancy car to drive me around anymore. Just as well, I need the exercise.

I saw a pretty good movie today with an amazing woman who is a survivor as well. It was about an inventor who had his idea stolen by a huge car manufacturer. It was really about how he didn't give up even with all the temptations. He stuck to his morals and persevered through many obstacles. He did end up losing some valuable time and relationships in the process. His efforts have helped so many. Was his sacrifice worth it? That question has been on my mind.

Do you keep on moving forward with your decisions even if it hurts people you love? When is sacrifice worth it?

Is there a path for all of us to take? A path that maybe our souls have chosen before we were born? A path that if we take on leads us to heartache but possibly a necessary choice?

Who's to say?

Was my cancer part of my chosen path, or do things really just happen to us randomly?

When inventors or scientists spend years and years of their life devoted to finding the solution, or the cure, is it worth it in the end?

I'd have to say yes, if its a cure for cancer, an invention to help others in the future.

But then again i'm not the inventor or the scientist who is sacrificing their lives. There are also the monks who spend their whole lives in prayer. The peace corps volunteers who live to help others. The military soldiers.....the list goes on.

This is when I wonder if i'm on the right path.

Am I doing enough to help others? Am I on the right path?

The guilt can sink in when i'm out celebrating my birthday, eating way too much, dancing the night away.

There has to be joy and love in the world too. Its o.k. that I celebrate and love life. I can balance both responsibility and fun can't I?

I do hope that after I'm gone from this world that I have left some kind of footprint, some kind of evidence that I did do some good for others, that I did follow the path I was meant to.

One Year!

2008-10-07T07:23:00.000-07:00

October 5th marked a year since I finished my cancer treatments, other than having a hysterectomy.

Saturday the 4th I threw myself a party to celebrate that and also my upcoming birthday (the 8th).

I had lots of friends and family join me at one of my favorite Japanese restaurants.

Party favors were passed around. I wore the devils horns (pictured here). I love having party gifts to play with.

My brother made a trip up with his girlfriend, that was really special and I also got a huge surprise of having my friend from London show up unexpectedly. I was like a deer in headlights when I saw him standing there. I had spoken with him the day before and had no idea of his plans. No one has ever given me such a surprise before!

As you can see from the picture I also had my hair color changed. I wanted to do something different to honor this time. I have always wanted to try dark brown or black hair.

I'm just grateful to have hair at all!

I had a wonderful time and am so grateful for everyone who joined me! I felt a bit undeserving but am working on that. :)

This week while my friend is here we'll be doing some more celebrating by driving up the coast of Maine and hopefully seeing some great leaf colors.

So, heres to a year of survival!

I'm still here cancer!!! You haven't beaten me! So there!!

Paul Newman

2008-09-28T05:52:00.000-07:00

Another great person dies of cancer.

Paul Newman seemed to me like such a wonderful human being.

From his actions alone he appeared to do all the things I feel people with fame should do.

To not take money and influence for granted. To share his wealth and ability to give in so many ways.

I won't list all his accomplishments, they are many.

I just wanted to note his passing and say how much I admired him and what he did for children, for the earth, for humanity in general.

I also absolutely LOVE his Newman O's, the chocolate/chocolate ones, YUM!

I hope people can learn from him and follow suit.

You'll be missed Paul!

Emails or Phone Calls?

2008-09-27T05:23:00.000-07:00

I was thinking about emails versus phone calls this morning.

What did we all do before emails? We hand wrote letters on actual paper and mailed them to people. We also used the phone more often.

I am grateful for emails because sometimes I don't have the energy or time to call someone and want to at least connect with them, so sending an email can be handy.

On the other hand I feel emails have replaced a part of important communication.

I love love LOVE getting hand written letters. I feel so special when someone takes the time to communicate with me this way. I also love to send hand written letters.

I get cards from a fellow survivor and friend quite often and am so happy to receive them. I feel honored when I open the cards to find a personal letter to me.

There are some people in my life that I only email with. Thats the only communication we have.

I have other people in my life that I only speak on the phone with. They don't like to use email unless its a quick hello.

Why is it that some people won't use email no matter how much you write to them? The same for phone calls.

For me I find it easier to email and I feel I can at least communicate with most people that way. If I didn't have email I know that I wouldn't be communicating with certain people at all. Sad but true.

When I'm on the phone I like to make sure I have no distractions and most importantly I want to have the energy to listen and respond back. I tend to get drained of energy after I end a phone call. Maybe i'm not protecting myself well by giving so much, thus the energy drain. I'm not sure what it is. All I know is that I prefer email most of the time. I feel I can communicate without draining my energy supplies via email.

I'm trying to connect with the "phone only" people lately. I put it on my to-do list to call them and make time.

I'd love to hear your thoughts about this subject.

Do others feel the same way? Do you have certain people you only email to? Why is that?

Do you hand write letters to people? If not, why?

I am grateful for this blog, to be able to use the computer to communicate with you all.

If only I could hand write a personal letter to you all, to say thank you, that would be lovely.

Happy Mabon!

2008-09-22T14:05:00.000-07:00

Its the first day of Fall today. Happy Mabon!

Goodbye to summer, goodbye to wearing only shorts and a t-shirt, goodbye to freshly cut flowers at the farmers market, goodbye to the sounds of the crickets and insect life at night, goodbye to the icecream truck song, goodbye to the outdoor seating at restaurants.

Hello to beautiful colored leaves, hello to warm sweaters pulled out of boxes, hello to squashes and pumpkins, hello to smoke coming out of chimneys, hello to hot soups and stews, hello to a new season.

I'm trying to embrace the Fall and not dread it as I have so many years of my life. The Fall meant back to school and a winter around the corner, cold winds and too many layers. I want to appreciate the Fall and appreciate being alive now, no matter what the calendar says.

I am here now, today, the first day of Fall

....this is an excerpt I found on the web from Patti Wigington about Mabon.....
Mabon is a time of balance, when there are equal hours of darkness and light, and that can affect people in different ways. For some, it's a season to honor the darker aspects of the goddess, calling upon that which is devoid of light. For others, it's a time of thankfulness, of gratitude for the abundance we have at the season of harvest. Because this is, for many people, a time of high energy, there is sometimes a feeling of restlessness in the air, a sense that something is just a bit "off". If you're feeling a bit spiritually lopsided, with this simple meditation you can restore a little balance into your life.

Correction

2008-09-16T09:16:00.000-07:00

My mom informed me that I made a mistake with the info on the male and female bald eagles.

The female is actually larger than the male, not what I had stated before...

Thanks Mom!

Linda

2008-09-15T18:25:00.000-07:00

I just got the news that a former employer and friend passed away not too long ago.

Her name was Linda Montgomery. I worked for her as a personal assistant. She had diabetes and due to complications with her circulation etc... she became blind and had to have part of her foot amputated. She also went through kidney transplants and dialysis, many treatments and surgeries.

Linda used to be a photographer, loved nature and wanted to capture it on film. When she became blind, you can imagine the heartache she must have felt.

She turned her disabilities into something to benefit others. She would speak at schools, write books of inspiration, spread the word of faith and hope.

There are many memories I have of my time with Linda. I'll mention a few of them here.

Linda challenged me in many ways. She wasn't the easiest person to work for. She wanted things done in a particular way and would fight you on it. I did admire her tenacity and spirit, she was very driven and didn't let much get in her way.

We took a trip to Maine and she got to meet my family. She took a few pictures with my camera and surprisingly they came out very good. She just went with her other senses to guide her lens.

She lived in NC for many many years, thats where I met and worked for her.

She brought me to a wonderful all black baptist church nearby. She had been going off and on for years. I was nervous at the time but.... I believe I mentioned this story in a previous post.....
i'll never forget that experience. The energy of the place, the joy on Lindas face. My finally letting go a bit more, trusting, being in the moment.

The last thing I want to mention is every Christmas Linda would have a card made. Each year it was something more outrageous. She hired a photographer and would put on the appropriate costume for the theme in mind. The card looked like she was actually doing the things she dreamed of. One year she was a mermaid, one year she was flying in a hot air balloon, one year she was driving a race car or something along those lines. She had the biggest grin on her face. I think she really got a kick out of creating the next years card. I'll miss getting them.

Inside the card she would have a typed letter letting us all know what shes been up to. She also had some words of healing and positive suggestions on how to live your life.

I bet shes having a blast now, on the other side, able to see again, able to walk well again, and able to help whomever needs it.

She will be missed.

Eagles Flying High

2008-09-15T11:58:00.000-07:00

Saturday I went on an Audubon trip with my mother. We drove about an hour and a half to the dock where the boat took off.

The actual boat trip was about 5 and a half hours.

Apparently bald eagles are coming back in numbers. I think I heard they were removed from the endangered list, which I have misgivings about.

On our way out to sea we saw some harbor seals and a few harbor porpoises (smaller than dolphins), that was exciting.

All in all we saw over 20 bald eagles! We definitely needed binoculars to see them well except this one time when one was flying not far from us overhead. That was my favorite moment of the trip. The eagle soared in circles, graceful and majestic. It was molting time so his wings had some tatters and holes.

I learned that its nearly impossible to tell a male and female bald eagle apart. The females are smaller in size but thats about all the difference. The younger eagles are mostly brown, they don't have their white feather caps on yet.

It was a beautiful day and the rivers we toured were lush and green, with lots of rocks and pine trees to gaze at.

Birds of all sorts were spotted. Great Blue Herons, different types of Loons, Gulls, and more. People would spot something and yell out the location by saying if the bird was at 10 o'clock or 2 etc.... All the binoculars and cameras would be in their positions scoping out each species.

I wondered if the eagles were wondering what we were all looking at, whats all the fuss?

I was reminded of how beautiful birds are and nature in general. I wish I took more time to appreciate my beautiful state I live in.

I listened to Leroy Sievers memorial/celebration of life on NPR.org today. It was recorded for the MY CANCER bloggers, so nice of them to do that.

One thing that Leroy said was something like.... take time out to do something you would have put off for tomorrow. Try something new.

Well I tried something different. Going on that boat ride. It was long and I was totally exhausted by the time I got home but it was worth it. I'm glad I went.

I can picture that soaring bald eagle in the sky and remember the beautiful and precious things of this world.

Remembering

2008-09-11T09:54:00.000-07:00

I didn't want to let today pass without saying something about 9/11/01.

Our country has changed in so many ways due to the horrible events on that day.

Peoples' lives have changed.

Politicians say that we need to feel safe, do what we can to accomplish that sense of security.

How can we really feel safe?

I don't believe we have that control. No matter how many walls, fences, or security measures we create, we can not have that kind of safety.

So, how do we live?

For me, I have to live each day and hope that my world won't be turned upside down from a phone call saying someone I love has died or has discovered they have a disease. I have to live my life as if tragic events won't come my way any time soon.

If I live in fear and try to control all that's around me, I am not really living.

A neighbor of mine told me that someone got stabbed on a street that I frequently walk down. She said it was during the day and I need to avoid that street now.

No, i'm not going to do that. I will be aware of my surroundings and take certain precautions but i'm not going to stop doing the things I want to do because of some event or someone elses fear.

I want to remember all the people who died on 9/11, stop for a few moments and think about the losses the families are dealing with and will always deal with.

To honor those who are dying every day, I want to live my life to the fullest. Try to be happy and try to help others in need. I don't believe that living in fear and reacting in violence will honor the people who have died.

So, to all those who have died and to all those who are grieving or in pain in some way, I honor you! I hold you in my heart and send you healing white light.

Objects of Memory

2008-09-09T19:10:00.000-07:00

I saw this show on PBS about Objects with Memories.

At first I thought it was about psychic ability, to retrieve memories or emotions from objects by touching them.

I was surprised to find out it was about objects saved from tragic events. Mostly about 9/11.

People had left personal items at "ground zero" and all over the city. In memory of people who had died.

Objects were also found from the two towers, personal items, that were given to family members of the people who died. The items were simple to most but to the families they were profound. Some people told the stories behind the items, like this one woman who said her sister loved her summer bag and inside it were her rosary beads. Another woman said her husband carried a $2.00 bill in his wallet and she did as well, 2 hearts connecting, second marriage etc.... His bill was totally intact.

It got me thinking about items that i've saved when people have gone from my life.

When I was younger I used to save the oddest things. I saved matchbooks and drink coasters from dates I had with a current crush of the week. I saved concert ticket stubs, buttons, stickers. So much stuff.

Then when my boyfriend died I wanted as much of his things as I could get a hold of. In search of something to bring him closer to me, closer to my heart. He used to roll his own cigarettes
and after he died I found one in my ashtray and saved it. I was able to get a few of his personal items that his birth mom had in storage. The one thing I treasure most is a sweater that he had worn on his last trip here to the states, when I had met him. After his celebration of life gathering I had found it on the bed he was sleeping on. I held it to me and could smell him on the sweater. I didn't want to take it off. Luckily I was able to keep it. I made copies of pictures of him when I hadn't even met him. Someone elses' memories. I wanted to somehow piece together his past, understand him more, get to know him without him.

That was nearly 9 years ago.

Nowadays I just have one picture out of him and its not the first thing I see when I wake up.

I've moved on in some ways, but in others i'll never move on. He is a part of my history, a part of my heart.

The objects don't matter anymore, just the memories.

I do believe that objects are a part of the healing that needs to happen for anyone grieving. It can bring you back to the moments you need to remember, to hold close to your heart.

Shift in a nano second

2008-09-06T07:21:00.000-07:00

My brother has been speaking with me about writing. He is currently writing some personal stories and thoughts. I decided to pick up one of my favorite books on writing called "Bird by Bird" by Anne Lamott.

I had started a novel a few years back, hand written and now lost. I wonder if I wasn't supposed to finish it, just move on to something else? That was just a first draft of better things to come.

I read the Writers Almanac from NPR every morning and todays excerpt is especially moving for me.

It got me thinking of how emotions can shift in a nano second.

Reading a moving poem, seeing a piece of art, hearing a lovely piece of music, smelling a familiar scent.

Our senses are powerful tools to conjure up emotions and memories.

I was especially upset last night when my neighbors decided to have a party starting at 10pm. By 2am I had had enough. I had been so calm and enjoying my novel on writing when it all shifted to anxiety and anger. I went through all the thoughts of what I wanted to do or what could I do to alleviate my negative emotions and thoughts.

In Dialectical Behavioral Therapy they talk of "wise mind", where you are not in your emotional state and not in the reasonable state but in the middle. Where you can see what is really going on and not reacting to situations, standing back and seeing the situation for what it truly is. Thats challenging when you have sounds and thoughts coming at you at a fast pace. It took me a few hours but I got there. I saw the situation for what it was and was able to relax back to sleep.

Next time i'm hoping I can come to that place in less time.

Retraining the brain takes time and patience.

A Year Goes By So Fast!

2008-09-01T06:59:00.000-07:00

August 26, 2007 I posted my first blog here!

It's hard to believe it's been a whole year since that first day.

I wasn't sure I would blog much at all. I was thinking I would just stop posting after my radiation treatments were over.

This blog has been very helpful for me to express my feelings and thoughts about my journey.

I truly appreciate all comments given to me, thank you!

The beautiful weather has finally arrived in Maine! The kind of weather that people flock here every summer for. July and part of August were very wet and cool but this last week has been perfect!

I still haven't reached my goal of camping out, but I haven't given up quite yet.

I DID get to spend some wonderful time with my brother, his girlfriend, and my adorable nephews this past week. My brother and his girlfriend went off camping and adventuring while his sons stayed with the grandparents. I was able to spend some one on one time with each of the boys. Really great!

I took the oldest boy to Fun Town. I was hoping to ride some fun rides but he wasn't into most of them. He loves the games the best. I think his favorite thing was to throw the baseball at a target that can tell you how fast the ball was thrown. He has quite the arm on him for a ten year old. The highest speed he threw was 42mph. Even the girl running the game said he should go pro. My nephew was all smiles, so proud of himself.

I loved watching him on the bumper cars. I can't do the bumper cars, too much for me, but I loved watching him drive around and smiling, having fun.

He also loved driving the big antique cars that ride on a track but you can still steer them a bit and use the gas pedal. I sat in the back and he was so happy. The third time he drove the car he insisted going alone.

Four hours later in the blistering heat I had had enough. I had wished my nephew had wanted to go to the water slides too but he said to me "I don't feel like getting wet today".....

shoot....I was looking forward to whizzing down those fast tubes of water.

next year perhaps.

I also got to take my 6 year old nephew alone to the playground. We had a blast. He told me stories as we ate our "fake" macaroni and cheese dinner, played whiffle ball with a cute little girl named Faith. They both made me run quite a bit after that ball. Quite the hitters they were!

I took my oldest nephew to a skateboard park where he could try out his new skateboard and gear that grandma and grandpa got him for his birthday. He was a bit embarrassed at first because all the boys there were much older and didn't have a helmet or elbow pads on. He said he felt funny or embarrassed. Finally he got out there and tried the course out.

I posted a picture of him trying to balance and not fall. So cute if I don't say so myself, proud aunt that I am!

I am so grateful for the time I got to spend with my brother as well.

Good times all around, even did some dancing friday night!

Today is a day of rest for the most part, it IS labor day after all!

Thanks for sticking with me after a year of posting, here's hoping I make it to another year!

Blessed Be to ALL!

All Clear!

2008-08-26T06:59:00.000-07:00

This morning I had my 6 month unilateral mammogram. Just on the "infected" side.

There has GOT to be a better way! It's almost comical how medieval the procedure is.

I then had to wait for the Radiologist to review the scans, took forever! Then I take my old films up to the surgical breast doctor. Wait, wait wait....

She comes in with an intern doctor, asking me questions and I wanted to say, GET TO THE FILMS! She finally did, and she saw some calcium deposits, but she thinks that they are the same ones I had a year ago, and theres no issue with them.

So, i'm all clear until 6 months from now when i'll have my yearly bilateral mammogram.

Whew! Safe for another 6 months!

I can let out my breath now

Sorting it all out

2008-08-22T05:13:00.000-07:00

Sometimes it's frustrating when you can't figure out for sure what's going on in your body.

I've been having some pain and mostly sore muscles lately.

My sleep hasn't been great either.

The doctors I see will ask me if I know why I feel this way. I can't seem to figure it out and I believe it can be almost impossible to know for sure.

The sleep could be due to menopause, or the new meds i'm on or who knows....

The pains...well there are a few. I now have trocanteric bursitis. Could be due to my power walking. I tend to push it too much without stretching first. Could be due to my aromatase inhibitor i'm taking, that keeps the estrogen down. My sore joints more than likely is due to that.

I'm seeing my osteopath about the neck,shoulder, back pain. The bursitis may have to be helped by Physical Therapy.

I had an x-ray on my hip area and it came out good, no fractures or dislocations or calcium deposits. Since I have osteoporosis they wanted to make sure I didnt' do some damage.

Figuring out why i'm having a symptom would be nice but is it really all that important?

Maybe not.

Walking really helps me in so many ways, and since I dont have a car or frequent use of one, I need to walk and take buses. Its hard when the doctor says to ease up on the walking when I really get good benefits from it.

So, i'm just walking slower and taking buses more often, but I'm still walking.

Its just another reminder that things are different now. I need to be more aware of my limitations and take better care of my body. I don't seem to heal as fast as I used to.

I'll be walking today, getting some food, i'll use my push cart instead of a big backpack.

It's all about adjustments.

I saw a story about an Olympic athlete (Natalie du Toit) who lost her leg and how she adjusted. She made it work for her, she adjusted her way of doing things and her way of looking at her goals.

My stubborn side wants to throw a tantrum and say, "NO, I want to do things the same way I used to!"

I'm readjusting my attitude, little by little.

Sorting it all out.

Sad News

2008-08-17T11:26:00.000-07:00

I just found out that an amazing cancer warrior has died. Leroy Sievers. I have a link to the left of the website under sites I go to daily, under My Cancer Blog, its npr.org/mycancer. If you would like to read a wonderful article about Leroy and his passing....click on the first blue highlighted area on the August 16th post, it will bring you to the article.

I loved reading Leroys' thoughts and honesty with how he felt and what he was going through.

The comments people left, including myself, were very moving at times, funny and helpful for my journey.

I don't think I know of a tougher cancer warrior than Leroy, ( i didnt know him personally but felt like i did due to his wonderful writing), he didn't want that cancer to take over and went through so many procedures, experimental and otherwise to help do that.

He was told he had a couple months to live after his cancer returned but he lived 2 1/2 more years.

I believe his fight and journey has helped a huge amount of people that either know of someone who has cancer or they are in the cancer world.

You'll be missed Leroy!

Rest in peace .......and kick some butt on the other side for us here, Leroy, help find a cure!

New Link

2008-08-17T07:28:00.000-07:00

Hi ya'll!

I found out about a new website that is very cool!

Check it out!

There should be a video to watch thats very cool, very moving, i recommend taking the 3 minutes to watch it! If you don't see it, let me know and i'll post the link to the video.

http://www.standup2cancer.org/

The sun is out and its a beautiful day!!

Hope you all are having a wonderful, joyful weekend!

Eclipse Energy

2008-08-15T06:11:00.000-07:00

Tomorrow night there will be an eclipse happening. It can be a time of new beginnings and endings. A time to take risks and make some bold moves forward to better your life.

Thats how I see it anyway.

My dear step sister is graduating today. She has gone through 5 years of schooling while being a mother of a three year old. She not only is going to graduate tonight, shes' going to do it with high scores! You go sista love!!!

She is an inspiration to me in so many ways. Its fitting that her graduation is happening around the eclipse. An ending and new beginning for her and her family.

I'm trying to look at this eclipse as a new beginning for me as well. New ways of seeing things. New ways of behaving. New ways of thinking. New ways of acting.

I'm also trying to ignore all the back to school ads and not buy into the idea that summer is over. NOOOOO! I still want to camp, hike, swim, play!

Theres still time. Thats my mantra today. Theres still time.

Waves are settling

2008-08-08T17:33:00.000-07:00

I apologize for the long pause in posts.

I needed some time off and to gather some strength both physically and psychologically.

Sometimes I feel like i'm a sponge, sucking up all energy around me. Once in a while I blow a circuit. Overloaded senses.

I regroup and move forward again.

This time was a bit of a nuclear meltdown, too much detail to get into.

All systems are up and running now. Slowly but still progressing forward.

Lately there has been so much rain and clouds that the motivation to keep a positive, hopeful spirit has been challenging. Not impossible but its like walking with galoshes in the mud,.... leaving solid footprints.

There are going to be some changes in my life, they may not come all at once and be dramatic, but all the same, major changes.

I will keep you posted.

Rain, rain go away, come again another day....
please?

Stormy Weather

2008-07-25T06:34:00.000-07:00

To live or not to live, that is the question....

There have been lots of storms lately as i'm sure most people around the country know.

One person was killed by a house collapsing on her. There may have been tornadoes but no confirmation has been made on that.

A storm will come in with dark clouds and then wind and then heavy rains with lightning. The sun will come out, everyone can breathe again. Birds come out, people venture outside. A little while later another storm comes in. Repeat, repeat....

I thought I was out of the storm....., i'm back in it.

I'm not sure what to say about it really.

Its such a tiresome thing to write or talk about. I'm sure people in my life are sick of hearing about it. I know I am. I'm living it and i'm sick of it big time.

I saw a new therapist yesterday and it didnt go well. She was all business and I felt like I was in bootcamp. She was the drill sargent. All about rules to follow and what she expects from me and how I am "encouraged" to try this and that....no smiles, no empathy or sympathy, nothing.
Rules and guidelines.

I left there feeling worse than when I arrived.

I'm at the point right now where i'm just so tired of it all, really tired. Tired of this depression, tired of fighting to stay alive.

I don't want people to write me to tell me how they want me to live or how good of a person I am, i'm not looking for sympathy or help in that way. No pity party please. I'm just expressing how I'm feeling.

Shitty really....

I think the guilt of how people in my life would feel is keeping me alive right now. The guilt of how my family and friends would be affected if I took my own life.

Why is it that we stay alive for other people?

This new therapist wants to make sure I stay alive. Why does she care if I stay alive? She doesnt know me, i'm not in her life in that way, why care?

We put our animals down or discard them if they are a nuissance but we can't accept it if someone wants to leave this earth now. why is that?

The pro-lifers fight against abortion but will (not all) allow this stupid war to go on and accept that its ok to kill human beings, for what?

We kill animals for food and fur and leather.

I just got to thinking about it lately.

The catholics say its a sin to kill yourself and you'll go to hell. I don't believe that.

There are so many rules and religions about life and what that means. But its also twisted. The death penalty is ok? Murder is justified sometimes? I don't get it.

I don't want anyone to panic that reads this that i'm going to do something drastic.

Yes, its on my mind.

But like I said before, I have too much guilt to actually do anything. I don't want to hurt people.

In the meantime i'm hurting, ....inside and out right now.

Hopefully next post will be positive.

Reminder

2008-07-19T05:44:00.000-07:00

Well, i've poked my head out of the water and am swimming the doggy paddle.

The dark cloud has lifted.

We had some nasty thunder storms yesterday. I was on my way to an appointment when I had to wait for the storm to pass, stop what i'm doing and wait. It seems similar to when I get hit with some serious depression symptoms. I just have to wait it out.

I saw Batman last night, the new one with the late Heath Ledger and the beautiful sexy Christian Bale. It was amazing! I can see why Heath is getting some Oscar nomination nods. He's incredibly scary and disturbing. The movie was very dark and intense, but so well done that you just have to watch it all. The acting was so well that it almost became real, thats when you know you are transformed as a viewer, when a movie can almost make you believe that what you are seeing is really going on. Love that!

I've been running around all week, started a neuro rehabilitation program due to the chemo messing around with my brain and cognitive functions. I am also going to start a new therapy group and see a new counselor to also help with some skills I am lacking, to hopefully get me back to work or school.

I am reminded that I am still in recovery. All the running around lately has really exhausted me. I have some more running around to do today but its fun running around, not tedious like this last week. Sunday I should be able to mostly take the day off and chill.

I look back at what i've accomplished this week and am still amazed that it could wear me out so much.

I could let that depress me and I could easily go to a place where I felt sad that i'm not up to par quite yet, but I am trying not to.

I want to give myself a break and realize that next thursday will be my one year anniversary of stopping chemo treatment, but it wont be till october 5th when I will have been finished with radiation treatment for a year. It takes some time to get back to feeling more energetic.

I just need to keep reminding myself of that.

Patience grasshopper

Reluctance

2008-07-14T06:36:00.000-07:00

I am really reluctant to post today due to not knowing what to say and wishing I were more positive.

I keep reminding myself that I didn't start this blog to only be positive. There are a gazillion blogs out there that can give extreme positivity if thats what is needed. I want my blog to be real.

So, on that note, i'm still reluctant. No one wants to be a downer or negative.

I'm human, I'm going to be who I am and thats not always positive.

I've been struggling with the dark clouds over head lately. Depression can sneak up on you when you least expect it.

I'm sure most people have some form of depression and it can last from hours to a couple of days, but for clinical depression, it can be very severe and last quite a long while.

Some days I can have some sadness and a good walk can help lessen the intensity.

Lately, however, nothing seems to work. Thats when I know its serious. Walks, being with friends, happy movies, good music, ....nothing helps and sometimes makes me feel worse.

I usually just have to ride the waves and coast into shore hopefully on my feet and not with a mouth full of sand.

Thats about all I have to say today....I'm still here and still riding the waves, reluctantly.

Energy

2008-07-06T05:32:00.000-07:00

I took this photo of fireworks friday night with some good friends. It was a lovely night, no clouds, no rain, everyone enjoying the lights in the sky, having fun! Isn't that what life is about? Sometimes. Its also about appreciating the good moments. If we only had good moments we may never realize how special they are.

Its sunday. A time when lots of people go to church. I called a friend this morning and she's not usually a church goer but in the summer for about 2 months she goes with her mom to a small chapel that opens only for the summer months. Its a sweet little chapel that has guest preachers for the 8 weeks or so.

It got me thinking about the times I went to church as a child. I have never been one to join a church or religion. I believe in honoring many religions or spiritual practices. My parents "made" me go and for a while I was a faithful Episcopalian and even got confirmed as one. I am grateful for the experience. The singing of carols or psalms, drinking the special wine from the golden goblet, eating the wafers.

My thoughts are that people are attracted to energy. The energy of how it feels to be in a group of people all focused on the same ideas.

People worship many gods and goddesses. Theres God, Jesus, Buddha, Allah, and so many more...

I have had many amazing experiences at events or churches where the energy was incredible. I've always been attracted to churches, especially old ones in the UK or France. I love old grave yards too.

Once I was a personal assistant for a woman who used to be a photographer until she lost her eyesight due to diabetes. She still had so much faith and believes that she's here to teach others about adversity. We went to an all black baptist church one day. I was nervous and excited. This was a new experience for me and I didn't know what to expect. The church was somewhere near Black Mountain, NC. I was going to massage school at the time.

Everyone there was so welcoming and they knew the woman I was with. She had been frequenting there at that time. A few people gave us curious looks and even giggled, but for the most part there was no judgment. There were beautiful colors of clothes and fancy hats all scattered about the pews. We went near the front and waited for the service to begin. I was so happy to see that there was no preaching of sin or negative ideas. It was all positive. There were microphones and an organ blaring out the sounds of joy.

Then there came the singing. The voice of one woman in particular blew me away. After about 5 minutes of the singing, the energy in the place rose to the heavens. You could not help but be swept away from it all. Rising and rising until our bodies all swayed in unison. I saw the woman I was with, just holding up her arms and feeling the power of what was happening. She couldn't witness what I saw, she couldn't see the people going up front to get "healed", falling into someones arms and to the ground. She couldn't see the people with their arms in the air as if in a trance, praising the Lord and Jesus. However, she could feel the energy around her and hear the beautiful sounds come together and swirl as one. I lifted my arms and closed my eyes. I was hooked. Its a drug, this high you feel when people come together and lift each other up.

When I was in NYC I went to a famous yoga studio for some free chanting. Krishna Das was leading the chanting. The tabla drums and singing,... again...lifted the room. It was a hot summer night, all of us sweating and chanting.

I went to a performance of Tibetan Monks chanting once. Same idea. Everyone was hypnotized.
NYC, Qawwali music from Pakistan, people throwing money over their heads as a form of respect, African drumming circles, Twirling Dervishes, the list goes on and on.

When there are events such as these or even just a sports or music event, where lots of people go to a place to gather and cheer for the same idea.

Maybe thats why we are so addicted to gathering in groups. We love that high. Music, singing, chanting, cheering, laughing, joy, love.

I personally don't believe in joining one group or religion. I want to experience many different types of things.

Aren't we all craving that same thing?

I see on a c.d. of have of Qawwali music,...it says..."Qawwali, the essence of desire".

I believe that says it all.

Plans changing

2008-06-27T15:46:00.000-07:00

Lately i've noticed that when I make plans to do something, things don't always turn out how i'd hoped they would.

Sometimes its for the better but in my experience I get disappointed.

Yesterday was a nice surprise. I was able to be a "bride" after all!

I got to wear a beautiful Linen/lace dress (pictured here).

There were supposed to be about 200 guests for the fund raiser, but I believe when I was there the count was less. The rain had come out once again. Theres a trend happening in Maine, rain and thunderstorms in the afternoons, for weeks now.

I was a bit nervous but excited to strut my self on the "cat walk" which was only a porch. The house was amazingly beautiful, mansion like. On the water with a huge lawn and sitting rooms that were roped off to peering eyes.

That was a nice surprise to not be the mother of the bride. Although there were fabulous dresses for that purpose that many women pulled off wonderfully.

I believe there were about 6 brides showing off gorgeous dresses and jewelry.

Other changes have been when I invite people to come over and they cancel the last minute or I plan on doing something and it gets rained out.

Next friday, july 4th, I am planning a party. I'm not sure what the weather is going to be like. Right now the weather forecasts rain and thundershowers. Yuck! I wanted to go cookout and then watch the fireworks that are shot off a few blocks from my house. My apartment is so tiny that I don't want everyone to just hang out inside all night, thats no fun.

It is still a week away, so maybe the weather people have it wrong. Maine weather can change all the time. Just like my life lately.

Change is in the air

Happy Summer Solstice!

2008-06-23T16:39:00.000-07:00

June 21st was the solstice, starting off summer, technically it was friday night....

Its been rainy and cool for the most part except today was hot and humid but no sun, a sticky mess.

But, its summer! My favorite season in Maine!

To honor the solstice I lightened my hair a bit. It wasn't the color I was going for but I think i'll get used to it eventually, hopefully before it grows out again. When my hair grew back it grew back much much darker. So much so that a friend I recently met said he thought my hair was dark brown in the picture he saw on my MySpace page. That did it for me, time for a change as the season changes.

I went to a fancy boutique today that specializes in wedding party attire. Theres going to be a fund raiser for the Cancer Center I go to on thursday. Its going to be at a board members beautiful home and it includes a fashion show. I was asked to be one of the "models" for the bridal dresses. I was thinking I could be like cinderella and dream of some day perhaps getting married. Wear an expensive dress that I would probably never buy but could dream of wearing, feel special for a couple of hours.

Then I get there and the woman running the shop today asks me if I'm supposed to try on the brides dress or the mother of the brides dress. I assumed it was only going to be brides dresses. Wrong! I am going to play the part of the mother of the bride! great!

It seems almost worse than being the brides maid and never the bride,.... being the mother of the bride, ...when A. i'm not a mother and won't ever have children, B. I've never been married before and C. I'm menopausal.....so i suppose its perfect, just a bit depressing. The woman playing the part of the bride is gorgeous, shes' almost too perfect, so it makes sense to have her be the bride. It was just a bit of a let down thats all. I'll be wearing a beautiful outfit and it cost more than I pay for groceries all month, so I really can't complain.

My cinderella glass slippers will just have to stay in their box for another day.

Balance

2008-06-19T05:54:00.000-07:00

sorry i havent written lately...

I went to visit my brother, his girlfriend, and his two boys in the Berkshires for 4 days.

It was wonderful to see them. I realized it had been almost a year since i'd seen them and that was when i was finishing up my chemo. Not the best kind of visit to have.

I rented a car and drove the 4 or so hours there. They live in such a beautiful home in the woods. Their dog is a sweetie too, had fun playing fetch with her, she wanted to play tug o war mostly.

I was chatting with a friend today and we discussed Balance.

What does it mean to find balance in your life?

I've mentioned this before here that its been a challenge to do the things i want to do and yet be aware of the things that might cause some problems if i over do them. Such as eating too much salt, or lifting heavy items, or being repetitious with activities. There are so many "shoulds and should nots" to be aware of. If i were to limit myself to everything i'm not "supposed" to do, i'd have a really boring life.

Yesterday i got a cautionary lesson.

I had a lovely lunch with my father outside at my favorite japanese restaurant. I forgot to bring sunblock and got a horrible burn on my arms. I have a fancy looking farmers tan! :)

I am not supposed to get burned because it could cause lymphedema. I do NOT want lymphedema! I wasnt thinking of putting on lotion because my mind didnt go to the possibility of eating outside in the sun. I was thinking, "lunch with dad"....dont need lotion.

Now i know better.

I've been lathering on aloe and aquaphor, I used that during radiation treatments.

So, its a balance.

My friend said, "well, thats life, isnt it?"

True.

I guess I just wish i didnt have all these extra worries to think about now.

I suppose if it wasnt this, it would be something else.

I was able to balance my fun with my brother without overdoing it, going for a light hike, seeing some wonderful performance poetry, eating great food, playing with my nephews.

so, i got burned....lesson learned.

I hope.

Next lesson? we'll see.....

Patience and Tolerance

2008-06-09T03:56:00.000-07:00

I woke up this morning to a sticky humid day. We're supposed to have high heat and humidity until at least wednesday.

I fed my cat Stewie and then he wanted to play with his gold bow, the kind you put on christmas presents, he loves his bow so much!

As most of you know I adopted Stewie about two weeks before I found my dreaded lump. I feel he came to me at the right time for the right reasons. Comfort, Love, Healing.

When I adopted him he was very scared and had been traumatized. I wasn't sure I could find the patience to wait and see if he could relax and be the cat I so needed in my life. It was a challenge to wait it out. Some days I wanted to bring him back to the shelter and tell them it wasnt going to work out. Something told me to just wait, breathe, be patient, he'll come around. This wasn't about ME, it was about what Stewie needed.

He used to growl and hiss at me, stay under my bed all day. I began to take it personally like he was reflecting my emotions back at me. I was somehow causing all this drama.

After about 2 weeks and when I found the lump he started to come around. I didn't get the lump checked right away. It was Thanksgiving and then Christmas, I didn't have time to worry. I would see my new OBGYN in January. Now I realize I should have gotten it checked out immediately. Lesson learned.

Stewie started to trust me. He would sit on my lap for about 5 seconds. Then he would let me pet him for more than a second. Eventually he even allowed me to pick him up. Every time some new goal was met i'd tell my friend Nancy about it. We would celebrate and feel the joy of a cats love and trust. It became a challenge for me. What could I do next? What would Stewie allow me to do?

Now he sits on my lap for quite a while. He especially loves to sit there if I have a certain pair of jeans on. I'm thinking of making a cat bed out of jean material. He's got his quirks and attitude and still gets nervous when I do certain things.

I was patient with him and earned his trust and in turn has given me so much love.

This morning I realized that he still has his issues but don't we all?

He came with terror and sorrow and all the baggage of a soul being traumatized. He also came with asthma. When we played this morning he could only play for so long before his lungs got overworked and he had to rest. He has limits and thats ok. We can work with that.

I realize that we all have limits, we all have boundaries.

Sometimes I think that I have so much baggage or issues that I wonder if anyone can find the patience to deal with me?

My true friends and family have stuck by me through all the drama and terror and sadness. They have showed patience and trust that I just do things differently. I am going forward at a steady pace. It may not be as fast as people may want me to go, but I'm still going, at my own rate, not anyone elses.

Just like Stewie, I have to do what feels right for me.

I am making progress even if it seems like i'm not.

The people in my life that can't understand or want to change that? I can't help that or make them change their view. All I can do is be true to myself and move forward, even if its at a snails pace. I'll get there eventually, even if I trip along the way.

Monkey Mind

2008-06-05T16:45:00.000-07:00

Do you ever have moments when your mind goes from one thought to another, to another, to another...etc?

I heard the term monkey mind during a meditation once. The idea of meditation, well, ...what i've learned,... is to eventually quiet the mind or at least be able to notice the thoughts coming and going like on a river, floating on a leaf. You can watch it make all its winding turns before you can't see it anymore. Each thought can come and go like that. Another thought I want to add is this morning when i was doing dishes my MM started up and i told myself to focus on the dish i was washing and it worked, its a Thich Nhat Hanh method I believe, ...be in the moment with the dishes.......:)

Well, lately i've had monkey mind like crazy! I started a new med to help with some anxiety and such, and it didnt go so well. It put me into a daze and then caused some insomnia. No fun. Then when i went off of it yesterday it caused extreme anxiety. I got a lot of house work finished but it wasnt fun.

I wish sometimes we could switch our brains off at night along with the lights. Have you seen the movie "Alien"? The aircraft crew go into these pod like devices to sleep until they get to their destination. Almost like they are anesthetized.

Some day I bet we'll have devices to help us turn off the monkey mind and get a decent nights sleep.

For now i'm counting sheep, watching the river flow (then having to go to the bathroom), counting my breaths, drinking sleepy time tea, and waiting for the meds to get out of my system.

zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

Am I Doing Enough?

2008-06-03T06:06:00.000-07:00

I've been thinking a lot about respecting the planet and doing things that I feel will benefit me financially as well as reusing etc...

I believe I do quite a bit for that sort of thing. There are certain things that are challenging but if I were to just take the extra time, they are possible. Its funny when we as humans get into our routines. Its a challenge to break them and start something new.

For example....I needed to replace my shower curtain liner. Its been over 6 months or so since I last got one. I have a cloth curtain and use a liner. The liner gets mildewy and starts to get that moldy smell. Ideally I could wash the liner. Right.....I just can't seem to justify taking the time to remove the liner from all those loops and lay it out on my living room floor and wash it. So I throw it away. Yep, all that plastic into the land fill.

Some day I will figure out how to wash one, or get a liner that doesnt need to be washed, or move into a place that makes it easier to do that kind of thing....

The things I do accomplish are using dish wash cloths instead of sponges, I can wash them with my laundry. I recycle all my paper/plastic/aluminum etc.... I reuse plastic baggies until they get funky or worn out. I try to not buy plastic containers, stick to glass. (buy bulk lettuce/mesclun). I bring my cloth bags to the grocery store (when I remember to), I don't have a car, so I walk most places or take a bus. I try to buy organic and local produce. I save my compost and my friend who has a garden takes it for me. I'm sure theres more....oh , and I try my best not to shop at Walmart or big corporate stores. Local is better!

So, what things can you do to respect Mother Earth and to save some money as well....maybe switching your lightbulbs to more efficient and earth friendly ones? Maybe throw some cloth bags into your car to shop with? Ask for paper instead of plastic?

If you start with just one thing, a trend can start.

I spoke with a guy recently who washes those styrofoam holders that the chicken gets packaged on., he washes them and when he has a stack of them brings them to a school or some business who can use them, say for paint pallets or mixing plates, or some sort of project.

Theres always going to be that one thing thats hard to change, like throwing out that plastic liner.

I'm working on it.

Pondering

2008-05-27T06:33:00.000-07:00

I'm sitting here on my couch, laptop on my lap, listening to the early morning birds sing their songs.

Its sunny out, beautiful temperature, whats there to be sad about?

Sometimes when things look and feel like nothing could be wrong with the world, it still is.

I've been in a funk for the last few days or so. Yesterday was not so good.

I know I "should" be enjoying the spring weather and getting out and appreciating all that the world offers. Thats not how it works sometimes.

Some days I just feel awful and theres no rhyme or reason for it.

I want to dissect my brain and figure out WHY!

Then I realize there is no why, and thats frustrating. I am a person who wants to figure it all out, and say "look, thats why this is happening!"

Not everything can be explained. Look at God or Goddess or Allah or Buddha or whatever higher power you want to honor, can we really explain or prove them? No.

I've been pondering my life and of course judging it fiercely. I'm not doing enough, i'm not happy enough, i'm not interesting enough.......the list goes on.

When will I be ok with myself and realize that I AM enough?

I know this isnt an inspiring blog today, but sometimes I need to just be real and say whats on my mind. Maybe this can be a thought provoking blog in a time when Memorial Day brings on so many emotions?

Theres so much sadness in the world right now, with the deaths in China and Myanmar and all over the world. Sometimes it just gets so overwhelming. I want to fix the world and when I can't i want to hide under the covers and say "whats the point of all this?"

Then the next day I wake up and I see the beauty again.

Its all about faith and trusting that life does have a purpose even with all the darkness.

More Light

2008-05-19T17:15:00.000-07:00

I looked out my window a few minutes ago and realized it was still light out, and its 8pm!

I love this time of year, the days get longer and nature comes to life. I think of the word HOPE.

A dear young friend of mine who also has a blog asked about trips we have taken. I was reminded of when I was in Scotland. I went to the Isle of Skye and camped out near the ocean on a small beach. Really beautiful and peaceful. My friend and I didn't realize that it was the time of year when the light wins out over the dark. The sun didn't go down until around midnight and then came back up again a couple hours later. It was the oddest thing to not have much darkness. Our bodies have a hard time adjusting to the change. Its a little discombobulating. I kept looking at my watch in disbelief, wondering if the sun would go down and if we had traveled into a time warp.

It had the feeling of time standing still.

Many times I had wanted time to stand still when I was feeling good, not wanting things to change. Other times I would want time to go faster, especially when I was in treatment. I felt lousy and wanted to come out on the other side. Time could not go fast enough.

Now I am ok with how time is traveling. Every day is a blessing and seeing the sun out at 8pm reminded me of that today.

My parents used to tell me, as i'm sure many parents have told their children, that before we knew it we'd be all grown up and time would go by faster as we got older. Its so true. When I was young the summers seemed to last forever, each day was filled with adventure. Maybe as we get older we just appreciate time more and realize that it can go by us without us noticing. When you have a serious disease or illness I believe that feeling triples in force.

I'm not saying that I appreciate every minute of every day. I really don't. I'm human and lots of days I don't "do" anything, but I do appreciate being here and experiencing what I am doing, even if its just writing in this blog.

The blue sky is now turning to a beautiful indigo, and in a few minutes it will be black out my windows.

Tomorrow the sun will stay out even longer, one more minute to watch the sunset, one more minute to see the shadows turn to black. One more minute to ponder the days activities.

Spring Fever?

2008-05-13T06:38:00.000-07:00

A good friend of mine said to me this morning...."the birds are chirping, spring is springing all around, but where is the burst of energy? why don't i have that ? I still feel like hibernating"

I agree.

April has proven to be a rough month for me and for many others. Oops, its May isnt it? :)

I believe spring in general is challenging for people. Its not quite warm out and the time change can mess with our body chemistry. Our bodies are using muscles that havent been used all winter.

I've been dealing with some major fatigue and soreness in my body. Whats new? Its getting me down quite a bit lately. I want that burst of energy, that motivation to do things and keep doing them without pooping out.

The 17th will be one year since my surgery that removed the nasty tumor and some infected lymph nodes. I still have the blue dye and scars are still healing in some ways. I have a daily reminder of journeys i've been on this past year. When you break your bones you can heal up and move on, usually without much of a scar if any.

I think my depression is kicking in a bit and its hard to fight it sometimes, takes all my energy.

I still want to hibernate under the covers until summer really kicks in.

Maybe my next life i'll be a hibernating animal. Actually i'd like to just stay over on the other side and not come back, i'm done with reincarnation. I've learned all the lessons i want to learn in the many lifetimes i've had.

Over doing It

2008-05-08T10:36:00.000-07:00

When do you know when you've overdone it?

Back a few years I was working out at a fitness club. I didn't go regularly. I couldn't seem to get into a routine. I know i'm not alone. When I did go I usually worked out hard. It was almost like I wanted to get it over with and get in shape asap. I'd go home feeling sore and exhausted, sometimes i injured myself.

When I was writing for fun and working on a novel, that I can't find today, I would sit for hours at a time without a break, no bathroom break, no drinking or eating, just focusing on my writing, I was determined to get it done, go with the flow and not stop. My hands would cramp up and my neck and shoulders would scream at me. I seem to do that a lot with most things.

Lately i've been walking quite a bit. I get impatient and dont want to wait for the bus and I also think i better walk off that doughnut i ate yesterday. I wouldnt say I was obsessive with my walking but more determined.

I end up paying for it physically though. I missed the bus yesterday and had to practically run to my appointment. This was after I had already walked an hour to another appointment. I ended up getting to my appt all sweaty and miserable. I was overdressed and overheated. A beautiful day but I didnt enjoy it while i was running around town.

I went to my radiologist check up appointment. The Doc said everything looks ok. She was a bit concerned with my weight loss and some pain i've been having but otherwise she will see me again in 6 months.

I got home after having walked (power walked) over 2 hours.

Exhaustion kicked in big time.

I remember when I could do that kind of thing and not blink an eye about it. Now it seems my body can't deal with it the same way.

I wonder how long i'll be feeling this way? Will I slowly get my strength back? Or will I always have this kind of fatigue.

Time will tell I suppose.

I have that same determination in me but its not the kind that is productive. Its the kind that brings frustration when I can't do the things I want to do and keep going. Its hard for me to give in and accept where i'm at right now.

Mothers Day is coming up. It has always been hard for me to allow society to tell me when I need to honor my family. I want to honor them on my own time and in my own way. Theres this pressure to do things when you are "supposed" to. Thats not how I work.

I love my mother and am so grateful for her. I know i'm lucky to have a mother now. Some people don't have one anymore or never did.

There are alot of mothers around me. My wonderful stepmom whom I love dearly. My stepsister who has an amazing daughter. My stepbrother and step sister in law who have two beautiful children. My brother is a mother sometimes as well as a father. There are many more.

Theres another layer of emotion for me this year. The fact that I cannot bare children. I know I could still be a mother to an adopted child or some other persons child but its the fact that i'm not going to have children that touches a certain place in me.

I know I'm ok with not having children, but it comes back to society. Society tells you that there must be something wrong with you for not wanting children. I love kids. I could go on about all the social and economic reasons for not having children. On a personal level I just don't think its in the cards for me. Some people are just not meant to have children and I believe people shouldnt be judged for not wanting that life choice.

So, this mothers day i'll honor all the mothers out there, especially mine. I'll also try to forgive myself and accept the fact that I wont be having children and its ok.

Happy May Day!

2008-05-01T04:14:00.000-07:00

Today is my good friend Nancys' birthday!

I know I havent written for a while.

I've been a bit down in the dumps, not horribly so but the dark cloud has been looming all the same.

I had my CBC (complete blood count) done and i'm still in the "normal" range although as a nurse told me, my numbers aren't as good as when I had them taken in January. I know that blood counts don't tell the whole story and everyones' fluctuates, so i'm not too worried about it.

This time of year is a bit tough for me. You'd think with all the flowers blooming and the temps getting above freezing (usually) would put everyone in a good mood. Most of the time thats true, but I found out that April is the highest month for suicides. I wonder why?

My view on it is that if you have depression and I do, when spring comes around theres so much pressure to feel good, you are "supposed to" feel motivation and when you don't its such a let down, mostly to the person feeling it, or not feeling it. People want to tell you that you have no reason to feel unhappy. "It's spring, get outside and you'll feel better!" It doesnt work that way unfortunately. It only makes a person feel worse when someone tells them they should be feeling a certain way. We all feel what we feel when we feel it, theres no rules to go by.

So on that depressing note.....

I do feel better today and plan on walking to see my grandmother at her new home at a wonderful nursing facility not a huge ways away. It will be a good long walk. She moved in there a couple of days ago. Her Alzheimers is getting worse and she had to be demoted so to speak, but I think its for the best anyway. This place has so much more to offer and it seems they have more staff to really take care of people on an individual basis.

My mother told me that she doesnt ever want to end up there or anywhere like that, I know my father feels the same way. Can we really choose all the time? Does time sneak up on us before we can say NO!?

Life doesnt always work out that way.

I know some people have said they would never have chemotherapy or go through any kind of suffering. I think we are surprised how much we do put up with. I didnt think i'd go through treatment but I did. I say now that if i get the big C again i'd not do any more treatment, but who really knows? I may have so much more to live for at that time. We just dont know what we'd do until it happens to us.

So, today is Nancys birthday and I'm going to go help her celebrate tonight and over the weekend. I'm going to try and not think about the "what ifs" and just have fun!

Today I'm choosing to live and love

o.k, thats really sappy, but its true!

Maybe we can all try and not judge others today and accept the decisions people make, and our own, and just live!

Different Year

2008-04-19T06:29:00.000-07:00

I had a treat yesterday.

My dad and stepmom took me for a wonderful Indian meal and then to a local beach they love to go to.

I hadn't been to a real beach in a long time.

I have a small beach near me but it's the kind of beach you don't really want to go barefoot at. You may step on something you'd rather not step on. I'm very lucky to have it near me and the ocean in general. There is something a bit more special when you're on a beach that you can walk miles on in one direction.

I've lived all over the east coast mostly. I've lived near the Smokey Mountains and the Berkshires with lovely hiking trails and mountain energy. I've always missed the ocean. Some people feel very connected to the mountains. I feel connected to the ocean. Maybe it's due to growing up by it? Whatever it is, I love living near it.

I took a few pics, one posted here, and it just felt so good to be there.

This time last year I was in treatment with chemo therapy. I remember going to the beach with my dad but not having the energy to really truly enjoy it. I was cold and very very tired.

Yesterday I was able to run the beach for a couple of minutes and I was thinking as I was running that I couldn't have done that last year. I remember when I actually could not run, my legs weren't letting me. The neuropathy was pretty intense.

I want to do more outside this year. I really missed not being able to hike or camp last summer. I'm determined to do more of that.

I really do appreciate things like that now. I had taken it for granted before. I believe lots of us forget sometimes. We forget the small pleasures of walking a beach or sitting by a tree, or just running when you want to.

I've got the spring fever now!

Unexpected Repairs

2008-04-14T09:18:00.000-07:00

Have you ever taken your car in for an oil change and then left with new tires or a thing-a-ma-jingy you didn't realize you 'needed'?

I went in to have my 3 fillings put in. I hadn't slept well the night before, probably due to anxiety. I don't have good memories of dentists and so I tend to have a bit of anxiety around going.

As they were drilling out my 3 fillings, what was left of them, apparently a fourth filling came popping out. I didnt' realize this until they were pretty much finished with my fourth filling.

So I ended up having 4 fillings done in one sitting, 2 hours to be exact. They did let me take a few minutes break.

I go in for 3 fillings, leave with four. Part of me wants to question them and say, "hey, maybe this was your fault for knocking the 4th filling out, and maybe you need to pay for it!", Doesnt work that way.

My friend from NH is having to have her car repaired yet again. She is dreading the bill. Exhaust work. She has had exhaust repairs only a year ago, so shes wondering why so soon again. She trusts her mechanics but I wonder.

When do you question people in authority? When do you trust what is being told to you?

Maybe thats when intuition is key?

Sometimes I doubt my intuition for fear or control issues.

In the end we all have to make a decision. Decide what is most important at the time. Is it worth questioning everything?

I'm still sore from my dental work.

Should I call them and complain?

hmmmmmmmmmmm

Crumbling

2008-04-09T16:16:00.001-07:00

You ever have that feeling like everything is crumbling around you?

Well, i've been having that feeling lately.

I was flossing my teeth the other night and out pops a huge filling into my sink.

I then had to go to PT. I asked my PT who she'd recommend for a dentist. She gave me her recommendation and after my session with her I went over there. I luckily had my moms car for the day.

I walk into the dentist office and everyone is very nice. Then as i'm filling out my paperwork they ask if I have dental insurance. Nope I dont. Suddenly the mood of all the staff changes towards me. They immediately tell me that they need a credit card or cash before i can see the doctor. I say ok, i have a friend who said he'd give his credit card number. They file me into the doctors chair and I get my tooth x-rayed. Before the doctor comes in the front desk lady and another lady squeeze into the tiny room to tell me i need to give them the info NOW! I had to call my friend who lives in London while i was sitting in the dentist chair, with two women hovering over me. We got all the info straightened out and then the doctor comes in.

What a nice way to treat a new customer huh? geesh!

I am going to have 3 fillings done on thursday, so I had to wait two days with a huge hole in my tooth, exposing nerves. I have to eat soft food, so I thought what better food to eat than a nice soft doughnut?! I got three and no i didnt eat them all at once. They are the home made kind that are especially sinful. I remember getting some a couple of times before I had chemo, and shared them with others in treatment.

My PT lady has been working on my neck and shoulders for a couple of weeks now and has actually caused my pain to increase dramatically to where I had a migraine last night and extreme neck/shoulder pain.

I went to see my Osteopath today and she couldnt believe how compressed my neck was. My PT really did a number on it. I feel some what better now and have to try and get psyched for my 2 hour, early, dentist appointment tomorrow. I have to be there at 8am, zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.....

So, along with my teeth falling out (yes a piece fell out this morning), and my neck out of whack, my apartment looks like a tornado hit it. Heres where the crumbling part comes in. Maybe its like spring cleaning in an odd way. Out with the old, in with the new.

I think I may have to buy another doughnut on the way home tomorrow, i'll be all numbed out, so i can't eat anything crunchy right?

works for me!

Now if I can only get some hot chocolate to go with that doughnut!

Differnt kinds of tired

2008-04-04T07:32:00.000-07:00

I got up at 6:30 this morning in order to get to PT on time. I have to take fosamax once a week for my osteoporosis. In order to do that i have to take it first thing in the morning with a full glass of water, stand for 30 minutes and not eat or drink anything for at least that amount of time. When you are very tired it's especially hard to stand up first thing and keep busy, waiting for the timer to run out.

I then went to PT and had to muster up some energy to do my workout. The last week or so i've been experiencing extreme fatigue. Part of me worries about the cancer being back. Fatigue is a big sign of cancer. I know its silly and i need not worry about it. Fatigue can mean many different things. I can't help but wonder though.

I see my cat sleeping most of the day and get envious. Maybe my next life i'll come back as a cat.

There are different kinds of tired i've learned this past year.

When i was in chemo treatment I discovered a whole new tired. The kind where your body is desperately wanting to sleep but your mind won't let you. When you do sleep it doesnt make you feel better like when you take a nap and feel refreshed. Nope, not the case with chemo fatigue.

This kind of tired i'm experiencing is the kind where my motor skills are off and i am bumping into things, real clumsy. I have dry eyes and squint to keep them open.

I have things to do and places to be, ...so being tired just isnt in the plan.

I've heard that recovery from treatment can take a year or more. I suppose I have an excuse now. Maybe I AM still recovering? Frustrating. I want to be back to my old self and be able to do all i want to do without having to take a nap.

When i hit the one year mark of being finished with treatment then maybe i'll have my energy back.

fingers crossed

Windy Spring

2008-03-30T06:34:00.000-07:00

It has been so windy lately. The spring winds are coming in. I just wish it was warmer as well.

There is still snow on the ground and the temps are below 40 most days.

Spring is still coming forth even with the un-spring-like conditions.

The birds are singing and making nests. I saw a crow making his/her nest in a tree outside my window yesterday.

It reminds me of how life still moves forward even if your surroundings tell you otherwise.

I added a new site to my list of websites i go to regularly. Its a site mainly for young survivors under the age of 40. I still qualify. The people who run the site are really great! They have a radio show you can download to your MP3 or ipod for free. I may be on one of the segments in the near future. Their motto is Stupid Cancer! And its true....it IS stupid, but its also smart, it takes over even when we do all we can to stop it. What the I2Y crew is really saying, i believe, is that we can look down at it and not let the C word take over our lives, its about continuing to live and making sure we live well, not let it bring us down.

I had a day of intense testing on friday. I drove through a small snowstorm to get there at 8:30am. I met with the Neuro Psychologist and he asked me a bunch of personal questions, getting my "history". Its just an outline of course. How can one tell their history in a matter of minutes? After the questions we got right to work with the testing.

I decided to get the test done because of my memory and other brain functions being off since treatment. I wanted to see if I have any kind of learning disability and to see where my strong learning abilities are. It was exhausting and quite emotional. I didn't expect that at all. I had an hour off for lunch, but thats it for breaks. I was there from 8:30 till about 3:30, testing non stop. He tested my memory and motor skills mostly. I didn't do so well on the math problems. Math has always been a weak part of my learned skills. I did really well on the part where you see what is missing from a picture. I've always been good at details.

I had two words in my mind when i got home that afternoon. Brain Bootcamp! Thats what it felt like. My brain was so fried afterwards i couldnt do anything but relax.

I do know one thing, I do not want to be a neuro psychologist. No thank you.

I should find out my results in about 2-3 weeks. It will be interesting to see what the doctor says. I got to hang out with his dog named Cowboy for a lot of the testing. He's very sweet. I don't get much dog love lately. Its always good to get animal energy. Good for the soul.

I wonder if the "chemo brain" i've experienced really comes through with the test results. We'll see.

For now i'm just blowing in the wind, seeing where it will take me.

Happy Bunny Day!

2008-03-23T18:32:00.000-07:00

I heard that this early Easter isn't going to happen again for around 200 years.

Do we really notice when there's an extra full moon, when Easter comes early, when theres a blue moon, when theres a leap year?

I suppose we do, but i guarantee that I wont be thinking about that next week.

It's the "big" events that seem to stick.

When I got diagnosed with cancer. When my boyfriend died in a motorcycle crash. When I graduated high school. September 11, 2001.

How many dates can one brain remember and put with emotion?

Sometimes you just have to eat dark chocolate bunnies and forget about it!

Happy Ostara!

2008-03-21T06:16:00.000-07:00

Its officially spring!

It does not feel or look much like spring outside, but its in the air.

The vibrations of spring are bubbling up.

I hear the birds singing again, seeing Canadian geese.

All good signs.

It really is amazing how all of a sudden you just know its spring. Mother Nature is quite amazing, Mother Earth, Gaia etc....

I believe its the year for women/womyn to show their strength again. Hopefully not in an aggressive manner. But i do believe some people have forgotten how amazing, smart, creative, powerful, influential, women/womyn can be!

Not to mention how beautiful and unique!

I've been trying to get back in touch with my feminine side.

I'm finding it a bit challenging.

With all the scars and hormonal changes, not to mention the osteoporosis, its been a challenge to feel beautiful and attractive. I'm still single, so its a bit of an issue.

will i find someone who will accept my scars and all the issues i have, see the woman/womyn within?

First i need to see it!

Blessed Be!

ST Paddys Day!

2008-03-17T05:26:00.000-07:00

Happy ST Patricks Day!

What does it mean to be a saint? I know the dictionary definition is something about being sainted by the church. Only the catholic church? I remember something about Joan of Arc almost becoming a saint, or maybe she recently was dubbed a saint. Only centuries later. Why is it that it takes so long to apologize or give someone what most people think they deserve?

Its like when painters die, they suddenly become worth so much more, monetarily that is.

It would be nice to honor one another now, not wait for something big or over the top to fully recognize the true value in each of us.

So, have a pint of Guinness, kiss a leprecaun, press a four leaf clover in a book, eat a shamrock cookie!

Have a good day and why not look to your loved one and appreciate their "value" now!

One step forward, two steps back

2008-03-11T06:31:00.000-07:00

I was really starting to feel better, and looking forward, had a plan of action.

Then the hospital calls.

"We forgot to go over your bone density test with you the other day and theres some news to tell you."

Great.

I met with my oncologist to discuss the results.

I had the bone density test to get a base line for when i get tested later. Since i was/am starting a drug that helps against cancer but causes bone loss, they wanted to get the numbers.

Well, my oncologist was surprised to find out that i indeed already have osteoporosis on my spine and early signs of osteoporosis on my femur (leg bone), called osteopenia.

what!?

osteoporosis at age 38?

yep

It was probably sped up from the heavy doses of chemo i had last year. my dr. thinks it is probably genetic but so far i havent heard of anyone having it early like me and only one person who had it at an old age.

damn chemo

I know it could be worse and i need to look at this with perspective, but geesh!!!!!

Worse case scenario.....my spine collapses and i am hunched over in extreme pain for the rest of my life......well, i suppose thats not the worse case.......

so, i'll be on a drug, possibly for the rest of my life. It will be battling it out with the cancer preventing drug.

I told my doctor that they should start looking into a nursing home for me soon. Thats how i'm feeling now. Old and crumbling.

I went to a party in NH over the weekend. Felt old then too. Lots of young people. One guy hit on me, he was in his 20's. I guess i should feel flattered. But then he went and hit on a young pretty girl. It just reminds me of where i'm at. He asked "what do you do?".

hate that question with a passion

Right now? I'm playing the medication game, and trying- to- stay- positive game. Thats all I can deal with at this moment.

Lotus

2008-03-07T06:52:00.001-08:00

Medication Meditation

2008-03-07T06:36:00.000-08:00

The looming dark cloud is starting to lift and let the sun shine through.

I went up on a medication and am on a thyroid supplement, thats supposed to
help the medication work better. We'll see if it works with my mood and hot flashes.

I also started another Aromatase Inhibitor to combat the cancer enemies that may be lurking in dark corners of my body.

The side effects are so annoying. The woman who went over all the info on taking the medication and the issues with it told me that it surprises her that people are willing to jump on the chemo train but hesitate when taking a pill. I told her that this pill would be taken for five years or more and the risks are still pretty high, just like chemo. Just because its "just a pill" doesnt mean its any less serious. Chemo comes in a pill form and so does poison.

Right now i'm experiencing constant nausea. I'm on the verge of wanting to be sick all the time. I just have to wait it out and see if that subsides and hope that the major pain I had with the other AI doesnt come into play with the new drug. I really want this drug to work, so i'm going to do my best to ride out the side effects and hope they subside fairly soon.

I want to do all I can to stop any recurrence of cancer. I've seen so many people lately fighting the fight, some who have been down the road at least once before. I don't want to deal with cancer ever again. never again.

Medication Meditation -

I accept the drugs that I am ingesting into my body

These drugs will give me only positive results

These drugs are good for my body

I am grateful for these drugs

Can I get an A-----MEN?!

Blessed Be

2008-03-01T05:52:00.001-08:00

100th Post!

2008-03-01T05:49:00.000-08:00

Today I write my 100th post!

It's like the parties t.v. shows throw when they have their 100th episode, 80 years, etc...

No parties happening here....

Its snowing once again.

I believe we must have over 100 inches of snow this season so far. Breaking records all over the place.

I just want to live with the groundhogs and come out when its spring again.

Mother Nature....please give us a break!

Conditional Love

2008-02-25T09:56:00.000-08:00

Have you ever experienced people who will only love you when you behave as they want you to?

Thats called conditional love.

I wish people would love the whole person good and bad, dark and light, gray and blue, spots and stripes, ....all of it.

People go through ups and downs but I find that when i'm on a down slope like i'm at now, it's even harder to find support. Family and friends only want to be around an "up" person. so when i need people the most they are hard to find.

Yes, i'm having a really hard time right now and would love some words of encouragement, not advice or how I should feel better, just positive thoughts of empathy. thank you.

Remember how people say that pets love us humans unconditionally? Why can't we love one another that way?

Hibernate

2008-02-20T05:05:00.001-08:00

I know polar bears don't exactly hibernate, at least I don't think they do, but I couldnt resist this photo.

This is how i'm feeling lately. I have been experiencing excessive fatigue and finding it hard to get through a day without taking a long nap. I'm lucky that i'm able to do that right now.

My Osteopath thinks the fatigue is due to my hormones still sorting themselves out. The whole menopause thing is getting annoying. I swear I had at least a dozen hotflashes yesterday, so bad that I thought I was going to have to change my clothes. yuck. I'm glad the sun is out today but part of me wants to crawl back in bed and not deal with the world.

2008-02-14T08:21:00.001-08:00

Valentines Poem

2008-02-14T08:05:00.000-08:00

I used to have anti-valentines day parties years ago. All my single friends would come over. The requirements were to wear all black and if you HAD to bring a date then you were not allowed to touch each other. I made cut out hearts with cracks through them. I played "love stinks" on the CD player. Blew up black balloons....you get the idea. It was just an excuse to get some lonely single people together on a night that can be depressing. Its so in-your-face, the expectations of having to share this night with someone you love.

I had found my true love back in 1999, and lost him that same year. He was an amazing guy and I miss him still, very much.

This poem is dedicated to him, Stuart Cook.

Happy V-day everyone!

Love one another!

Sonnet LXXXI By: Pablo Neruda

And now you're mine. Rest with your dream in my dream.

Love and pain and work should all sleep, now.

The night turns on its invisible wheels,

and you are pure beside me as a sleeping amber.

No one else, Love, will sleep in my dreams. You will go,

we will go together, over the waters of time.

No one else will travel through the shadows with me,

only you, evergreen, ever sun, ever moon.

Your hands have already opened their delicate fists

and let their soft drifting signs drop away;

your eyes closed like two gray wings, and I move

after, following the folding water you carry, that carries

me away. The night, the world, the wind spin out their destiny.

Without you, I am your dream, only that, and that is all.

2008-02-13T05:19:00.001-08:00

Crows

2008-02-13T04:59:00.000-08:00

Last night and early this morning I heard the crows. I looked outside to see what seemed like hundreds of crows flying in the air and perched on trees together.

I remember seeing that last year and being awestruck. It was like out of an Alfred Hitchcock movie.

Lots of people think that crows are automatically a sign of bad news or bad omen. I disagree. Crows are wonderfully magikal birds that are also very intelligent. I love watching them.

Today my little (just under) 3 year old niece is having her first and hopefully last surgery. I see the crows as a good sign, that she will be fine. Her daddy is strongly connected to crow energy, so I feel its got to be a good sign. The power is behind her, and surrounding her with healing, loving energy.

Its also snowing pretty hard. Of course it is....theres a surgery happening.

I went to a support group last night for breast and gynecological cancers at a wonderful community center. I always feel better when I leave the group. Its not always perfect and sometimes a bit caotic but i'm always glad I went. The people there are some of the most courageous people you'll ever meet.

Cancer Survivors Kick Butt!!

I'm going to make a bumper sticker with that on it. Now I just need to buy a car to put it on.

Please send out your healing prayers for Greta, my beautiful niece, thank you!

"Crazy Train"

2008-02-10T05:36:00.000-08:00

Shoulds

2008-02-10T05:21:00.000-08:00

I havent written in the blog lately because I havent felt positive enough, I "should" feel positive and maybe be inspirational.....and so on...

My brain wants to tell me what I should do or that i'm not enough, not good enough.

I now realize that I decided to write this blog coming from an honest place, good or bad, dark or light, happy or sad, ....you get the picture.

So i'm not doing so great right now and i'm feeling guilty about that, like i've failed somehow. Sounds silly, but when i get feeling down I sometimes feel like i've gone backwards and i'll have to make up all that work I put into feeling good, all over again.

If someone else was saying these things to me I would tell them that's not true. We don't necessarily go backwards if we are aware of our derailment. Its like that saying when someone asks if they are crazy. To ask oneself "Am I Crazy?", means they probably aren't or they would not have asked the question. Being aware of our faults is to be conscious of wanting to improve.

I have jumped off the train for a bit, but i plan on jumping back on soon.

Menopause is not something to take lightly, neither is cancer, depression, or any other challenge people go through. We ARE human after all. Aren't we "here" to learn and make mistakes?

Thats my sunday sermon for today, i won't be passing a collection plate around....

peace

Snowy Day

2008-02-05T16:28:00.000-08:00

Another snowy day today.

It seems that whenever i have an important appointment there is a snowstorm of some sort.

I had a mammogram today and walked to the hospital in a messy storm. The kind of snow that is mixed with freezing rain that blows sideways into your eyes.

On a positive note, my mammogram was clear except for a few calcium deposits that my Dr. wants to keep an eye on. Nothing to really worry about. I'll get another mammogram in 6 months on the right side only.

I really do wish mammograms could be performed with less pain. Its a torture machine, but it saves lives so i'm not completely complaining, I just hope technology can improve in that area sometime soon.

The Patriots losing was a huge disappointment. The Giants definitely deserved the trophy, they played a great game. Next year we'll come back, for sure!

Tedy Bruschi

2008-02-03T07:00:00.001-08:00

Sleep

2008-02-03T06:47:00.000-08:00

I am reminded how much sleep is important to a persons well being.

Since my surgery I have not been able to sleep through the night. I wake up with hot flashes or just wake up for no apparent reason. I know that menopausal women have these problems sometimes and it usually gets better....(having hot flash now....) but i'm not feeling especially patient about all this. Every day that goes by where I lose sleep I notice my mind slowing down, my reaction time is off, I become a klutz.

My patience gets smaller and my emotions bubble up. So when men or anyone else make fun of menopausal women being a bit crazy, there is some truth to that. If you were suddenly not getting enough sleep day to day, having hot flashes every 20 minutes, hormones doing their dance, you'd be a bit nuts too.

So to all the menopausal women out there, " I feel your pain and honor you!"

Ok, so.......

Super Bowl today.

My father used to take me to games when i was little. I've been hooked on the Patriots forever. I know its a violent game with so much politics involved but I still love it! Maybe its where i can get in touch with that primal side of myself ? Let loose and be one of the guys for a day. In any case I love to watch the Patriots, and this is the year of all years! Undefeated! I just hope they can finish that streak on a high note!

Go Patriots and go Tedy Bruschi!!! My man!!!!!

Appointments

2008-01-29T15:02:00.000-08:00

We humans make appointments for everything.

We have appointments to fix our car, cut our hair, see the doctor, view a house, have coffee with someone, workout at the gym.

Some appointments are fun, like the one i had this past weekend.

I got another tattoo.

It was the one year anniversary of my diagnosis last saturday. I didn't want to sit at home and be all sad about it.

I was lucky enough to get an amazing gift of a beautiful tattoo from Erick at Redemption Tattoo in Cambridge MA.

I had the idea and he designed it.

My appointment was for 4pm. I took a bus to NH and met up with a friend who drove us to Cambridge MA, we got lost a bit, but having a cell phone helps, Erick led us there. The tattoo took about 2 1/2 hours and that last half hour i was about ready to jump off the table. Very intense. So worth it though. Poor Nancy wanted to run out of the shop due to the noise, shes not a fan. Thanks for being a trouper Nanc!

I had bought a bottle of champagne in NH and we opened it after the shop was closed and toasted with little plastic cups.

I had a great time with Erick, Steph, Salty Dave, Deirdre and Mike and of course my Nancy!

Thanks for a great night !

That was one appointment I didnt mind going to at all!

I had my not so fun appointments lately, one with my oncologist, one with my surgeon and one with my dermatologist.

good news is the pathology of the bits tested from my surgery came back a.o.k.

whew!

I walked over an hour today, felt good. Feels great in general to be getting back to my old self again.

Just have a few sore spots, some self induced :)